USA > Indiana > DeKalb County > Auburn > Follies, 1919 > Part 4
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Leo N .- "If I could get someone to invest a thousand dollars in this proposition, I would make some money."
Pug-"How much ?"
Leo-"Why, one thousand dollars." * * * *
ODE TO A CREAMED ONION. As I see thee here before me Lying silent, white and still, Dread terror steals upon me, My blood is cold and chill.
For in spite of creamy whiteness, And in spite of aspect meek, Thou canst not fool me for I know I'll taste thee for a week. * ** *
Freshman-"Father, was writing done on tablets of stone in the old days?" Dutiful Parent-"Yes, my son."
Freshman-"Gee, it must have taken a crowbar to break the news." * * * *
Junior-"Work is a form of nervousness."
Senior-"You haven't any nerves, have you?" * *
Mr. McKenney-"A successful man must study the faults of others ?" Bill E .- "Well, I don't know that it will make a man successful, but it had ought to make a delightful study." * * * * When to physics class I go, A little prayer I utter low, I say in accents soft and deep: "Please, dear teacher, let me sleep." (Respectively dedicated to Jit Baxter.) * * Bill E .- "I don't cheat like you do." Lco N .- "No; you cheat worse." *
* * Miss McGinnis-"To the spoils belong the victor." * *
Corporal (to Ralph Clark)-"Why are you one step in the rear of your squad?" Clark-"Well-cr-er -- er-sir, after I halted they all took one more step." * * * *
DICE THE TRIMMINGS or The Lowly Cat in the Hayloft. (With apologies to the "Lampoon.") Scenario by Slingsby Bull. Cinematographed by Squeeze Rabinavitx Directed by Half Inch. Scene 1. Regis Fitz Persimmons, a well-to-do Bishop, is bored.
Regis Fitz Persimmons Hydrant Washhouse.
Bishop's study at the Bishopric; Bishop playing quoits wich doughnuts, and seven branch candle-sticks.
(Close-up of doughnut showing hole.)
Scene 2. C
Lucile with her future behind her, who secretly loves the Bishop. Lucile
Lucile's boudoir; Lucile at telephone.
"Did you want 7777J ?"
Clara Knee Sprung. "No."
"Then you have the wrong number."
Lucile turns her back, showing her future. Takes picture of Bishop from bureau drawer containing socks and collars, and presses it against her stomach.
"Gosh, how I Love him."
(Dream effect showing Bishop admiring a jack-in-the-pulpit. )
Telephone again.
"Give me Liberty 1776 or Death 1919."
(Flash of Bishop at the phone.)
(Flash of Lucile at the phone. )
"Very well, come to church at 10 P. M."
(Flash of iceman bringing in coal. )
Mops his brow.
"It's getting warm."
Lucile opens door for him and he puts the coal in ice-box. Exit.
(Cut back to dream effect.)
Close-up of Lucile, showing good tooth .- Slow fade out (20 minutes).
Scene 3.
That Night.
Close-up of church bell.
Close-up of Lucile on church steps.
Lucile registers trepidation by beating her breast with a carpet-beater and standing on one foot.
"Dare I?"
Enter Bishop.
Lucile grasps Bishop about the knees and he drops on the thirty-yard line.
Lucile bursts into glycerine tears and looks at him beseechingly.
"Give me a lock of your hair, Holy Father."
"I cannot. I am a Yale man and my locks cannot be picked. Besides I am bald." Close-up of bald head with fly running across it .- Slow fadeout.
*:
* * *
DIPPY DEPARTMENT.
The Staff has received the following questions. Being unable to answer them ourselves, we are respectfully submitting them to our readers.
If a dog bites will a moth ball?
If snow makes the Alps white, what makes Paris Green?
If tea leaves how does coffee stand on its grounds?
If a pillow slip would a candle stick ?
If two girls can pick four gallons of blackberries in three hours, how many can a tooth pick ?
If Nantucket would she bring it back? * * *
Mr. Youngblood (in agriculture class)-"George, why should a chicken coop be white-washed on the inside?"
George C .- "To keep the chickens from picking the grain out of the wood."
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Harry L .- "The dentist told me I had a large cavity which needed filling." Harold G .- "Did he recommend a course of study?"
* *
"Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"
"Sure he is," shouted another of the excited crowd of Bolshevists, "and a great deal better."
* *
Miss Fitch to Freshman Algebra student-"What's the matter with you this afternoon, Harold? Can't multiply 39 by 21? I'll venture that James can do it in no time."
Harold Gengnagle, '22-"I shouldn't be surprised. They say that fools multiply very rapidly these days."
* *
LATIN 10
"Now, Henry, please conjugate the verb 'lipo.' "
"Lipo, lipo, li-"
"No; eipas," corrected Miss Armstrong.
"I make it next," shouted Jesse Shafer, who was just awakening from a strenu- ous dream.
* * * *
ODE TO A MISER.
A cautious look around he stole, His bags of chink he chunk, And many a wicked smile he smole, And many a wink he wunk. (P. S .- He was treasurer of a class once.) * % *
"When rain falls, does it ever rise again?" asked Miss Ftich.
"It does."
"When ?"
"In dew time."
"That will do, Mr. Borst, you may report at the office." * * % *
ROUND OR FLAT
It is rumored that Miss McIntyre, upon taking teachers' examination for geogra- phy, when asked the question, "Is the world round or flat?" replied: "Well, some people think one way and some another, so I'll teach round or flat, just as you please."
*
Paul H .- "Was she shy when you asked her age?"
Bill E .- "Yes, I imagine about ten years." * *
Drill Sergeant (deadly peeved)-"Look here, You; whenever you address me you want to say, 'Yes sir' or 'No sir.' Can that 'nope' and 'yep.' WE don't rate salutes, but we do rate respect. Y' get me?"
Private Clark-"Yep, I getcha."
* * *
SAYINGS OF WISE ( ?) STUDENTS
Great oaks from little acorns grow, but they don't make such good squirrel food. Students don't object so much to laws near as much as they do to having to obey them.
Last dollar in a ten-dollar bill is a heap bigger than the first one.
When a feller starts out to breaking idols, he most generally takes along a couple of his own wrapped up in cotton.
Outside of schools some teachers almost have human intelligence,
19元
AMEN
George W .- "Dad, I wish you'd give me the money to buy that ukulele right away. There's going to be a war tax on musical instruments."
Dad-"Don't worry, my boy, a ukulele is not a musical instrument."
Freshman-"What's in a name?"
Senior-"Nothing. If there was we would put on a play and call it the 'Street
Car. Maybe it would play to standing room only." *
John M .- "Over in New York they have an odd play; it has only two actors in it." Ike-"That's nothing; I've seen plays without any actors at all in them."
% *
Caesar West (translating Latin)-" 'Three times I strove to cast my arms about her neck, and-' that's as far as I got."
Miss Armstrong-"Well, Fisher, I think that was far enough."
* *
Sunday, March 30-A memorable day for Gengnagle-he got "burnt."
*
DISSECTION IN AUBURN MEAT MARKET Prop .- "Come, Bill, be lively now; break the bones in Mrs. Williams' chops, and put Mr. Smith's ribs in the basket for him." Bill ( briskly) -"All right, sir, just as soon as I've sawed off Mrs. Murphy's Icg "
MARK ANTONY'S ORATION OVER CAESAR (The text from which Shakespeare got his version.)
Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your ears;
I will return them next Saturday. I come
To bury Caesar, because the times are hard
And his folks can't afford to hire an undertaker.
The evil that men do lives after them,
In the shape of progeny that reap the Benefit of their life insurance. So let it be with the deceased.
Brutus had told you Caesar was ambitious:
What does Brutus know about it?
It is none of his funeral. Would that it were.
Here under leave of you, I come to
Make a speech at Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me;
He loaned me five dollars once when I was in a pinch And signed my petition for a post-office.
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country But he is a horsethief of the deepest dye (applause).
If you have tears prepare to shed them now. (Laughter.) You all do know this ulster.
I remember the first time Caesar ever put it on,
It was on a summer's evening in his tent, With the thermometer registering 90 degrees in the shade;
But it was an ulster to be proud of. And cost him seven dollars at Morris Kaye's. Which is between 8th and 9th streets, north of Caruso's swig-palace.
Old Morris wanted forty dollars for it.
But finally Caesar jewed him down to seven.
Was this ambition? If Brutus says it was
He is even a greater liar than
Look. In this place ran Cassius's dagger through:
Through this the son of a gun of Brutus stabbed,
And when he plucked his cursed steel away,
Mark Antony, how the blood of Caesar followed it.
(Cheers and cries of "Give us something on the Silver Bill." "Hit him again," etc.) I come not, friends, to steal your hearts away.
I am no thief as Brutus is,
Brutus has a monopoly in all that business,
And if he had his deserts, he would be
In the penitentiary, and don't you forget it.
Kind friends, sweet friends, I do not wish to stir you up
To such a sudden flood of mutiny.
And as it looks like rain,
The pall bearers will proceed to put the coffin in the hearse,
And we will proceed to bury Caesar,
Not to praise him.
-By Bill E. and May B.
*
A MARKED DEGENERACY AMONG HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS Ralph Clark seen smoking Cubebs on the street. * *
A HOT-HEADED YOUTH
You see he had a lantern jaw to begin with and his whole face lit up. His cheeks flamed, he gave a burning glance, and then, blazing with anger and boiling with rage, he administered a scorching rebuke. * *
The mental ages of man are about three: 1st -- When he does not think (some- times terminated by graduai.on) ; 2nd-When he thinks fairly exclusively of him- self (sometimes terminated by marriage) ; and 3rd-When he thinks chiefly of his family (terminated by whatever ends his worries).
*
DOINGS OF A FRESHMAN.
A moderately fond father discovered his young hopeful reading a dime-novel. "Unhand me, villain," the detected boy thundered, "or there will be bloodshed."
"No," said the father, grimly, tightening his hold on the son's collar, "not bloodshed-woodshed."
Miss Mulvey-"What is meant by a girdled tree?" Eillene M .- "A tree with a belt on it."
*
Helen Mac .- "What kind of country does the Mississippi-Missouri flow through?" Anna Z .- "Through a desert."
Helen Mac .- "Where do you think the Mississippi-Missouri is?".
Anna Z .- "In South America."
Mary had a little lamp, It was well trained no doubt, For every time a fellow came The little lamp went out. * *
*
A chink by the name of Ching Ling, Fell off of a street-car-bing-bing. The con turned his head, to the passengers said: "The car's lost the wash"-ding-ding.
WANY 19
Barber (about through with hair-cut)-"Does that suit you, sir?"
Mr. McKenney (absent-mindedly )-"It's altogether too short. Cut it a little longer, please."
Borst-"She called me a worm." Girl-"Possibly she saw a chicken pick you up." **
* * *
HE GOT RESULTS
The head of a large business house bought a number of those Do It Now signs and hung them up around his office. They were effective beyond expectation, too effective, in fact. When after the first few days of the signs, he counted up results, he found that the cashier had skippd out with twenty thousand dollars, the head bookkeeper had eloped with the best stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise in salary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a highwayman. # *
If fish were as wise as men they'd be easier to catch.
*
Extensive argument in Civics Class-Can a town be put in jail or not? * * *
Hanna (looking at bottle in cloak-room)-"What kind of Spirits are those?" Ike-"Spirits of '76." * * *
A very momentous day was March 25 for our classmate, Harold Grate. He treated himself very kindly and shaved his face. * * *
CAN IT BE TRUE?
Mr. Youngblood-"I'm afraid to have you stand on the sill and wash the win- dows. I'm afraid you'll fall off and break your cranium."
Janitor-"Well, I have never broke my neck yet."
et:
New Method Parent-"So you still believe in the rod by the way of develop- ing children ?"
Mr. McKenney-"I believe it is the natural way to make them smart."
P. S .- That's straight, too. (From one who knows.) *
Stroh-"I went home to see my folks last night."
Ike- How did you find them?"
Stroh-"Oh, I knew where they lived." * *
Mr. McKenney explains how sailors find position by latitude and longitude by looking at the sun.
George Borst-"What do they do when it rains?" * * *
Hanna (in K-ville restaurant)-"Do you call that a veal cutlet, waiter? Why, it is an insult to a calf to call that a veal cutlet."
"I didn't mean to insult you, sir," said the waiter. *
*
* *
Cleliah L .- "I don't know how to pose for my picture in the annual." John Myers-"I think behind a tree would be very good." * * *
A freshman hesitated on the word "connoisseur."
Prof .- "What do you call a man that pretends to know everything?" Fresh .- "A Professor."
*
Mr. McKenney-"Now, then, James, what comes after the cheese?" James Bower (sleepily)-"A mouse, sir,"
An illiterate farmer wishing to enter some animals at an agricultural exhibition, wrote to the secretary as follows:
"Also enter me for the best mule; I am sure of taking the premium."
* * * *
Ike-"Why is kissing a girl like a bottle of olives?" Birdie-"You have me."
Ike-"Because if you get one the rest come easy."
* * *
Received by Joke Editor in introduction to a little poem (which does not appear here) :
"The following lines were written fifty years ago by one who has for many years slept in his grave merely for his amusement." * * * *
Baxter-"I have a ringing in my head this morning." Wilson-"Don't you know the reason for that?"
B .- "No."
W .- "That's because it's empty."
B .- "And haven't you ever had a ringing in your head ?"
W .- "No."
B .- "That's because it's cracked." *
*
* *
'21-"They say that the Prof's mind is completely gone."
'22-"Gosh, I'm lucky. I haven't read my assignment for today, and he told me the next time I didn't do my work he was going to give me a piece of his mind."
* * * *
Jit Baxter (defying all police traps)-"We're going fifty miles an hour; are you brave?"
Girl (swallowing another pint of dust)-"Yes, I'm just full of grit." * * * *
Freshman Girl-"Did you notice that good looking fellow that sat back of us last night at the show?"
Second Girl-"Oh, the handsome chap with the red necktie and tan suit, and wore his hair pompadour? No; why?"
* *
DILUTION TRADE
The farmers in the olden days Did much they hadn't oughter, They used to starve their cows and add To milk diluting water.
Their customers would buy the stuff And serve it up for dinner, Remarking with a frenzied look, "Each day it's getting thinner."
But all the wily farmers now Keep other fluids handy, They fill their cans and bottles up With confiscated brandy.
From far and wide the patrons flock The drunkard and the sinner, And now with joy (and winks) they say, "The milk is growing thinner."
-Ex.
HELPFUL HINTS ON THE CARE OF THE LAWN
If your lawn is full of bumps, these may be driven down with a hammer.
It is not well to pasture a horse or a cow on the lawn in wet weather. These animals have a tendency to push in the face of the lawn.
If you have a mole assisting you in the care of your lawn, use the mole track for a hose, pouring the water in at one end and fastening a nozzle on the other end. This will save your garden hose.
McKenney-"What is the secret of business success ?" Ike-"A line of goods, a line of credit, and a line of talk." * * *
*
Mother-"Who ate that salmon ?"
Bower-"The cat, I guess."
M .- "Bosh!"
B .- "Now, mother, everybody knows the cat likes salmon."
M .- "Yes, but a cat can't manipulate a can-opener." *
* * *
Freshman (to postman)-"Have you got any mail for me?"
Postman-"What is your name?"
Freshman-"You'll find it on the envelope." *
* * *
Husselman was driving a bucking one-cylinder Ford down Main street one Sun- day afternoon. "You ought to put Lizzie's name on the casualty list," yelled a fresh Sophomore.
"What do you mean?" hissed Husselman, between bucks.
"Missing in action," returned the bright Sophomore.
*
* * *
Roy Arens-"What kind of a robber is a page?" Senior-"A what?"
Roy-"It says here that a page held up a bride's train." * * *
SECOND SERIES-SAYINGS OF WISE (?) STUDENTS
A woman don't care how cold her feet get in church as long as she has got a smart hat on.
You can't expect a cow to grow wings just because it's a bother for you to open the pasture gate.
Maybe the last rose of summer blooms all alone, but the first one don't have much company to brag about.
The wise man admits he's a fool but he only half believes it.
The best neighbor in the world is taking chances with friendship when he starts to keep chickens.
A fellow can be altruistic as the "dickens" and still find out it is sort of incon- venient to pat a rattle-snake on the head. * * * *
ORIGINAL ODES BY OUR OWN OPTIMISTS ODE TO THE ANNUAL STAFF
The fellow on the staff's the guy
Who does the work and misses the pie,
Does the work for you just the same- And ten to one gets all the blame. If dope is missing-or pennies lost, That fellow's the one who gets the frost.
But he must work on for the school, For that's the fellow's golden rule. And this is what he always hears: "Now this is the way to me it appears."
Talk on you ornery student pest, Altho you take from him (or her) the zest Of work well done-and he must feel Like a puppy always kept at heel; And always are piled upon his head Curses fit to resurrect the dead, But he must plod on just the same- Because the darn fool's always game. -Trox.
ODE TO A TIGHT-WAD
A fellow known as Ten-Per-Cent, The more he had the less he spent, The more he got the less he lent, To pinch the poor was his intent, To see the sick he never went, To kick his town he gave consent, His mind was in his pocket pent, He'd cry hard times to give him vent,
I think he never did relent, He's dead-we don't know where he went. - Bill E.
MEMORIES Here's to that poor janitor Whose memory we adore ( ?) The mutt can't keep the heat up right- He maketh us most sore.
In winter he doth make us freeze 'Til we can see our breath; In springtime quite the other way- He roasts us most to death. * * * *
One day a Junior class did go In Room 4 to recite, They baked and baked and ne'er did live To see that awful night.
We hope some day when he doth land In Hades far below, That they will stick him in the fire- And leave him there to grow. * * * *
-Trox.
NEW VERSION OF "MAUD MULLER" . Maud Muller paints her sunburnt cheeks, 'Til they are white as snow; And everywhere Maud Muller goes, That paint is sure to go.
She carried it to school one day, (Though not against the rule; ) It made the boys all snicker out, To see that paint in school.
So the teacher said to Maud: "What makes you look so pale?" Maud Muller took the teacher out And rode him on a rail,
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"What makes Maud Muller act that way, And treat the teacher so?" "Because the teacher butted in, Maud Muller made him go."
And now to teacher and to Maud, You should to each be kind; For wearing paints and riding rails Leaves bad effects behind. *
-Bill E.
* * * GIRLS AS THEY WERE
Backwards, turn backwards, O time in your flight,
Give us a maiden dressed proper and right;
We are so weary of powders and paint, And of looking at girls who are what they ain't.
Something is wrong with the maidens we fear,
Give us the girls as they used to appear,
Give us the girlies we once knew of yore
With curls that didn't come from a hair-dressing store.
Maidens that dressed with a sensible view,
Just as nature intended them to; Feminine styles get more fierce every year-
So give us the girls as they used to appear. * * * *
-Bill E.
ODE TO A LONELY SOPH.
The shades of gloomy evening fall Upon his mind a cursed pall, And to the gods of Chance and Fate
The following prayer he doth supplicate: "O, ye gods of Joy and Mirth, Unto my hopes give a new birth; In agony I rend my hair- Grant me one glance from the fair;
The impassionate earth I stamp in vain-
Can good come from such hopeless pain ? But here's the reason for such prayer That wings its way thru twilight air, And on this ending lean my fate- I am a Soph without a date-" -Trox.
* * *
(The following was written by two idle Seniors after watching Clellah powder her nose.)
Oh, mother, dear mother, put me to thy nose, In spots it's all shiny-or red as a rose, And two little shiny spots rest on thy brow, So, use me, please use me, I'm used to it now.
The moments spent with you before every date, Improves your appearance and helps guide your fate. The fellows that come to you most every night, Depart from your home-their coats are a siglit.
I'll always be with you-a good friend of yours, For always my presence your beauty insures; So keep me, please keep me, I'm always your friend, And I'll guard your beauty 'til the very end. -Ike and Trox.
And now pass on to other work --- or play, That makes for happiness or wealth; But let these pages serve to mark the path Of happy memories of another day.
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