USA > California > A picture of pioneer times in California, illustrated with anecdotes and stores taken from real life > Part 26
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"I do, perfectly; and that was the mother's exact prayer; I recollect all now; she asked NOTHING but safety for her child in this world; all for the next."
" Now," said Ellen, with a sort of triumphant look, "you, who had resigned your youth, fortune and all you held dear, and hid away your talents and education, without a murmur, among the wild savages, seeking nothing but God, prayed with fervent sin- cerity to that God for an orphan child, and to-day every possi-
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bility of happiness in this world has vanished from her, and is gone forever. The next world is revealed to her a blank, and then say, if you can, that your prayers and my angel mother's dying supplications were heard, for I am that child!"
Here she paused for a moment, while she struggled with some deep emotion. When she continued, her excitement rose nearly to frenzy, and there was something in the tone of her sweet voice, in the wild expression of her face and in her extreme com- manding personal beauty, as she stood confronting the old mis- sionary, with her arms across her breast, that gave her almost a supernatural appearance, and filled me with awe. I turned to the old man with hope, yet with fear that it was beyond his or human power to allay such fearfully aroused feelings. But one look on him reassured me, for there was a calm light in his coun- tenance and a confidence in his noble bearing, as he summoned all the energies of his soul to meet the evil spirit that seemed to fight for the possession of the beautiful being before him; for, as I looked on, I could not help feeling that the contest was be- tween good and evil, and that the old man relied not on his own strength or ability, but on some higher power, that he knew or felt could not fail him.
" Now, good Father," she exclaimed, " as the red men called you, and as we all called you, explain, if you can, why that child you prayed for should be led through a childhood and girl- hood of unalloyed happiness, oh, so happy, that Heaven itself seemed scarce worth working for, for she seemed to be in it here . on earth; oh, so happy in being united with a partner whose purity, truth and honor were so acknowledged by all, so believed in by the fond, happy wife that she felt to ask God, as a doubt- ing wife might do, to guard and keep him all that he was, would be a treason to the confidence she of right owed him; explain, if you can, I say, why all this joy should be given to that child you prayed for, apparently with no other object than when in the zenith of this great bliss to dash her to the earth, dragged down by him who, as boy or man, never harbored a dishonest thought, or uttered a word or committed an act that would tarnish the honor of a boy at sport, or of a man among men; no, no; you cannot explain all this, but I can do so. It is this: That God you served did not hear you, and, sad as the discovery will be to you, I will tell you that you have spent all your life's labors in pursuit of a phantom, and this truth you may as well know,
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even if the discovery is made in the evening of your life. Know then," she continued, with uplifted hand, " that there is no sin, no crime, no dishonor, no falsehood in this world ; nor virtue, nor honor, nor goodness, nor truth, nor the hereafter they talk about. There is no Hell, no Heaven, and I defy and deny the Being you call-"
" Hold, hold, my child," exclaimed the old man, with a com- manding solemnity in his voice, while he raised his hands to- ward Heaven above her head. "Do not, I conjure you in the Savior's name, utter the terrible blasphemy."
Stopping the fearful sentence as the word " God" trembled unspoken on her lips, Ellen remained for a moment as if trans- fixed to the spot, with her gaze still wild and fixed on the mis- sionary. Instantly he dropped on his knees, and, in tones of the deepest supplication, repeated the Lord's Prayer, the Hai? Mary, and then St. Bernard's prayer of "Remember," in which pious Catholics have such unbounded faith. Katie and I joined, without, I believe, our knowing that we did so. As the last words of the prayer passed the missionary's lips, Ellen uttered a low, sad ery that seemed to tell of unspeakable pain, and, falling upon her knees, with her face buried in her hands, gave way unrestrain- edly to gushing tears and sobs. Blessed tears! They came to allay and still the wild storm that was beating around her heart, as often do the rains of heaven the most stormy seas, when hope has almost left the brave mariner's breast. The Father did not rise, but, with bowed down head, commenced to give out the lit- any of our Savior, Katie and myself making the responses. What a feeling of pleasure thrilled to my heart when I distin- guished Ellen's sweet voice, interrupted by choking sobs, also joining us. I felt that her reason, at least, which had seemed to totter on its throne, was safe. As we arose from our knees, El- len wiped away her tears, and, extending her hand to the mis- onary, said, cal mly :
" Rev. Father, I owe you much; much more than I can thank you for. Light has come when my mind was the darkest. And, as I look back, I see, clearly, how intolerable my pride must have been to the majesty of God. My dying mother's prayer, in which you joined, was heard, and you have been sent to save me. Oh, yes! there is a good, a merciful God. There is a heaven worth all, and a thousand times more than it can be given me to suffer in efforts to reach it."
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Then, clasping her hands and looking up, she continued :
" Oh, God, accept my humiliation and the suffering of all my future life, which I freely offer in atonement for my pride, but, oh, grant, in Thy goodness and mercy, that he and I, whose lives have been so entwined on earth, may yet, both together, worship Thee in heaven."
Then, addressing the missionary, she said:
" What, Father, will you have me do to make a beginning ?"
" Nothing, my child, nothing, but to calm yourself and return thanks to God, and to Him alone, for th> mercy He has shown you this day, praying always for faith, strength and courage."
Then he added, hesitatingly :
" I would also ask of you, as a great favor, when you can sum- mon the courage to do so, to read this letter, addressed to you by your husband."
Ellen started back as if in terror, a tremor shaking her whole frame.
" It is nothing, my child," continued the missionary, " but a statement of facts that it is your duty, I think, to read, that you may not think worse of your husband than he deserves. Charity calls on you for the sacrifice, my child."
" And I must not shrink from the first one of my new life, but may I not wait until I feel able ?" said Ellen, in a voice that was almost inarticulate from emotion, while she reached her trem- bling hand for the letter.
" Certainly," said the priest. " Take your own time and be c: Im. Farewell, my child; and may God bless and make you happy."
As the missionary turned to leave, I reached my hand to Ellen. As she took it she looked in my face, saying:
"Poor Henry, you have been weeping for me, too. Dear brother, but for you, what would have become of me; kiss me, Henry, I feel so much, so much more happy."
The Father took his way to Vallejo street, and, as he bid me " good-day," I saw that he had to make a strong effort to sup- press his emotion, I, full of thankfulness at the result of our mission, returned to my office. There I found Frank, looking pale and worn from intense thought and mental suffering. I would have avoided telling him more than the result of our visit.
" No, no, Henry," said he; "you must not rob me of one word
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she spoke nor one look of hers that you can find language to portray, for the very agony their recital brings to my heart is dear to me, because it makes me feel as though I was sharing in her sorrow."
Finding, as before, that it was impossible to avoid it, I gave him the full details. When I mentioned Ellen's dis- covery, that the missionary was the priest who had attended my aunt, Mrs. Stewart, in her last sickness, Frank exclaimed: " Oh, God ! Thy hand is visible." This was his only interrup- tion. He listened to all with that calm, suffering endurance which brave and noble hearts can alone command, until I told him of her parting words, and of her grateful, sisterly kiss. Then, as if that had touched some new spring hid away in the recesses of his heart, and opened some fountain that it was impossible even for heroism itself to hold back or stem, he threw his arms around my neck, and, resting his head on my bosom, gave way, without control to deep, convulsive grief, like that which comes to an innocent child in real sorrow. For a moment we were both children again-away, far away in the past-but, soon recover- ing ourselves, we were once more ready and willing to combat, as men, the realities of life.
Katie told me, the next day, that after the good Father and myself had left, Ellen called her and told her that she would like to go with her to church in the morning to early service. She then spent some hours before retiring in religious prepara- tion.
In the morning Katie wished to order a carriage, but Ellen would not allow it, as she was anxious for a walk. So, wrapping warmly, at the dawn of the morning they were both on their way to St. Francis' Church, on Vallejo street. They reached it on time, and it was yet hardly light. There were, perhaps, some fifty persons in the church, all kneeling, and apparently wrapped in devotion. Near the altar there were two priests kneeling, with cloaks wrapped around them. Simple and plain as the Church of St. Francis then was, there was in this scene, at that dawning hour of the morning, something that brought to Ellen's sad heart a sweet and soothing consolation ; and she seemed to gather strength for her forward march through life, which looked to her, just then, so rugged and difficult to tread. They recognized the old missionary as one of the priests near the altar, and, at Ellen's wish, Katie stole up to him and requested him to go into
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the confessional. He did so, and gave Ellen the opportunity she sought of obtaining his counsel and of making the necessary preparations for the approaching Holy Communion. After her communion, as she was returning to her place near Katie, her eyes rested on the figure of a man in the far-off corner of the church, on his knees, in devotion. His head was bowed down so that his features were not discernible. His person was enveloped in a cloak, and the light was yet dim in the church, so that it was impossible for her to recognize who the person was, and yet, as her glance caught the figure, she started as with an electric shock. Her limbs trembled and almost refused to sup- port her. A sudden faintness dimmed her eyes, and had not Katie observed her wavering steps, and come to her aid, she must have fallen to the floor before she reached her seat. After some rest she recovered herself, and, from an irresistible influ- ence, again turned her eyes to the place where she had seen the figure ; but it was gone.
"Can it be that I have seen him?" she thought to herself ; and then she felt as if Frank had been there and had made an appeal to her for a share of her prayers, and she responded with an overflowing heart.
As they left the church the sun was up. The morning was beautiful, and everything looked cheerful and alive with that striving and energy that so marked the people of California at that day, and told so plainly of the great future in store for this Bay City.
Katie's precaution to have a carriage in waiting was not amiss, for Ellen found that she shrank from a walk through the streets at that hour of the morning.
CHAPTER VIII.
FRANK'S LETTER TO HIS WIFE.
Ellen partook of her morning meal, if not with decided appe- tite, yet with a real desire to acquire the physical strength so necessary to her now. After breakfast, retiring to her sleeping room, she closed the door and calmly took from her writing desk Frank's letter, or statement, and, after pausing for a moment, as it seemed to summon resolution, she tore it open, and read as follows :
FRANK'S LETTER.
Oh, Ellen, how shall I address you ? I know I have forfeited the right to love you, and to hold you to my breast as its darling. Yet while life lasts I cannot eease to do either, no more than I could cease to breathe and yet live. No; my injured, suffering, angel wife, as inconsistent as my conduct may seem to you, yet the God above us knows that I have never faltered for one moment in wholly undivided love for you. Do not, then, turn away from me when I call you, my loved, my darling wife. No; in mercy, do not turn away. I do not come to ask you to restore me to the place I have forfeited, but to implore and beg of you, by the memory of our happy childhood and of the love I bore you, as boy and man, to listen and to hear me, that you may not scorn and despise me as false in heart as well as guilty. No; my poor, dar- ling Ellen, believe me; I have not sinned because my heart grew cold in its devotion to you, but because in that wild, selfish devotion I forgot the God who sent me the priceless treasure that made this world seem almost a para- dise to me. Listen, Ellen, listen while, at your feet, I tell you the horrid tale. From the very moment I parted from you in Philadelphia one idea seemed to occupy my whole mind; it was to acquire gold enough to enable me to reunite myself to my darling wife. The crossing of the Isthmus, the wild luxurianee of the scenes there, the sufferings we endured in that burn- ing climate waiting for the steamer to arrive from its passage around the Horn, all passed without a thought. The companions of my journey were unnoticed by me. In the end I had only a vague recollection of them all, and not one eireumstance could I recall distinetly. As I stepped on land in San Francisco, the last scene before it seemed to me tho parting with you in Philadelphia. Your last sad, sorrowing look was all I could distinguish as I looked back, and all I could see to strive for in the future, as I looked for- ward, was a success that would enable mo to return to you. All rel gious
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duties were, at first, indifferently performed, then deferred from time to time, and at length almost wholly neglected. When I knelt in prayer, as of old, it was but a mockery, for the gift and not the Giver occupied all my thoughts. God was worshiped by my lips, while my heart was far away with you. In S-, where I located myself, there was no Catholic church when first I went there, and when the zeal of a good French priest and a few Irishmen began the erection of one, I paid no attention whatever to it, and no one in S- supposed me to be a Catholic in faith. The priest, with the committee, called on me, as they did on almost every one, for a con- tribution, and I well recollect their surprise when, prompted by a sudden emotion, I handed them a check for five hundred dollars, where they only expected twenty-five or fifty. They had no idea that in faith I was with them. So passed on the first year; my whole heart and energies devoted to the ac- quisition of gold. I was successful in all my efforts, but " More " and " More " was my cry, as gold fairly streamed in upon me, and the acquisition so charmed and dazzled me that at the end of the year I sought and obtained your consent to remain one year longer. With renewed exertions, from early morning till late at night, I sought to increase my wealth, and often lay down in my comfortless bed and dreamed of returning home to you with millions and millions, and of seeing you in queenly state, surrounded by magnificence, and dispensing favors to the whole cringing public, who were in humility at your feet; and then I would awake from my dream of pride to redouble my efforts to realize it all, and find my paradise, not above with God, but here below with you. Every effort seemed to prosper, and I said, in my pride: " There is no such word as fail to a man of my abilities; all my ambition seeks for will be mine." I was proud, too, and self-compla- cent of my faith and truth to you, and looked with contempt on the unfaith- ful husbands I met with, worse than the Pharisees. I thanked not God but myself, that I was not like other men. Such was my career of forgetfulness and pride when, in making extraordinary efforts, on " steamer day," to make a larger shipment of gold than usual, I over-worked myself. The conse- quence was a cold, and then a fever, in which I lay for twenty-one days un- conscious of all around me. On regaining my wandering senses, the first thing I perceived was that I was cared for by a young woman, who did all I required with the delicacy and kindness of a sister. When the Doctor next came he introduced her to me, with high praises, saying I owed her my life. I at once called Mr. Neil, my bookkeeper, and told him to settle with Miss Marsh in the most liberal manner, intimating that now my elerks' nursing would be sufficient. She went into tears, and said she could not leave me until I was quite recovered. The Doctor joined her in saying she must stay; that it would be dangerous to me for her to leave just yet. The result was I was thrown off my guard, and she remained. I could not help feeling deeply grateful, and, being totally deceived as to her history and true position and character, I was exposed to a danger from which God alone could save me. I had been totally unmindful of Him, and in that hour of my need He was unmindful of me. Then my eyes were opened to the woman's true character. I now felt and knew that all was lost; that every hope of worldly happiness was gone forever, for 1 was determined that you should know the
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exact truth, and I foresaw the consequences. Oh, how worthless all my treasure of gold now appeared; in a moment it turned into lead in my sight. For a week I sought to escape from my own frightful thoughts by keeping myself half intoxicated, until one morning, when I was about to leave the store, Mr. Neil, who, you will recollect, was so long in the employment of the house in Philadelphia, and for whom I had the highest respect and es- teem, and in whose integrity and honor I would confide all I held dear, step- ped forward and requested to see me in the office for a moment. I followed him more as a truant boy follows an angry, sorrowing parent to hear words of reproof he knows he deserves, than as the condescending employer obeys the summons of one of his clerks. As we entered the office, Mr. Neil closed the door, and, turning quickly round to me, grasped my hand and said, in a voice full of grateful emotion:
"Dear Mr. Harvey, you have always been a brother to me, I would even say a father, but that I am so much the older of the two; believe me, then, deeply grateful, and that I am prompted by affection and attachment as well as gratitude in seeking this interview."
Iat once interrupted him by saying: " Yes, dear fellow; I know you love me; I know your worth, your honor and your truth; I know, too, what you would talk to me of;" and, grasping him by both shoulders, I drew him close to me and whispered in his ear: " In plain words you want to say to me, that within a week I have become a drunkard and a false husband."
" Oh! no, not so bad as that."
" But yes; that is the way to talk it out; I see you are grieved for me, my old friend, but you must shake that feeling off, and try and keep from the public my humiliation and disgrace."
"Oh! Mr. Harvey, do not speak in that terrible way; all is not lost; you can recover yourself now. I did not know the true character of this woman when Dr. Taylor brought her here, or I would have let you die rather than have consented to give her a foothold in your room; now, I find she is well known in this town, and I was disgusted on hearing yesterday that when she went out and made some purchases of fine dresses, she had the audacity to assume your name in the addresses she gave for the packages to be sent to."
As he told me this, drops of cold perspiration stood on my forehead, and a deadly horror seemed to be creeping through my whole body. He did not perceive this and went on :
"Have you received Mrs. Harvey's three letters, that arrived while you were sick, and that I gave the nurse for you ?"
My start and look of astonishment satisfied him of the fact that I had never received them.
" No!" he went on, "why, I asked her yesterday if she had delivered them, and she said she had; but, as I had some doubts of her truth, I thought it better to retain the one that came by the last mail to hand you myself. Here it is."
As he said this, he handed me the letter and left the office, believing, I suppose, that I would prefer to be alone while I read it. What a sight for me, just then, was a letter from you. My trembling, unsteady hand could not hold it and it fell at my feet, with my name and address,
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written in the well-remembered hand, uppermost. I remained, with my eyes riveted on it, unable to move from the spot. There I stayed, reading, or rather spelling, over and over the words of the direction. How long I staid there, I cannot tell, but not a circumstance of my life that was connected with you, from the day I first saw you, away back in my boyhood, when you came with our uncle to Philadelphia a weeping, sorrowing orphan ehild, up to the time I left you, to seek gold in California, but passed in review before me with the vividness of reality. Oh, how distinetly I heard you thank me, as you then did, for wiping away your tears and for exerting myself to cheer you that day of our first meeting. On, on came all the other scenes of our happy, blessed childhood ; and through them all, as plainly as I ever heard it, rang your loved voice in song or story, or in mirth or laughter. Then came our first sad parting, when you went to Emmetsburg and Harry and myself to Georgetown. Again I saw you stealing toward us, as you did the evening before our departure, and heard, oh, so plainly! your sweet, gentle words of sisterly love, as with blushes that gave the scene its life-long charm, you unfolded your little treasure of parting gifts of students' caps and slip- pers, mado for us by your own dear hands. Then came the tormenting, yet delightful scene of our meeting again, when you refused to be treated as a child any more, or to regard me any longer as a schoolboy and a cousin, with a boy's aud a cousin's privileges. Then came in review that happiest of all happy years that preceded our marriage, ending with our engagement. How plainly I saw again your beaming eyes, as they met mine for the first time after I had drawn from you the confession that you loved me. That look, that then filled me with happiness to intoxication, now benumbed my brain with mis- ery. Then came the sighs, the tears and all the mirth and intense happi- ness of our joyous wedding day. Then eame your sad looks and tears at the idea of my going to California, and your warning words of a danger that lay in my path, and of the sin of trifling with our marriage vows of " until death, never to part," which nothing but dire necessity, you said, could jas- tify. Then came the agony of hearing again your impassioned entreaty to be allowed to go with me and share with me all the dangers of my Califor- nia life. Then the last sad breakfast and the parting. The last, long, sor- rowing embrace and wild kisses from lips as cold as death. The panorama of all the happy past seemed now to close, and a dark shadow to settle on my soul. Oh, it was despair! so complete and utterly without hope, that for a moment, it appeared to me, I experienced a foretaste of the inconceiv- able woe of the damned. Self-destructiou was all that I could see in the dark night, my sin bad drawn around me; that could relieve or end my suffer- ing; on it, I unhesitatingly resolved, and, as if aided by the arch fiend, I be- camo at once calm and self-possessed; I picked up your letter, and with per- fect composure locked it up in my private desk unread. When Mr. Neil re- turned he found me, to all appearance, my old self; I told him, in a cheerful voiee, that I had made a resolution and that the past was past, and that in the future he should have no eause in my conduct for uneasiness or pain. I then told him that I should, perhaps, elose my business in S-, and wished him to balance all my accounts so as to let me see how I stood in all re- spects. The poor fellow looked truly happy, and cheerfully promised to ful-
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fill my wishes as soon as it was possible. It was now Friday, and I gave my. self only until Saturday evening to make ready to put my resolve into execu- tion. My desire was, so to manage my death that it would appear the result of accident, both to you and the public, for something within me, that I could not still, whispered that the act was disgraceful and cowardly. After due thought, I decided that my body should not be discovered after death. I will not go into all the details of preparation for my intended crime, which I cannot recall without a sickening horror. It is enough to state that I chose a loncsome, unfrequented slough, making out of the river, hid away in long tule wild grass, as a spot most suitable for my purpose. I placed there a weight, an old casting that I found in some rubbish near my store, with a rope attached. The banks of the slough were high, and my intention was to fasten this rope around my neck, drop the casting into the water below me, so that when I shot myself through the head, my body would be carried down in the dark waters forever safe from human eyes. , Saturday evening came, and found me all ready. I placed your daguerreotype and last letter in my breast pocket, that they might be buried with me. I then carefully examined my pistol and placed it with care beneath the red Chinese silk sash I always wore around my waist. Mr. Neil, deceived by my almost cheerful manner, had no idea of the dark murder in my heart. The woman Marsh was more shrewd, but I managed to quiet her suspicions. I gave out that I was about to spend the evening and night and all the next day, Sunday, with a friend.
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