USA > North Carolina > The last of the carpet-baggers : a dramatic account of Southern legislation during the first seven or eight years after the war : a burlesque on Negro legislation in the South > Part 1
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THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA
LUX
LIBERTAS
THE COLLECTION OF NORTH CAROLINIANA ENDOWED BY JOHN SPRUNT HILL CLASS OF 1889
VC812 L347
FOR USE ONLY IN
THE NORTH CAROLINA COLLECTION
Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2019 with funding from University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
https://archive.org/details/lastofcarpetbagg00unse
THE
LAST OF CARPET-DAGGERS.
A Dramatic Account of Southern Leg. islation during the First Sev. en or Eight Years Af- ter the War
BURLESQUE ON NEGRO LEGISLATION IN THE SOUTH. (1878)
This little volume is respectfully dedicated to Messrs. Lacy & Blair, Principals of the Hickory High School, at Hickory, Catawba County, North Carolina, by the
AUTHOR. April 6th, 1878.
Mr Smith .- Well Joe, the war is Jout over and I suppose all the slaves 'ill be set free ; if so what course will ou pursue ?
Joe .- Lord bress your soul, massa, is chile stay wid you till Gabrel blow horn.
S .- What do you suppose the mass the colored population will do if set ee ?
J .- Oh massa, dey all stick to de te folks ; dey knows where dar sal- tion am ; dey, dey knows who feeds d cloves um.
S .-- Well, Joe, I have just this min- e received a dispatch (receiving a per from some one and reading it) the effect that peace propositions ve been agreed to between the north south, and that tho colored poo. e are from this time free, and that ey are to enjoy all the privilegas and munities of other citizens. You are n free.
Mc. Mr Smith (Joe winces and T. (falls to the ground crying and bats his eyes when called Mr Smith) ling over in great distress and ex- iming) Oh massa I peber leabe you,
missis, dis chile must die ! mass ,and I am satisfied your class-
ill ! mass Bob ! mass Tom ! dis chile is die ! he neber see you more ! S. (retires) J. (sobbing, sits up)
Cornelius McCuster. (with carpet ok enters) Good morning. What is trouble with you ? You ought to rejoicing with great joy this morn- instead of sitting here crying. Oh I kin naber leaba my ole ssa and missis ; dey so good to all RS.
He. What is your name ? Jaw.
Jaw ? I never heard of any- being named Jaw. Soc.
You mean Josee or Joseph ? Yeth.
Have no other name ?
Jis Joe ; dats my name.
What was your master's name Massa's name Mifter Smif. Ic Smith ?
Yes sar ; bress de Lord !
C Well then, your name is Jo- Smith and you are equal in every ect with your master, physically, ally, and above all intellectually. Bress de Lord.
"" Mc Then rise up and go with me ; I have a few words of importont in- formation to impart to you, as well as a few words of admonition so that you - may constantly be on yonr guard in watching these old rebels, your old and young masters.
J Neber ! Neber ! (with great feeling in a loud voice) will I leave my ole massa ; my good ole missis ! and all dem good children. Bress de Lord. (last two words in a low tonc.
Mc I am surprised at you, Mr Jo. seph Smith. Are you not aware there are great things in store for you ?
Yeth sar ; massa got . oberyting out ob de store he wanted.
Mc I mean have you not heard the news that peace is made and you are all free ? Not only free but to be en- dowed with the right of suffrage ?
/ Yeth I's suffrin now ; I's almost dead,
you did not understand me ; I meant that you could all vote and hold office,
J (interrupting) I neber had a glass in all my life ; massa allurs gib us Chrismus gram in de ole gourd ..
Mo Iintended to say that your race is much more competent to vote, hold office and make laws than your old masters. I will give yon a hint of what is up, as we are alone. My name is McCuster, I am from New En- gland, in other words, from Massachu- setts ; just arrived here this morning ; am very short of funds .-
J Bress your soul, Boss, we allers had more fun an ye ewer seen.
Mo. I meant to say that I am rath er hard up-short of money-and be- ing a special friend of your race I would accept an office at your hands --- say a seat in the legislature-
J (interrupting) Massa allers gin us seat on a stool in de kitchen ; may de spirits bress dat good man, massa Smif.
Mo. I think you can comprehend what I mean when I say that all your representatives are to meet at the Cap- itol ofyour State to make laws, under which you ars to live and be happy, and if I represent you I will do every- thing for the colored people if you will just give me your influence.
v&am
I cant fluence nuffin "cept dem rood etins ole missurs allers gib urs.
Me Mr Smith, I have some very pecial information to give you con- erning this matter, and I want you to ro to corner of 9th and Howard streets omorrow night where we are to hold political meeting with the colored olks, for the purpose of nominating undlidates for the legislature. (re- ires)
.J Mif. Custard ; missurs use to gin ; lots custard to eat; I swallurd lem hole lets o' times ; oh, dem good le days neber see dem more. Mr Custard ; he's jist de smartest man ber been in dis seeshun ; I neber see man smart like dat min fore ; he rable all de way from Norf jist to help e poor ole nigga ; hese a good man is ; Ise gwine down to dat meetin, is. (retires)
Ster eight negroes, two carpet bag- gers and two white Democrats.
[ON THE HUSTINGS|
M. Snith. Fellow citizens, I pre- el not to any great abilities; but u conseious to myself that I have le best good will to serve you. But is very astonishing to me, that this v coner, Mr Cornelius M: C'ester, I the way from Cape Color B B sh'd aceive himself qualifiol for the trust iving lived am ing you all my life l elosly studying your interest, I ,ifess that my acquirements are not 'ent, even with all these a lvantages, .this must be still less, as he has, Ky a vulture, just lit among u3. I
would therefore think it would be bre answerable to your dignity, and ondueive to your interest, to be rep- sented by a man at least of some ters. than by a cunning, crafty car- et bigger. If he had come among ¿ with a view of becoming a perma- ;nt citizen, and engaging in some i lable enterprise, the case would be ery different. I do not make the as- ertion, as I always like to be in the ounds of reason and truth, but I would not be surprised if this man is not & mere adventurer, without mon- , credit or character at home. Who
knows but he is an escaped convict from a northern penitentiary ? ( Mc- Custer restless and exhibiting feelings of resentment, rises and draws a pistol and demands of Smith whether he charges him with anything disrep- ulable !? )
S (cooly replies) I make no char- ges, sir ; I only stated that I should not be surprised if suck and such things were true. I say this from my general knowledge of the character of carpetbag adventurers. Now gentle- men, you know who I am ; you know my interests are so interwoven with your own that they are necessarily one and the same. We all rise or fall "to- gether, and for these reasons, all other things set aside, the chance is in my favour, with respect to information. However, you will decide, and give your suffrages to him or to me, as you shall judge expedient. (at this junct- ure the mail arrives. Mr Vandyke hinds Smith a N Y paper (daily) from which Smith reads) "Our Boston correspondent informs us that the no- torious scoundrel, Cornelius McCas- ter, has been released from the peni- tentiary, having served a term of five years, for embezzling funds from va- rious sources, swin lling the Orphan fullconomy out of one hun trel Thousand dollars anl robbing twr) grave yards ! This villit has left for the South and we would advise all to keep a sharp look out for the rascal." [ Me crawls out on hands and knees] ( Here a commotion takes place in the crowl, and a Mr Winters, who is o. weaver by trade is induced to become a candidate)
Mr Winters. Gentlemen I am your candidace for the legislature. I am no speaker and will thank you for your yotes. I belong to the glorious old 'publican party. (applause)
S (asks Vandyke to speak for him)
Mr Vandike Fellow Citizens, I have not the smallest iclea of wound ing the sensibilities of this weaver, but it does seem to me that it would be more to his interest to pursue his occupation, than to launch out into that of which he has no knowledge.
832505
Then he goes to the Senate house the plication will not be to warp a web ; it to make laws for the people of this reat State. Now suppose that the aking these laws requires a knowl- Ige of commerce, or of the interests f agricglture ; or those principles up n which the different manufactures pend, what service could he render ? ; is possible he might think just hough, but could he speak ? He is ot in the habit of public speaking. Le is not furnished with those com- ionplace ideas, with which even ery ignorant meu can pass for know- ig something. There is nothing jakes a man so ridiculous as to at-
ke the wheels of a cart, the stiffness f his joints would encumber him, and e would fall upon his posteriors to he ground ; such a "squash" as that, would do him damage. The getting p to ride on the State is an unsafe hing to those who are not accustomed o such horsemanship. It is a disz- reeable thing for a man to be laugh- d at, and there is no way of keeping one's self from it but by avoiding all ffectation. Is it possible he can un- lerstand the affairs of government, whose mind has been concentered to he small object of weaving webs, to he price by the yard, the grist of the hread, and such like matters as con- orn the manufacturer of cloths ? The cet of him who weaves, are more ou- upied than the head, or at least as nuch ; and therefore he must be, at east but in half, accustomed to exer- ise his mental powers, For these reasonss-if no others, you ought to rote against him. You ought, at cast to be represnted by a man of some letters, I know nothing against i wearer more than any other calling. i have no prejudice against a weaver more than any other man, nor do I know any harm in the trade, save that from a sedentary hfe in a damp place, there is usually & paleness of the coun Lenauce ; but this is a physical, yot a
moral evil. Such usually occupv sub- terranean apartments ; not for the pur pose, like Demosthenes, of shaving their heads and writing over eight times the history of Thucydides, and perfecting a style of oratory ; but rath er to keep the thread moist ; or be- cause this is considered but as an in- glorious sort of trade, and is frequent- ly thrust away into cellars, and damp out houses, which are not occupied for a better use. But to rise from a cellar to the Senate-house, would be an unnatural hoist. To come from counting threads and adjusting them to the splits of a reed, to regulate the finances of a government, would be
There is no analogy between knotting threads and framing
mpt what is above bis sphere. He preposterous, there being no congrui- no tumbler for instance ; should he ty in the case.
ive out that he could vault upon & ian's back, or turn heels over head laws. It would be a reversion of the order of things. Not that a manu- facturer of linen or woolen, or other stuffs, is an inferior character, but a different one, from that which ought to be employed in affairs of State. It is unnecessary to enlarge on this sub- ject ; for you must all be convinced of the truth and propriety ot what I say. (takes the weaver to one side and prevails upon him to withdraw.) Now gentlemen, there seems to be no further obstacles in the way. This simple-hearted weaver, who never would have thought of running, had he not been persuaded to do so by the crowd, who always would rather vote for an ox than a man of education and integrity, has consented to withdraw, and Cornelius McCuster has fled the country-hence there is no one iu the field to oppose our most able, worthy and deserving fellow citizen, Mr Thom as Smith, who has addressed you to. day so ably and eloquently. He will do us honor ; he will carry our banner to victory and wreathe it in glory. It will never trail in the dust in ths hands of this noble old Roman (point- ing to Smith) I mean no flattery. And now gentlemen, with these remarks, [ leave the issue with you.
( Just at this juncture a bustle takes place in the crowd and old Joe Smith. (colored) is prevailed upon to become a candidate in place of Winters)
Mr Smith Mr Vandike, what do you think of the situation now ? Mr Vandike Friend Smith, the atuation just now is most alarming. understand that the crowd has pre- Failed upon old Joe Smith, colored, to become a candilate. The danger of is being successful is because of his ncomparable ignorance. He has been n the employ of neighbor Captam Stokes since he left his old master. I vas sure we had everything all right ind satisfactory ; but it seems like the Crowd are determined to have a bab- boon in spite of all we can do.
Joe Smith. Genlemens, I's jist been suaded to present you in de-in-in ; cant say dat-in de Slegimaslator ob le next jineration. I dunno what de Slator is but dat dovent matei es I in git 'furmation bout de bizness ren I gits dar ; dose white folks dinks jigga no nuffin ceptin dey got de edi- cation, but dey is mighty fooled, ase we kin do bizness in de perdition b de slolgiers, and dats nuif to pas- ify de most gashious ov dese wite okes. Jeth, de time is 'rived wen de ullud poplarnation is to take de gub- rnent fairs in dar own hans (exhibit- ng hishands) and make de' wite gin- ycrats 'habe demselves ; dats what le Slejimilator means ; den we is to ab de propity and eberv sing ; den le bottom rail will be whar de coon uns. (great applause)
Mr Smith rises and nods to Capt Stokes, requesting him to address the roud in reply to Joe.
Capt Stokes. My friends and tel- ow citizens : I feel alarmed for both your individual and public welfare ; his is making the matter still worse, gentlemen. This servant of mine is but a bog-trotter, who can scarcely peak the dialect in which your laws ought to be written ; but certainly he has never read a single treatise on any political subject ; for the truth is, he annot read at all. This old slave has belonged to Mr Thomas Smith all his ife, till the close of the war, since which time he has been my servant and of course is totally ignorant of the great. principles of legislation ; and more especially, the particular inter-
ests of the government. A free gov- ernment is a noble acquisition to a people ; and this freedom consists in an equal right to make laws, and to have the benefit of the laws when made. Though doubtless, in such a government, the lowest citizen may be- come chief magistrate ; yet it is suffi- cient to possess the right, not abso- lutely necessary to exercise it-or even if you should think proper, now and then to show your privilege, and exert in a signal manner. your abso- lute prerogative yet is it not descend- ing too low to filch away from me a hireling, which I cannot well spare ? You ure surely carrying the matter too far, in thinking to make a Senator of this ostler ; to take him away from an employment to which he has been bred, and put him to another, to which he has served no apprenticeship ; to set these hands which have been late- ly employed in currying my horse, to the drafting bills, and preparing basi- ness for the house (demonstrations in favor of Joe) I had much rather you would send the weaver, though I thought that improper, than to invade my household, and thus detract from me the very person that I have about me to brush my boots and clean my spurs. (hurra for joe ! Joe we'll have by the crowd) I find it answering no end to expostulate with this multitude If the crowd will keep quiet a minute I will spesk a word, privately, with Joe. Step here Joe. (they step aside) Joe, you are quite wrong in this mat- ter they have put into your head. Do you know what it is to be a member of a deliberative body ? What qualifi- cations are necessay ? Do you under- stand anything of geography ? If & question should be put to make a law to dig a canal in some part of the State, can you describe the bearings of the mountains, and the course of the rivers ? Or if commerce is to be pushed to some new quarter by the force of regulations, are you compe- tent to decide in such a case ? There will be questions of law and astrono- my on the carpet. How you must gape and stare like a fool, when you come to be asked your opinion on
bese subjects. Are you acquainted rith the abstract principles of finance ; ith the funding public securities ; the ays and means of raising revenue ; roviding for the discharge of the ublic debts, and all other things hich respect the economy of the gov- nment ? Even if you had knowledge, ave you a facility of speaking ? I ould suppose you would have too uch pride to go to the house just to y ay or nay. This may not be alto- ether your fault, but you have been customed to dig turf all your life. Then a man becomes a member of a ublic body he is like a raccoon, or ther beast that climbs up the fork of tree ; the boys pushing at him with tchforks, or throwing stones or looting at him with an arrow, the ogs barking in the meantime. One ill find fault with your not speaking ; other with your speaking, if you peak at all. They will put you in te newspapers, and ridicule you as a erfect beast. There is what they ill the carricatura ; that is, represen- ng you with a dog's head, or a cat's aw. As you have a brown head, ley will very probably make a fox " you, or a sorrel horse or a brindle w. It is the devil in hell to be ex- osed to the squibs and crackers of e gazette wits and publications. ou know no more about these mat- rs than a goose ; and yes you would adertake rashly, without advice, to iter on the office ; nay, contrary to ivice, for I would not for a thousand uineas, though I have not the halt to pare, that you should come to this ; ringing on you a worse stain than ealing sheep, to which you are ad- icted. You have nothing but your haracter, Joe, in a new sphere to de- end upon. Let it never be said that ou quitted an honest livelihood, the iking care of my horse, to follow the ew-fangled wuims of the times and e a statesman. (they separate)
Mr Smith Captain, what success o you meet with ?
Capt Stokes I think Joe will with- raw unlesss he is prevailed upon to emain a candidate ; and it so it is uite likely he will be elected as their
majority is very large.
(Everything in a bustle, voting and hurrahing for Joe and ' Publicans)
*
Mr Foot (enters with newspaper)
Mr White (enters) Good morning Esq Foot ! Mr Foote Good morning Mr White. W Have you any election news yet ?
F Yes sir ; I have just been read- ing the morning papers in which I find that the Rads, carpet baggers and negroes have swept the Sate. We havent more than a dozen or twenty members in all. In the lower part of the State nearly every member is col- ored. I see in this paper that I am just reading that old Joe Smith color- ed, has been elected ! I see here, un- der the head of "Startling Frauds," that the Radicals carried the election by fraud. They controlled the poll- holders who counted in. their friends without scruple or shame ! In some instances they carried the ballot box- es to the woods and old out houses where they changed the result when it was against them. There never has been such stuffiug and fraud perpetra- ted in this country since the adoption of the American Constitution. I also see where one, Cornelius McCuster manipulated the election returns in the lower part of the State in a most shameful and scandalous manner. He is the same rascal who ran away from here during the campaign.
W Have you seen any of the mem- bers of the legislature yet ?
F Not yet, sir ; I guess they will be coming in by to morrow as the legislature meets next day.
Sam Cobbler, col. (enters with old carpet bag and clothes) Howde-doo gemmens. I's glad to see you, I is. (extending his hand to take theirs)
W You should not be so familiar, you black rascal. (drawing his hands back) Who are you, anyhow ?
Sam Lord bress your life boss, I's a prewentative ob de 'slator, I is ; yeth sa, I is dat.
W' What is your name ?
Sam Wot is my name ? Tsham.
W Sam : is that all the name you lave ?
Sam Tsham Cobbler is de whole biz- ess of mesef. (pointing'to himself) W Then Sam Cobbler is your ame ; and why did your folks give ou such a name as Cobbler ? I sup- lose you were an ordinary shoe meal- r ?
Sam No sah ! (with dignity, he be- ng bare-foot) No sah ; dis nig ya's roud to say das no shoe ewer cones n his foot. My ole boss gin me a ne Sundy shoes one time an l jist ook em and gin em to my bru.l ler.
W Perhaps they were toc small ?
Sam No sar ; my foot would not, onwiniently go in dem, widout a. ood deal 'suasion.
W What No. were they ?
Sam Boss-said da No. foty.
W Will your brother be here ?
Sam Yeth, sa ; we is de barry quashinist family ob de State, we is. W You mean aristocracy.
S Yes sar ; we is dat.
W Well Sam; you haven't told us. hy you were nuned Cobbler.
S Yeth, well yeth, well I jis tell: ou de truf ; ole missa sel, yeth, he aid dat, when I was a niggi, dat -.
W Well, go on and tell us the roa: on of such a queer name ?
S. He sed, dat, dey cochel dis pre- 'entative-yeth, he stid I wis gwin; ong de pafth one night wid a Coob- ler. Dis preventative 'members nut. bont dit ; all dis preventative. members is dat ole boss hung dis pre- entative up by de neck: andl gin, him, ixteen hundred throusand ob dem lashes, till dhr. wusent nuff b dis preventative.to a make spot.ob. rease : an'l den it was nuffin but Shbler ! Cobbler ! Cobbler !
W Hem -! Yes,. Il understand now. You were caught stealing a urkey.
S. Yeth, but den dat 'scapel ky memory an I's jist as innereant s de chile dat's neber gwineto be born. W . And you say you are a repre- entative of the present legislature ? Yeth sal, i is dut. Cin you desti- ate whar dat is ?
W You will find the hall in' the" next building-the largest building in the city.
S. (retires, and as he goesout at the door .calls back : )
Mishter ! 'spos , de Stator will fur- nish de wishions for all de. hans ?
W' Sometimes the State furnishes . board, and clothing too, for its hands. Mr Foot, to all appearances the legis- lature will be filled with a set of thieves and ignoramuses.
Discouraging ! discouraging ! I fear the State will be seriously crip- pled if not driven into bankruptcy, before we see the end af this. Let us get to our hotel ; it is nigh 12 o'clock. The legislature meets to-morrow. We must be there. (both retire)
Bill Bobkins, col. [meets a farmer on the road. Bill has on a ca'ie) cort reaching nearly to the ground, very ragged parts and shoes and hat, all covered with red mul. Very polite and eloquent] Good ebenin, Boss ! Cin you gin dis dementative a bit ov flurishment to 'stain de coppera -? tion ob de witality, wich will wive him from de onsportable pression dat am'whelining him almoft to deff ?' I's warked about 100 miles las' night. "
Farmer Are you that near starv. ed ?. I can only guess at what you! sty ; you-mean to say that you want some nourishment to sustain your cor- porial vitality, so that youimy revive from your insupportable oppression with which you are. overwhelmel. But how came you so wise anl elo- quent ?
Babkins Orbis, I's a demora- tive; ole mass stil all dom' dings ; dat's de way Blarns em.
Fir I have nothing at all to give you,here on the road. I have som : coldicorn bread to feed my dogs after the chase, but it is unfit for anybody to eat.
Bobbins Dort bress your soul. boss, dit will zuetly met my 'quire- mats (receipts a chuck all begins to. eat, using both hen ley
He: Bit wir dil yousay ya were. anl where are you going ?
Babkins I's a gebentative. I's . g vine down to de 'Slitor as a debin- tulive ob de preple ; yeth, sa I is ; so you see I's one ob de portiant finans
ing on his breat like a 'possum] cher- ructurs ob de stake, anil much 'pends pon my surwival as to what comes ob de preple ob dis great nashin.
F You don't mean to say you are a representative of the people and on your way to the legislature ?
Bobkins Yeth sa ; dat is de 'por- tant perdition I's called ter proccupy at dis immediate conjuncture ; an I must be gwine.
F But what is the matter with you ? the roads must be quite muddy. Why did you not come down on the train ?
Bobkins I cum a piece on de strain und hit stopped, sorter, hand [long breath ] hand I thoit I'd 'fer to walk ?
F You preferred to walk after pay ng your money ; that is strange ?
B Iride free gratis ; you see, I's a lebrentative and I's not gwine to be posed 'pon F What did the con laetor say to you ?
B HIe said "trickets" and went ight on taken papers an I thrings and le ha'l sunthin like punchers and he'd unch de papers an he'd go on, till he ome ter me, an he looked mad an sed 'stickets here."
And what did you say ? Dil rou hand him your ticket ? B No sa; I sad Debrentative. I is told de kindoctor dat I's a debren- ative gwine to de 'slature, an to go ong bout his bizness and not bodder ne if he didnt know who he was talk- n to.
F Did he not ask you for your air, thon ?
Yeth &t ; and I toll him to go vay frum me, dit I was fairin as well s could be specte l. Well, sa, do i think lat imprugent feller would et melonie? nost; heden axel me or de moongy. I said I's halno mon- y; dat I hant seen 5 cents in ix mump, bat dat I would have mo n I could toit as soon as i got to legislator. W. II, sa; do you spos ! dat eller would take any skuses ? I told Um ebery iu honable argument, and Il sorts 'ploligies, but he got madder u mid ler, and den de injan sorter upped all I thourt fore I'd hab a
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