USA > Ohio > Hamilton County > Cincinnati > The Cincinnati miscellany, or, Antiquities of the West, and pioneer history and general and local statistics. Volume II > Part 40
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Mr. M. was a singular genius. He was rather
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ill on the passage-more inclined to sleep than talk; but would rouse occasionally, and conversc intelligently on matters within the range of his observations, which, of course, was not very lim- ited. Our passage through Pennsylvania com- menced about November 1st, 1808, and we made it in that very pleasant sort of traveling season called Indian Summer. We had a stage full of passengers, constituting a well assorted company of nine-one third of whom were ladies. There was enough of variety, of tact, of intelligence, and of companionableness, to causc the time to pass quite agrecably during our six day's trip; for just then they had attained such boastcd speed of travelling, that, by leaving Philadelphia very early on Monday morning, driving well into each night, and rousing us for onward move- ment at 2 o'clock, A. M., they brought us into Old Pitt in ample time to view its then somewhat scanty improvements on the succeeding Satur- day. Our mountain passages werc abundantly rough, and perilous at times; especially on the night we reached Bedford. Our progress that day had been unusally dilatory. We had a shower or two, and werc roused occasionally by the intonations of mountain thunder. Before reaching Bedford, we werc benighted and beset with thick darkness, in descending a stccp, nar- row, and dangerous track-so 'twas said-and what seemed worst, the driver manifested alarm, and even fright. Most of our malcs took to their feet-the Jew and myself remained in the stage with the ladies-and he talked about " Bloody Ruin." It was said that a small deviation would have tumbled us headlong down some hundred fcet; but, thanks to our good horses, we came down perfectly safc.
Such a company, so united for successive days, will commonly seek amusements to " while away time." With us the chief appliance was to mutual satiring Sometimes it might have seemed rather severe; but never ill-humourcd. There was a merchant on board, evidently a great braggart, and from a region reputed to contain not a few of the generation of Bobadil- lians. He was so completely taken down that I pitied and sought to console him, though in con- science I could not much blame his assailants. There was a strapping son of Erin, of Kittaning -rather boisterous in his mirth; but entirely good humoured, in our community. Many sly sa- tirical arrows were shot towards him; but they always glanced off -- or if they seemed to stick, he never seemed to know it. He would carol away, " And a hunting we will go, go, go, and a drinking we will go!"-so merrily and heartily that the quiet mirth of the satirizers would in- stantly be overborne, and their arrows broken or scattered like straws. There was an Irish
lady of Pittsburgh, of speech sufficiently English to pass without cavil, with tones half kindly, half quizzical, and with readiness of wit and tact, which other wits might delight to call into excr- cise; but nonc, in his right wits would choose (hostilely) to provoke. I was the sole repre- sentative of a certain universal nation. My turn of being attacked was to be expected-and it came. " Is it true that from among your people there came forth a great many notable sharpers?" True-perfectly truc-the greatest probably on the face of the whole carth. "Indced sir, say you so." How comes it that your people, who claim to be especially intelligent and even moral, should be marked and distinguished by the send- ing forth of such characters? No difficulty in ex- plaining the matter. " Say you so, sir ?- we should like to hear!" Perhaps I had better de- cline. "But indeed we should like to hear." And no offence? "Not the least, sir; we urge you to speak freely." Well, then, my friend, if you will urge the explanation, you shall have it in few words. Our people are intelligent and enterprising; consequently we have not only rascals as well as' you; but finished, intelligent and enterprising rascals, who find abundant sphere of action and dupes to plunder among your un-intelligent population. Whether this reply was satisfactory I never heard; but was "put" no more to the " question." But the Jcw. Was the Jew overlooked or forgotten? By no means. But it proved a bootless game. When he was wake enough to know that a shot was aimed at him, he would move-strain his eyes open-smile or rather grin-and-go to sleep again, or seem to. The " archer that shot at a frog" never engaged in more bootless arche- ry than our fun-seekers in their attacks on the Is- raelite.
But we arrived at Pitt on the afternoon of Saturday, and our little community was dis- solved for all time ;- vet we did not all separate. The Jew, as one accustomed to the west, took in charge the unpractised Yankec; and he did it in kindness too, I have not the least hesitance in asseverating. Nevertheless, he led me into some troubles. He took me from the stage inn; that was too dear ;- so a wheelbarrow man was soon en- gaged to transport our trunks, and away we trudged in search of cheaper lodgings. Whither away we went I can hardly now divine, for some thirty-four years elapsed before I again saw Old Pitt. But one thing I well remember-it was unconsionably muddy. We found our intended entertainer; but he had been turned out, and was in rather close quarters. We were ushered into a grog-room-rather small-full of customers, -the mud on the floor perhaps not much more than two inches thick -- the grog briskly circula-
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ting, and the sights, scents, and sounds perhaps [ not very much inferior to the most finished ex- hibition of the sort in those diggins, pending the whisky rebellion. We passed on into a small room adjoining, where we were entertained with a view of culinary operations, preparatory for our supper; but these were unfortunate-all being done over a common coal grate, without any crane, was overset, and a child was badly scalded. Our repast was indifferent at best; and was rendered decidedly no better by the screams af the poor child, and multitudinous and the mul- tifarious music in the adjoining apartment. Mr. M. declared this would never do, and we soon adjourned to a private boarding room, where we abode, pleasantly enough till Monday, when we embarked on a keel boat, Capt. Rutherford, com- mander, bound " low down" the Ohio. We left Pittsburgh, November 7, the water excessively low; and it took some thirty-six hours to reach Beaver -- about thirty miles. Mr. M. was out of patience. We bought a skiff; he engaged four young emigrants who were working their pas- sage in the keel (with leave of its owner) to row the skiff to Cincinnati: so away we went, mer- rily, merrily-but not overly rapid. We agreed, for the sake of dispatch, to float at night, an un- dertaking not exactly of the most comfortable kind, in such a craft and in frosty November. I essayed to rest in the bow-the rest where they could. M. had a buffalo rug for his comfort; but one of the rowers, a brisk, funny Irishman, seized and encircled himself with it and laid him- self down to rest, with great calmness. It was rather amusing to hear the moanings of friend M., exclaiming you stole me bool's rogue! Fi- nally, an amicable compromise took place. They shared the "rogue," and soon seemed lost in sound repose-of which thing I had but a very small share; the noise of the ripples and the chills in the air conspiring to invade my incipi- ent slumbers, or prevent their occurrence. I think we floated ashore once. Myself and one of the hands took to rowing; we spied a floating light, and rowed after it; 'twas a family boat. They hailed-" which way are you bound?" Down river. "No! you're rowing up." Oh no! "Try." "Twas so. But we went aboard, where they had a good comfortable fire; and there we gladly remained and floated till day- when we took to our skiff again. We progressed tolerably-stopped a little to look at Steuben- ville, then young; at Charleston (now Wells- burg,) morc in ycars, yet a smaller place-with a wonderful row of taverns. Wc staid one night at Wheeling; M. seemed rather melancholy, ex- claiming often, " Oh, I wish I was at Pisburg- wish I was at Pisburg." Finally he sold us his
interest in our vessel; and asked of me a loan of money, which he would pay at M. when he should come down. I handed him what he desi- red in half eagles. I heard no more of my Jew- ish friend till the next spring, when, returning to M., from the country, I found he had, in an up river trip, enquired till he mete friend of mine, and left with him the lent money. He called some time after, employed me professionally, and paid handsomely.
I feel great interest in the prosperity of Jacob, and have full faith in their restoration. I know not else how the Scriptures can be fulfilled. Have you read the late discourse of M. M. Noah? He is an Israelite; would to Heaven we could add-" In whom there is no guile." But this discourse from an Israelite is well worth attell- tion. The restoration, we suppose, will be Jew- ish, not Christian. What will occur after is en- tirely another question. Is not the way prepa- ring? The Jews, it is fully understood, expect to be restored. They are waiting. The Russian Autocrat is said to be expelling them. Pales- tine, to a great extent, remains vacant. Egypt may become a dependency of Britain. A friend- ly power in Palestine might then be vastly im- portant to her. Turkey is imbecile. France is swallowing the Mahommedan realms of North- ern Africa. Turkey, in Europe, may soon be- come the prcy of Austria and Russia. To sus- tain the balance of power, England (possibly) may seek to hand over Hanover to Prussia, and indemnify herself by serving Egypt, and replant- ing Palestine. But I pretend to no gift of prophecy;" yet the signs of the times are surely of great and singular significance. K.
The Assistant Editor.
With a slight variation of phraseology, the fol- lowing will apply just now, as well as if it had been "expressly calculated for this meridian."
It chanced during the late summer, that a country editor fell ill of a fever. The fact was announced to his readers, along with a notice to the effect, that during his indisposition the edito- rial management would be confided to an assist- ant. Well, it turned out that the assistant con- trived to please the readers of the journal better than the chief himself, and they demanded his name. The convalescent editor informed them that it would be impossible for him to divulge the name of his aid-de-camp, but that he would, in the next number of the " Squatter's 'Thunderbolt and Settler's Family Guide," present his patrons with a correct portrait of the assistant. Ex- pectation balanced itself on tiptoc for a week, and when the anxiously-looked for " Guide" appear- ed at last, lo! and behold! at the head of the edi- torial column appeared a full length engraving of a portly pair of Scissors! Underneath were printed, in staring capitals-Korrekt Portrait ov the 'Sisstant Editur-frum reel Life.
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Answering Letters.
The following little paragraphi deserves to be written in letters of gold. It should be cut out, framed and hung up in the counting house of the merchant, as well as the office of the me- chanic and professional man; or pasted upon the writing desk of@very man in the habit of re- ceiving letters, as a silent monitor of one of those minor morals of society which no true gentle- man will, thus reminded, ever permit himself to offend against. Viewed in this light, no insult can be greater than that silent neglect, which says that a letter you have written is unworthy the common courtesy of an answer of some de- scription:
Letters .- The Book of Etiquitte says "every letter requires an answer of some kind or other," and Madame Celwart, who is the oracle of po- liteness at Paris, says, " It is as proper to reply to a letter which is written to you, as to answer a question that is addressed to you."
Remarkable Incident.
A ROMANCE OF REAL LIFE.
The following singular story, which was cur- rent among the English residents in St. Peters- burg at the coronation of the present Emperor of Russia, has been narrated to us by a person newly arrived from that part of the continent.
In the early part of the year 1826, an English gentleman, from Akmetch in the Crimea, having occasion to travel to France on business of im- portance, directed his course by way of Warsaw and Poland. About an hour after his arrival in that city, he quitted the tavern in which he had been taking a refreshment, to take a walk through the streets. While sauntering in front of one of the public buildings, he met an elderly gentleman of grave aspect, and courteous de- meanor. After mutual exchange of civilities they got into conversation, during which, with the characteristic frankness of an Englishman, he told the stranger who he was, where from, and whither he was going. The other, in a most. friendly manner, invited him to share the hospi- talities of his house, till such time as he found it convenient to resume his journey-adding, with a smile, that it was not improbable that he might visit the Crimea himself in the course of that year, when, perhaps, he might require a similar return; the invitation was accepted, and he was conducted to a splendid mansion, elegant with- out and commodious within.
Unbounded liberality on the part of the Pole, produced unbounded confidence on the part of the Englishman. The latter had a small box of jew- els of great value, which he had carried about his person from the time of leaving home-finding that mode of conveyance both hazardous and in- convenient in a town, he requested his munifi- cent host to deposit it in a place of security, till he should be ready to go away. At the exprira- tion of three days he prepared for his departure, and in asking for his box, how was he amazed when the old gentleman, with a countenance ex- hibiting the utmost surprise replied:
" What box?"
" Why, the small box of jewels which I gave you to keep for me."
" My dear sir, you must surely be mistaken; I never, really, saw or heard of such a box."
The Englishman was petrified. After recov- ering himself a little, he requested he would call his wife, she having been present when he re- ceived it. She came, and being questioned, an- swered in exact unison with her husband-ex- pressed the same surprise-and benevolently en- deavoured to persuade her distracted guest that it was a mere hallucination. With mingled feel- ings of horror, astonishment and despair, he walked out of the house and went to the tavern which he put up at, on his arrival at Warsaw. There he related his mysterious story, and learn- ed that his iniquitous host was the richest Jew in Poland.
He was advised, without delay, to state the case to the Grand Duke, who fortunately hap- pened at that time to be in Warsaw.
He accordingly waited on him, and with little ceremony was admitted to the audience.
He briefly stated down his case, and Constan- tine, " with a greedy ear devoured up his dis- course." Constantine expressed his astonisment -told him he knew the Jew, having had exten- sive money transactions with him-that he had always been respectable, and of an unblemished character, " However," he added, " I will use every legitimate means to unveil the mystery." So saying he called on some gentlemen who were to dine with him that day, and despatched a mes- senger with a note to the Jew, requesting his presence.
Aaron obeyed the summons.
" Have you no recollection of having received a box of jewels from the hand of this gentleman?" said the Duke.
" Never, my lord," was the reply.
" Strange, indeed. Are you perfectly con- scious," turning to the Englishman, " that you gave the box as stated ?"
" Quite certain, my lord."
Then addressing himself to the Jew-" This is a very singular case, and I feel it my duty to use singular means to ascertain the truth; is your wife at home?"
" Yes, my lord."
" Then," continued Constantine, " there is a sheet of paper and here is a pen; proceed to write a note to your wife in such terms as I shall dic- tate."
Aaron lifted the pen.
" Now," said this second Solomon, "com- mence by saying-All is discovered !- There is no resource left but to deliver up the box.
I have owned in the presence .. the Grand Duke."
A tremor shook the frame of the Israelite, and the pen dropped from his fingers. But instantly recovering himself exclaimed-
" That is impossible, my lord. That would be directly implicating myself."
" I give my word and honour," said Constan- tine, " in presence of every one in the room, that what you write shall never be used as an instru- ment against you, farther than the effect it pro- duces on your wife. If you are innocent you have nothing to fear-but if you persist in not writing it, I will hold it as a proof of your guilt."
With a trembling hand the terrified Jew wrote out the note, folded it up, and as he was desired, sealed it with his own signet.
Two officers were despatched with it to his house, and when Sarah glanced over its contents,
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she swooned and sunk to the ground. The box was delivered up, and restored to its owner-and the Jew suffered the punishment his villany de- served. He was sent to Siberia.
Button Holes on Both Sides.
A gentleman in Charleston, who entertained a good deal of company at dinner, had a black as an attendant, who was a native of Africa, and never could be taught to hand things invariably to the left hand of the guests at table. At length, his master thought of an infallible expedient to direct him, and as the coats were then worn in Charleston single-breasted, in the present Quaker fashion, he told him always to hand the plate, &c., to the button-hole side. Unfortunately, however, for the poor fellow, on the day after he had received this ingenious lesson, there was amongst the guests at dinner, a foreign gentle- man with a double-breasted coat, and he was for awhile completely at a stand. He looked first at one side of the gentleman's coat, then at the other, and finally quite confounded at the out- landish make of the stranger's garment, he cast a despairing look at his master, and exclaiming in a loud voice, " Botton holes at both sides, massa," handcd the plate right over the gentlc- man's head.
Managing a Husband.
This is a branch of female education too much neglected; it ought to be taught with " French Italian, and the use of the globes." To be sure, as Mrs. Glass most sensibly observes, " first catch your hare," and you must also first catch your husband. But we will suppose him caught -and therefore to be roasted, boiled, stewed, or jugged. All these methods of cooking have their matrimonial prototypes. The roasted husband is done to death by the fiery temper, the boiled husband dissolves in the warm water of conjugal tears, the stewed husband becomes ductile by the application of worry, and the jugged husband is fairly subdued by sauce and spice. Women have all a natural genius for having their own way, still the finest talents, like " the finest pisantry in the world," require cultivation. We recom- mend beginning soon.
Wlicn Sir William L- - was setting off on his wedding excursion, while the bride was sub- siding from the pellucid lightness of white satin and bonde, into the delicate darkness of the lilac silk travelling dress, the lady's maid rushed into his presence with a torrent, not of tears, but of words. His favourite French valet had put out all the bandboxes that had been previously stored with all feminine ingenuity in the carriage. Of course, on the happiest day of his life, Sir William could not " hint a fault or hesitate dislike," and he therefore ordered the interesting exiles to be replaced. "Vcry vell, Sare William," said the prophetic gentleman's gentleman, " you let your- self be bandboxed now, you'll be bandboxed all your life."
The prediction of this masculine Cassandra of the curling-irons was amply fulfilled. Poor Sir William! One of his guests a gentleman wliose wits might have belonged to a Leeds clothier, for they were always wool-gathering, confound- ed the bridal with one of those annual festivals when people cruelly give you joy of having made one step more to your grave-this said guest, at his wedding, literally wished him many
happy returns of the day! The polite admirer of the bandboxes found, however, one anniver- sary quite sufficient, without any returns.
The lines which follow are copied from " Tri- flcs in Verse," a collection of Fugitive Poems, by L. J. Cist; just published by Robinson & Jones, of this city. The piece here given has never been in print, prior to the appearance of the volume in question:
The Blind Girl to her Sister:
ABSENT FROM HOME.
COME HOME! DEAR SISTER !- Sad and lonely- hearted,
As o'er another ray of light withdrawn-
As for the sunshine of her home departed-
The blind girl sits and weeps, to mourn thee gone!
Gone :- The companion of her mirth and sadness, The friend and playmate of her childish years; Life, in thine absence, loseth half its gladness,
And this deep darkness doubly dark appears: The long, long day is more than night without thee-
Thrice welcome night! for all sweet dreams about thee!
COME HOME! SWEET SISTER !- Ah! how much I miss thee-
All thy kind shielding from life's rude alarms- From day's first dawn, when erst I sprang to kiss thee,
Till night still found me nestling in thine arms-
My lips may speak not !- but the heart's deep feeling,-
The spirit's sadness, and the low-voiced tone,- The round full drops, that will not brook con- cealing,
These tell of one deep grief-I AM ALONE! Alone !- Without thee, dcarest, what to me Were even life's best gift-the power to see?
COME HOME! DEAR SISTER !- Can the far-off stranger,
How kind soever, yield thee love like mine?
Can fairest scenes, through which thou rov'st, a ranger,
Give to thee joys like those which HOME en- slırine?
Think how for thee my lonely spirit pineth,
Through the long weary hours, as day by day Slowly the sun down yonder west declineth, Whilst thou, my sun of life, art far away! Thou canst not dream how this full hcart is yearning
For that bless'd day which sees thee home re- turning!
COME HOME! SWEET SISTER !- Like a dove, all lonely,
My heart sits brooding in its silent ncst,
O'er joys departed !- Come! thy presence only Can make our home with cloudless sunshine bless'd!
E'en as the bird, whose gentle mate has perislied, Droopeth, no more to notes of rapture stirred- So pine I now, amid the scenes we've cherished; I cannot sing, where, cver once were heard
Our strains commingled, ere thy steps did roam,-
My song is hushed !- Sister, sweet mate, COME HOME!
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Panning.
As a general thing, there is nothing we more abominate than puns and punsters. It is true that from among the infinity of efforts made by the latter, a good specimen of the former is oc- casionally produced; as by continued efforts sparks may be sometimes forced to scintillate from a worn-out flint; but these happy hits, coming when they do, amid the dark brood of painful abortions, of which the regular punster is usually delivered, are truly "like angel's visits, few and far between." The best puns, like the happiest similes, are always those which are suggested- not sought for; and such, we think, are the fol- lowing:
" Why do you use tobacco?" said one gentle- man to another. " Because I chews," was the prompt and witty reply.
There is no truth in men," said a lady in com- pany. "They are like musical instruments, which sound a variety of tones."-" In other words, madam," said a wit who chanced to be present, " you believe that all men are lyres."
Caleb Whiteford, of punning memory, once observing a young lady very earnestly engaged at work, knotting fringe, asked her what she was doing. "Knotting, sir," replied she. "Pray, Mr. Whiteford, can you knot. " I can not" an- swered he.
Sang Froid.
The army of Mayence was attacked at Tofrou, in 1793, by Charett and Bonchamp, and, unable to resist the superior forces of the Vendeans, re- treated and lost its artillery. The Republicans were on the point of being destroyed, as their re- treat was about to be cut off. Kleber called the Leiut. Col. Schoudardis; " Take (said he) a company of Grenadiers; stop the enemy at that ravin; you will be killed, but your comrades will be saved." " Oui, mon general," replied Schou- ardis calmly. He marched; held the Vendeans a long time in check; and after prodigies of valour, died with his men on the spot. This " Oui, mon general," equals . the finest specimens of an- tiquity.
Squeezing the Hand.
We endorse the following-every word of it. An exchange says:
" It is but lately that we understood the strange constructions that are sometimes put upon a squeeze of the hand. With some it is entirely equivalent to a declaration of love; this is very surprising indeed. We must take hold of a lady's hand like hot potatoes; afraid of giving it a
squeeze lest we should burn her fingers. Very fine, truly !- Now it was our ancient custom to squeeze every hand that we got in our clutches, especially a fair one. Is it uot a wonder that we have never been sued for a breach of promise? We would not give a rusty nail for one of your cold formal shakes of the hand. Every person who extends one or two fingers for your touch, (as if he were afraid of catching some cutaneous distemper,) should go to school a while to John Quincy Adams. He shakes you with a ven- geance, and shakes your body too, unless you
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