USA > Ohio > Hamilton County > Cincinnati > The Cincinnati miscellany, or, Antiquities of the West, and pioneer history and general and local statistics. Volume II > Part 41
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should happen to be as thick as himself. Well, there is nothing like it; it shows a good heart at any rate, and we would rather a man would crush the very bones of our fingers, and shake our shoulder out of joint, than that he should poke our paw, as if he were about to come in contact with a bear or hyæna. The ladies may rest assured of this, that a man who will not squeeze their hand when he gets hold of it, does not deserve to have a hand in his posses- sion; and that he has a heart seven hundred and forty-nine times smaller than a grain of mus- tard seed."
A Brother's Love.
There is something transcendantly virtuous in the affections of a true-hearted brother towards his gentle and amiable sister. He can feel un- bounded admiration for her beauty-he can ap- preciate and applaud the kindness which she be- stows upon himself. He can press her bright lips and fair forehead, and still she is unpolluted -he can watch the blush steal over her features when he tells her of her innocent follies, and he can clasp her to his bosom in consolation when the tears gush from her overloaded heart. With woman there is a feeling of pride mingled with the regard which she has for her brother. She looks upon him as one fitted to brave the tempest of the world; as one to whose arm of protection she can fly for shelter when she is stricken by sorrow, wronged or oppressed; as one whose honour is connected with her own: and who durst not see her insulted with impunity. He is to her as the oak is to the vine-and though she may fear all others of mankind, she is secure and confident in the love and protection of her brother. Nothing affords man such satisfaction, and nothing entwines a sister so affectionately among his sympathies and interests, as profound reliance on her virtue, and strong convictions of her diffidence and delicacy. As these two latter are far the most delightful qualities of a beautiful fe- male, so are they the strongest spells for enticing away the affections of the other sex. A female without delicacy is a woman without principle: and, as innate and shrinking perception of vir- tue is a true characteristic of a pure hearted crea- ture, so it is the most infallible union between hearts that truly beat in response to each other. There is more tenderness in the disposition of woman than of man; but the affection of a brother is full of the purest and most generous impulses; it cannot be quenched by aught on earth, and will outlive all selfish aud sordid at- tachments. A deep rooted regard for a gentle creature born of the same parents with ourselves, is certainly one of the noblest feelings of our na- ture, and were every other feeling of human nature dead, save this, there would still a bright hope remain that the fountain of virtue and prin- ciple was not yet sealed.
A Guarded Answer.
In the Registration Court, Cupar Fife was called on to appear as a witness, but could not be found. On the sheriff, asking where he was, a grave elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said:
" My lord, he's gone."
"Gone! gone!" said the sheriff, " where is he gone?"
" That I cannot inform you," replied'the com- municative gentleman, " but he's dead."
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Appleby's the Man. By the author of the "Little Pedlington Papers."
In Drury Lane Theatre there was, during many years, a man, a character, whose name was Appleby. He was messenger to the estab- lishment, and, besides, did a variety of little odd jobs for the performers. To describe his person would be to do an unkindness to his memory :- "De mortuis -; " and little Appleby has long been sleeping in his little grave. Yet let us en- deavour, in a delicate way, to convey to you some notion of what manner of man he was, and this may be done least offensively by negatives. He was not qualified, then, for the adequate rep- resentation of Coriolanus-his stature and de- portment were against it; nor for that of Lothario -his face was not in its favour; nor for Romeo -his voice did not sound " silver sweet by night" -nor, indeed, by day either; nor could he have succeeded as Harlequin, for (not his eyebrows, but) his shins being finely arched, they would have endangered his personal comfort as often as he had to risk them in a leap through a brick wall or a dripping pan. But his voice having been, what a late noble orator might have called, his most remarkable " feature," it is necessary to say farther of it, that it possessed considera- ble charms for those who delight in a compound of a snuffle and a lisp.
At the time when Appleby flourished, there flourished also in the same theatre with him, many persons of high distinction; amongst those were Sheridan, the finest comic dramatist that has ever existed since Congreve and Farquhar; John Kemble, a tragedian as yet nnapproached, if not unapproachable; and two others to whom the same remarks will apply-Mrs. Siddons and Mrs. Jordan. Now, as Appleby frankly and honestly admitted the importance of those per- sons to the establishment to which they and he were attached, so was he unscrupulous in assert- ing his own: and for so long a period had he filled his situation, that, at last, he considered himself an integral part of the theatre, which could no more exist, and he not in it, than a watch per- form its functions if one of its wheels were re- moved. Having said thus much, it will at once be perceived, that of Appleby's mind, the grand characteristic was vanity-not a small, sneaking, timid vanity, which is contemptible, but a vanity bold, boundless, and indomitable, compelling ad- miration. It was not of his person he was vain, his great sonl was above such weakness-but of his abilities. He fancied not only that he could do every thing, but also that he could do every thing better than any body else. This he always thought, and never hesitated to say. Now, as occasions for the declaration of this opinion of himself were constantly occurring, a long phrase for the purpose would have been inconvenient: it would have cansed a ruinous waste of time: he compressed his sentiment, therefore, into one short, compact, and most expressive sentence, consisting of only three words :- "Appleby's the Man!"
But in addition to his settled notion that what- ever he did was right and best, he would have it believed also that he could do no wrong. He never would admit that he had made a mistake, or had lapsed into negligence. To err might be human, but error was a frailty from which little Appleby always contended that little Appleby was exempt.
But mere description is insufficient to do jus- tice! we must exhibit him in action, and make him speak for himself.
One day, just at the termination of a rehearsal, Wroughton, the stage manager, received a mes- sage from Mrs. Siddons. She informed him that she was suddenly taken ill, and that unless she should recover within a few hours, it would be impossible for her to act that evening. She re- quested, therefore, that, in case of the worst, he would be prepared for some change in the per- formances; but assured him that she would exert herself to the utmost to render any such change unnecessary.
What was to be done? It was too late to change the play ( which was Macbeth) altogether: the manager's only resource, therefore, was to be prepared with a substitute for Mrs. Siddons. Ho wrote a note to Mrs. Powell, acquainting her with the circumstance, and requesting her at - tendance at the theatre that evening, in case her services should be required.
Appleby, the messenger, was sent for; and, in order to guard against any mistake, the manager was precise in his directions to him.
"Appleby," said Mr. Wroughton, " here is a note to Mrs. Powell; it is of great importance; you must not lose a moment in the delivery of it. And now, observe, if you do not find her at home, you must follow her to wherever she may be, and put the note into her own hands."
" That'll do, sir-note of importance-enongh said, sir-Appleby's the man." Appleby's com- pound of snuffle and lisp, which defies the print- er, the reader must supply-if he can.
"Then go; and lose no time."
" Lose time, sir? Beggin' your pardon, sir, Appleby never loses time, sir. I tell you what, Mr. Wroughton, there are some people in this theatre-and some of what I call the big wheels in the machine, too,-who do lose time; but beg- gin' your pardon, sir, for never losing time, Ap- pleby's the man."
" Now, sir," said the manager sharply, " un- less you go instantly with that note, I shall send somebody else with it."
" Beggin', your pardon, sir, there is nobody in this theatre can take this note but little Appleby. "T'isn't a common note, sir-any body can take a common note, sir-but you told me very dis- tinctly that-now beggin' your pardon sir, for not allowing myself to be interrupted, you did tell me very distinctly that this is a note of great importance; and for delivering a note of great importance, Appleby's the man."
" Then go at once, and make no mistake."
" Now beggin' your pardon, sir, I never made a mistake in my life; and I tell you what, Mr. Wroughton, I'm the only man in the world that can say as much-at least in Drury Lane Thea- tre, and this theatre is what I call the world in mini'tur', so that it's the same thing. Could make a mistake as well as any body else, if I tried, I dare say ; but beggin' your pardon, sir, for never making a mistake, Appleby's the man."
Appleby quitted the presence; and Mr. Wroughton drew up, aud despatched to the printer, a notice, which, in case of need, was to be posted at the doors of the theatre, prior to their opening. In the days of Kembles, and Siddonses, and Jordans, ladies and gentleman, did not presume to "condescend " t3 do that which it was their duty to their employers and the public to do, even though that dity might in-
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volve the performance of a second rate part of jing parts, and the farce of " High Life below Shakespeare's ;* so the notice ran simply thus:
" Owing to the sudden indisposition of Mrs. Siddons, the indulgence of the public is entreated for Mrs. Powell, who has undertaken the part of Lady Macbeth, at a very short notice."
At the period in question, the entertainments commenced at half-past six, and the doors were opened at half-past five. Long, long before that time, however, the various entrances were be- sieged by crowds who were anxiously waiting to witness the sublime performance of Kemble and his sister. Mr. Wroughton had taken a hasty dinner, and at five o'clock was again at the theatre. His first question to the stage door keeper was, " Is Mrs. Siddons here?" To this the reply was in the negative.
" Then is Mrs. Powell come, or has she sent any messenger?" inquired the manager.
'To this double shotted question, the reply was as before.
" Then send Appleby to me instantly," said he; and he proceedcd to his room.
But Appleby was no where to be found. It r was ascertained that he had left the theatre, when ordered, with the letter to Mrs. Powell, but had not since been seen. Now Appleby was the Magnus Apollo of a small circle who frequented a public house near the stage door (which was then in Drury Lane;) he was the dictator, the unquestioned and unquestionable authority in all matters theatrical. The most profound secrets of the manager's room, stories of the most pri- vate doings of the principal performers, the last night's receipts to a fraction, the plot of the forthcoming, or even of the yet unfinished play, would all be communicated by Applely to his auditors; and as he enjoyed their implicit reli- ance upon the correctness of any thing he told them, however improbable or absurd it might be, so did they, when disseminating the information they had received from him, command the belief of their hearers by the unanswerable-" I had it from Appleby!" In that scene of his glory was Appleby sought for, but in vain: wonderful to tell he had not been there that day! The time for the opening was drawing near: it was neces- sary that something should instantly be de- termined upon. Mr. Wroughton himself went to Mrs. Powell's house, which was in the imme- diate neighbourhood of the theatre. He was in- formed by one of her servants that she believed her mistress had not received any note from him, for that only half an hour ago she had set off to visit a sick friend at Hampstead. All hope of her assistance, therefore, was at an end, so that he could not issue the notice he had prepared. What should he do? He was mightily perplexed; so he did what many people, who are quite as wise as he was, do when they find themselves in a scrape-he resolved to trust to the chapter of accidents for getting out of it. Nevertheless, that nothing might be wanting on his part, he went to Mrs. Siddons; he made her acquainted with the difficult position in which the theatre was placed; and that lady though scarcely capa- ble of the exertion of acting, yet undertook to play that night. The evening's performances consisted of nothing more than the tragedy of Macbeth, with Kemble and Siddous in its lead-
* In the bills of the Theatre Royal (the play being Hamlet,) it positively stands recorded of a second rate actor of the present day, that -" upon which occa sion, and for that night only. Mr. , will kindly condescend to perform the part of the Ghost. '
Stairs;" yet was the house as crowded as if the classic stage of Drury had presented a cage of wild beasts for the play, and Jim Crow, the ele- gant and the edifying, for the afterpiece.
Before the conclusion of the play, Mrs. Pow- ell came into the green-room, she confirmed the statement made by her servant, that she had not received Mr. Wroughton's note, and added that Appleby had not been at her house at all on that day. Shortly afterwards it was announced that Appleby had at length made his appearance. The culprit, who exhibited symptoms of having been indulging in potations of a stronger kind than water, was forthwith summoned into the manager's room.
The manager, assuming his severest look and sternest tone, thus began :- " Now, sir, what is the reason that ------ "
" Now, beggin' your pardon, sir, that isn't the point: thier's four hundred and eighty-six pounds in the house, at first account, this blessed night, and who have you to thank for it? I tell you, sir, Appleby's the man."
"None of your foolery, sirrah, but tell me why-
" Beggin' your pardon, sir; I don't mean to say that Mrs. Siddons is to go for nothing-in all machines there are wheels-big wheels and little wheels-wheels within wheels, as I say. Some- times the big wheel does the work, sometimes the little wheel. Mrs. Siddons is a wheel, a big wheel-Mr. Kemble is a big wheel-but Ap- pleby also is a wheel, and-now, please, beggin' your pardon, sir, don't interrupt me-I say Ap- pleby's a wheel, though he is but a little wheel. Now, to-night the little wheel has done it. Four hundred and eighty-six pound, first account- Appleby's the man." And Appleby, with an air of importance, drew himself up to his utmost height.
Wroughton, angry as he really was, could scarcely suppress a laugh; and aware of the man's weakness, and perhaps amused by his ex- hibition of it, le allowed him to make out his case in his own way.
"Appleby, I gave you a note for Mrs. Powell; the fact is you lost it."
" Oh !- now I understand you, sir. You ac- cuse me of losing the note. Beggin' your par- don, sir, I never lost a note in all my life." Here, with an air of triumph, he drew the note from his pocket, and threw it down upon the ta- ble. "Now, Mr. Wroughton. I hope you'll confess your un-justice. You accuse me of losing the note, and there it is. No, no, sir; you may think what you please, but beggin' your pardon, rely upon what I tell you-little Appleby's the man."
" Why, this is making the matter worse and worse. Instead of obeying my orders, you have been passing the whole of the afternoon in some public house."
" In course I have, sir," replied Appleby, in a manner the most unconcerned. "In course; and where's the harm of it, when I had nothing else to do?"
" What! when I positively ordered you to de- liver that note into Mrs. Powell's own hands!"
"In course you did: you're a perfect gentle- mau, Mr. Wroughton, and I don't mean to con- tradict you: but, beggin' your pardon, sir, there was no need to employ an Appleby for such a thing as that."
" What do you mean, sirrah?"
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" I'll tell you what I mean, sir. Any man in this theatre can deliver a note when he is or- dered to do so: any common messenger can do that; but for knowing when to deliver a note, and when not to deliver a note, beggin' your pardon, sir, Appleby's the man. Now-110W- please, sir, don't interrupt me. Setting the case I had donc as you ordered me, what would have been the consequence? First place, Mrs. Powell would have got the note; second place she'd have come to the theatre; third place, you would have put up at all the doors, a notice of change; fourth place, more than eight-eighths of the peo- ple would have gone away-taken their money to the Garden, perhaps ;* fifth place, you'd have had seventy pound in the house. Now, sir, owing to my not delivering that note, there's four-eighty-six, first account, and who have you to thank for it? Beggin' your pardon, sir, Ap- pleby's the man."
And having satisfied himself, not only that he had done no wrong; but, that on the contrary, he had rendered a considerable service to the thea- tre, he without waiting for another word from the manager, strutted out of the room.
There was in the theatre a bricklayer, who was constantly retained for the purpose of giving his professional assistance upon any sudden emergency; but as those occasions were not of daily occurrence, he did duty also as a relief to the stage door keeper. This man was a tall, athletic Irishman, named Billy Brown. It had happened that Brown being employed upon some necessary repairs, Appleby had (to nse Brown's words,) "dropt an insult upon him which he would never forgive." What was the nature of that insult we have never been able to learn: it seems to have been entirely between the parties, for it never was brought to light. The offence, however, must have been heavy; for, the first time after its perpetration that the parties met, (which was in the hall of the theatre,) Brown caught Appleby up in his arms and actually threw him behind the fire. From this perilous situation he was instantly released by persons who were present, and all he suffered was some damage to his clothes. But Brown never forgave the insult, nor Appleby the injury; and when they met, as sometimes they could not avoid doing, they always passed each other in silence and with a sullen scowl.
On the morning after Appleby's interview with the manager, Brown was in attendance at the stage door. Appleby came as usual. Greatly to his astonishment, he was saluted with, " Good morning to you, Misthur Appleby." But the value of the salute was considerably diminished in Appleby's estimation, by the sucering tone in which it was uttercd. Appleby made no reply, but was passing on, when his progress was pre- vented by Brown's placing his huge arm across the doorway.
" None of your nonsense, beggin' your pardon, Mr. Brown: I'm Appleby!"
" Then you'll walk out of this, Misthur Ap- pleby: you are discharged."
"?Discharge Appleby! pooh! Let me know who'll discharge Appleby, and I'll soon let them know that Appleby's the man?"
" Then you'll let Misthur Wroughton know it, Misthur Appleby, for it's by his orders; so walk out of this, I tell you."
" I'll see Mr. Wroughton himself," said Ap- pleby, attempting to force a passage under Brown's guard.
" Then you'll see him in the sthrate, for out of this you must go-and quietly, if you plase." Brown uttered these words with a malignant grin, at the same time pointing significantly at the fire. The hint was sufficient; the burnt child made no reply, but hastily shuffled out into the street.
Discharged! Appleby discharged! The doom of Drury was pronounced. The thing could not Le; it was an invention of his old enemy, Brown, for the purpose of annoying him. Such were the thoughts of Appleby as he paced up and down, outside the stage door, in expectation of the arri- val of Mr. Wroughton. At length that gentle- man made his appearance.
" Beggin' your pardon, sir," said Appleby, ta- king off his hat, but standing ereet and looking the manager full in the face-" beggin your par- don, sir, I have news that will astonish you: Appleby's discharged."
" Well, and what then?" said Mr. Wroughton, in a tone of indifference.
"Beggin' your pardon, sir, I'm afraid you don't understand me: I say Appleby's dis- charged, and you say, 'what then?' Appleby's discharged: Appleby! that's all."
" I have discharged you in consequence of your negligence yesterday. You will be paid the full weck's wages, but you will not be wanted here again. You are discharged." Say- ing this, Mr. Wroughton entered the theatre, leaving Appleby utterly bewildered by this con- firmation of his disgrace.
He staggered over to the other side of the way, and looked up at the building from which he was so unnaturally dissevered, as if he expected nothing less than that its fall must ensue.
" Can't go on," at length he muttered; " can't go on, that's very certain; a wheel out of the ma- chine. Poor Drury! I'm sorry for poor old Drury. Appleby out? Can't be! Mr. Wrough- ton's a wheel-a big wheel, I don't deny it; but Mr. Sheridan's a bigger wheel. Now we'll see what Mr. Sheridan will say to this."
Appleby proceeded directly to the house of the " bigger wheel." Here he was informed that Sheridan was gone down to the House of Com- mons. Thither he followed him. He found him in one of the committee rooms. He scribbled something upon a piece of paper, which was handed up to Sheridan, who, with evident, alarm read the words,-Don't be frightened, sir, but F have bad news for you."
Sheridan hurriedly led the way out of the- room. "What in the name of Heaven is the. matter," inquired he, " is the theatre on fire, or what?"
" Not exactly that, sir, only beggin' your par- don, the concern can't go on."
" Oh, the old story, I suppose; the performers have struck for arrears of salary."
" No, sir; but the thing will never enter your head, so I'll tell you: Appleby's discharged."
" Well, and is that all? is that why you have dared to disturb me?"
* Meaning thereby Convent Garden Theatre. "You have had a had house to-night," said some one to"S-, who was for many years the box book keeper at Drury Lane Theatre. "Sorry to say, sir, very bad, sir," was that most civil functionary's reply. And with upturned eyes, a pious look, and a hand upon his heart, he added: " But. Providence is very kind to us, sir, not withstand- ing, sir; thank God it is a great deal worse at the Gar- den, sir!"'
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" All!" exciaimed Appleby. Beggin' your pardon, sir, allow me to ask you a question. Suppose I took a wheel out of your watch- a little wheel, we'll say-what would hap- pen ?"
" Why, booby the watch would stop."
" That'll do, sir; that's all I want; for getting at once to the rights of things Appleby's the inan. Now, Mr. Sheridan, this is why the con- cern can't go on; a little wheel is taken ont of the machine: Appleby's discharged. That's all."
Sheridan, who knew and enjoyed the humour of the man, burst out laughing in spite of his vexation at the interruption. " Who has dis- charged you?" said he, "and why? I suppose you have done something to deserve it."
" I am discharged out of gratitude, sir. Four hundred and eighty-six pound in the house last night, at first account, letting alone the half- price, and who is to be thanked for it? You know me of old, Mr. Sheridan; so I needn't tell you-Appleby's the man."
Sheridan, having patiently listened to Apple- by's story (which he told after his own fashion,) desired him to meet him at the theatre in an hour, promising to intercede in his behalf with Mr. Wroughton.
Appleby, who now considered his reinstate- ment in office as a settled thing, loitered about the neighbourhoed of the House of Commons till Mr. Sheridan came out, and unperceived by him he followed him to the theatre. He entered at the same moment with Sheridan.
" Oh, here you are, Appleby," said Sheridan, who had not till then observed him, " come along with me."
" Good morning to you this time, Mr. Brown,"
said Appleby, as he strutted past his redoubtable ge.
The result of Sheridan's intercession was, as might have been expected, Appleby's restoration to his place :- a severe rebuke, and a fine of ten shillings, for example's sake, being his only pun- Fishment. Appleby did not venture down to the hall until he had satisfied himself that all persons who might be there, but chiefly Brown, were in- formed of his being again in power. He then made his appearance with a handful of letters for delivery. Of the fine and rebuke he said noth- ing; but, placing himself in the very centre of the hall, he folded his arms across his breast, allu looking Brown steadily in the face, cried, " Dis- charge Applebv!" Then, striking his hat firmly down upon his head, he added, "Appleby's the man!"
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