USA > Vermont > Early history of Vermont, Vol. I > Part 22
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JUSTICE BREWER'S ESTIMATE OF LAWYERS.
"While it is cheap wit for many to say sneering things of our profession, yet, if you strike from Anglo-Saxon history the thoughts and deeds of her lawyers you rob it of more than half its glory. Blot from American society to-day the lawyer with all the work that he does and all the power that he exerts, and you leave society as dry and shifting as the sands that sweep over Sahara. For the mystic force that binds our civilization together and makes possible its successes and glories in the law, and they who minister at its shrine and keep alive its sacred fires, are you and I and that vast multitude of our co-workers who boast no higher title than that of lawyer."
HER JUDGMENT SUSTAINED .- In a divorce case where there was evidence that the wife called her husband "an old fool," the court says, "The re- cord sustains the wife's judgment." And on an- other point also her conclusion was affirmed. She told him she would have been foolish to have mar- ried a man of his age who had no money, and the court says, "Again we think her judgment was correct."
"I make whisky," said the moonshiner, "to make shoes for my little children." The judge seemed touched, for he had children of his own. "I sympathize with you," he said, "and I am going to send you to the Ohio Penitentiary, where you can follow the shoe business for two years."
AN IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBILITY .- The foreman of a jury in a recent murder trial reported : "The prob- ability, or even possibility, of this jury ever agreeing is impossible in my opinion."
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A BAD HABIT .- That suicide is a "pernicious habit that obviously tends to shorten life" is the defense set up by a life insurance company in a re- cent action on a policy which expressly excluded liability for such reprehensible habits. It must be conceded that suicide if it becomes habitual would have the tendency described.
WEEPING IN COURT .- We, some time ago, drew attention to a Kentucky case which decided that counsel might legally shed tears in court. In France, however, it seems that an attorney may not do so, on account of which rule a French dis- ciple of Blackstone was induced to try a new ex- pedient, which unhappily proved ineffective. It appears that he had instructed his client to weep every time he struck the desk with his hand, but forgot and struck the desk at the wrong moment. She promptly fell to sobbing and crying. "What is the matter with you?" asked the judge. "Well, he told me to cry as often as he struck the table." "Gentlemen of the jury," cried the unabashed law- yer, "let me ask you how you can reconcile the idea of crime in connection with such candor and simplicity."
KINSHIP OF HOG AND BACON .- The following is related by Lord Bacon of his father, Sir Nicholas. When the latter was appointed judge on the Northern Circuit, "he was by one of the malefac- tors mightily importuned for to save his life ; which when nothing he said did avail, he at length desired his merey on account of kindred. 'Prithee, said my lord judge, 'how came that in ? 'Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon and mine is Hog ; and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separ- ated.' 'Av, but,' replied Judge Bacon, 'you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged ; for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged !' "
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HOW LAWYERS ARE LIKE LIES .- In a very wit- ty address by Jesse Holdon before the Chicago Credit Men's Association ( published in "The American Lawyer" for September), he said of law- vers : "Like the boy's version of the text about lying, they may be an abomination unto the Lord, but they are an ever present help in time of trouble, as all of you know by actual experience."
LIED TO HIS ATTORNEY .- A German on trial many years ago in western Ohio for maliciously . cutting a neighbor's cow had so convinced his at- torney of his innocence that, although the evidence against him was totally insufficient to convict him, his attorney, in order to give him the com- pletest vindication, placed his client on the stand and asked him point blank, "Did you cut the cow ?" The effect was startling. With blanched . face and quivering lips, the accused starred in agony at the court and stammered, "Mein Gott, shudge, I can't tell you a lie. I know I shall go in de hell if I do. I cut dot cow."
MOONSHINE COURTS DIDN'T COUNT .- A witness in a North Carolina state court was asked on cross-examination if he did not testify in a former trial directly contrary to what he had just sworn to. He replied, with evident unconcern, "I did, sir." Lawyer. "You did. Well, which was the truth and which was the lie ?" Witness. "What I told the first time was a lie, and what I say now is the truth." Lawyer. "And are n't you ashamed to confess that you perjured yourself in a court of justice ?" Witness. "Why, no, sir, that first time was only the Federal court."
Mrs. Peck-Suppose that you and I were all alone upon a desert island, what is the first thing that you would do ?" Henry (impulsively )-Try to get away.
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HIS CHARACTER ALL RIGHT YET .- The follow- ing cross-examination of a witness in a court in western North Carolina is sent us as an actual occurrence :
Dist. Atty. "Now, Mr. Blinkins, you swear before this court and jury that you know the de- fendant's reputation in the community in which he lives and that he is generally reputed an upright peaceable, law-abiding citizen ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir."
Dist. Atty. "Now, Mr. Blinkins, don't you know that Lafe Huggins has never done anything but loaf around and drink moonshine whiskey and fight ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir."
Dist. Atty. "And don't you know that he abuses and beats his wife terribly ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir.
Dist. Atty. "And don't you know that he broke up the Pigeon River camp meeting last win- ter and whipped the circuit rider ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir." .
Dist. Atty. And don't you know that he kicked his old father down the stens and out of the yard and nearly killed him ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir." .
Dist. Atty. And don't you know that he was convicted in this very court three years ago of ma- liciously shooting Deacon Smith's hogs ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir."
Dist. Atty. "And don't you know that he was once accused of stealing a horse, and that the owner of the horse and the principal witness for the prosecution were killed just before the trial was to be had ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir."
Dist. Attv. "And don't you know that his neighbors all know these things ?"
Witness. "Yes, sir."
Dist. Atty. Then how can you. sit there and
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swear that this defendant's reputation is good in the community in which he lives ?"
Witness. "Why, mister, a man has to do a heap wuss things than that to lose his character in our neighborhood."
A CORRECT JUDGMENT .- In Buffalo many years ago, when Judge Stryker was on the common pleas bench, there was an elderly lawyer named Root who sometimes appeared in court when he had taken a drop too much. On one of these oc- casions he persisted in interrupting the court with irrelevant remarks. Every time he was ordered to sit down he obeyed but soon popped up again. Finally the exasperated judge exclaimed : "Sit down, Mr. Root, and stay there. You are drunk." "I will cheerfully obey your honor," said the of- fender, "inasmuch as it is the first correct judg- ment rendered by the court this term."
Judge-Did you see the beginning of this trouble ? Witness-I did, your honor. It occurred five years ago. Judge-Why, how is that ? Wit- ness-It began when the minister pronounced them man and wife.
HOLDING IT UNDER ADVISEMENT .- A Missouri justice of the peace at the close of a case announc- ed with great dignity : "I will hold this case under advisement until next Monday morning, at which time I will render judgment for the plaintiff."
WHERE THE LAW IS .- An attorney writes : "The opinion of our supreme court in the case is not instructive, and was evidently written by a judge who wished to affirm a judgment clearly un- supported by both law and facts, but in our briefs you will find the law."
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A well-known judge, noted for his tendency to explain things to juries, expressed in a recent case his own ideas with such force that he was sur- prised the jurors thought of leaving the box. They did leave, however, and were out for hours. In- quiring the trouble, the judge was told one of the twelve was standing out against the eleven. He summoned the jury and rebuked the recalcitrant sharply. "Your honor," said the juror, "may I say a word ?" Yes, sir," said the indignant judge; "what have you to say ?" "Well, what I wanted to say is, I'm the only fellow that's on your side."
One of the older members of the Cincinnati bar was once pleading a case before Judge Sage, and had talked incessantly for two hours. Suddenly and unexpectedly, the long-winded man stopped short and coughed. "I should like a glass of wa- ter," said he to the court attendant ; and the man disappeared to get it for him. For a moment there was a long-drawn sigh from the listeners ; and then Judge Sage leaned forward to the friend who tells the story, and whispered, "Why don't you tell your friend, Alfred, that it is against the law to run a windmill with water ?"
AS AFFIDAVITS USUALLY BE .- An attorney who filed pretended affidavits to which he affixed his official jurat as notary public when the signers had never been sworn, but merely admitted the signing, excused himself by asserting that this was "the usual manner of administering oaths in such . cases ;" but he was not able to convince the court of that fact.
A unique formula for swearing to an affidavit adopted by a well-known attorney whose charac- teristic nasal solemnity made it effective, was this : "I swear that this affidavit is as true as affidavits usually be."
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Where a small dog was away from home decol- lete, although the statute required a collar, and was killed by a large dog, and the defense was that the killing was lawful because of the want of a collar, it was held by the court that the big dog was not de jure or de facto a police officer or con- stable, and was not shown to have examined the records to see whether or not the little dog had . been licensed to travel without a collar. Heisrodt v. Hackett (Mich.) 3 Cent. L. J. 479.
IN PURSUANCE OF THE CODE .- In an affidavit taken before a Mississippi justice of the peace, on which a conviction for assault and battery was sustained, the affiant declared that the accused "did wilfully assault and strike him with a deadly weapon, to wit, 'a tobacco box,' in pursuance of chapter 29 of the Annotated Code of 1892, against the peace and dignity of the state of Mississippi."
Senator Walcott; Mr. Reed,-the famous T. B., -and Mr. Choate were spending a cosey evening together at Senator Walcott's home. "I have never smoked a cigar, I have never played a game of poker, and I have never attended a horse-race in my life," said Mr. Choate in the course of the conversation. Senator Walcott looked patheti- cally at the Speaker of the House. "I wish I could say that," he remarked. "You can," said Mr. Reed : "Choate did."
An officer in the army, seated at the table d'hote, of an hotel, looking significantly at a clergyman opposite, said : "If I had a son who was an idiot I would make him a clergyman." "Evidently your father was not of that opinion," quietly responded the clergyman.
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EARLY HISTORY
A professor of Trinity College, Dublin, over- hearing an undergraduate using profane oaths, rushed at him, exclaiming, "Are you aware, sir, that you are imperilling your immortal soul, and what is worse, incurring a fine of five shillings ?"
Curiously worded advertisements are common in the London papers. One paper offered a prize for the best collection of such announcements, and the following is the result :-
"A lady wants to sell her piano, as she is going abroad in a strong iron frame."
"For Sale : A pianoforte, the property of a mu- sician with carved legs."
"Wanted : A room for two gentlemen about thirty feet long and twenty feet broad."
"Lost : A collie dog by a man on Saturday evening answering to Jim with a brass collar round his neck and muzzle."
"Wanted : By a respectable girl, her passage to New York ; willing to take care of children and a good sailor."
"Mr. Brown, furrier, begs to announce that he will make up gowns, capes, etc., for ladies out of their own skins."
"Wanted : An organist and a boy to blow the same."
"Wanted : A boy to be partly outside and partly behind the counter."
"To be disposed of, a mail phaeton, the prop- erty of a gentleman with movable headpiece as good as new."
"Well, father," exclaimed the prodigal son, as. he made his appearance again at the family fire- side, "are you ready to kill the fatted call ?" "No," replied the old man grimly, I think I'll let you live."
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"No," said Sevator Sorghum, with emphasis, "I can't talk for publication to-day." "But Sena- tor, in all the years of our acquaintance, this is the first time you ever declined to let me quote you." "I don't want you not to quote me. I want you to say I decline to be interviewed. This is confi- dential ; I've concluded it's time for me to act as if I'd got to be so important that I dare not talk for fear of giving something big away."
An exchange says a gentleman invited some friends to dinner ; and, as the colored servant en- tered the room, he accidentally dropped a platter which held a turkey. "My friends," said the gentle- man, in a most impressive tone, "never in my life have I witnessed an event so fraught with disaster in the various nations of the globe. In thiscalam- ity we see the downfall of Turkey, the upsetting of Greece, the destruction of China, and the humilia- tion of Africa."
The founder of one of our agricultural colleges, who was more noted for having the interest of the public at heart than for aptness of expression in speech, was once called to be chairman of a meet- ing convened to consider the necessity of procuring ground for a new cemetery. "Gentlemen," said he, "I suppose you all know that there has got to be a new cemetery, and now we are anxious to know how many of you are ready to go into it !"
The dude was making the girl dead tired by his long and vapid talk on the advancement of wo- men. "Don't you ever wish you were a man ?" he asked as a kind of clincher. "No," she responded in the sweetest, most womanly way. "Do you ?"
"Owing to unforeseen circumstances," an- nounced an Australian paper not long ago, "our last issue did not appear."
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"Annual bargain sale now going on Don't go anywhere else to be cheated," is the rather dubious manner in which a New York furniture dealer worded his announcement.
"When I was first married," says Rev. Dr. Lor- mer, pastor of Tremont Temple, Boston, "I had my strict ideas about Sunday observance. Mrs. Lorimer had a colored 'aunty' for cook ; and on the first Saturday after she came I went into the kitchen, and told her I did not want any Sunday work, so she could prepare all meals for that day beforehand. She didn't say one word while I was talking. Then she looked up, and pointing to the door, exclaimed, 'Now look hyar, Marse George, you jest go in dar and 'tend to your Christianity, and leave me 'tend to mah kitchen !" I went ; and, as near as I can remember, she had hot dinners Sundays as long as she stayed with us."
"What is the meaning of the saying 'The king can do no wrong' ?" "I think it must be a sort of insanity plea-a theory that most monarchs are non compos mentis, or pretty near it."
Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube) -Is there a blithering idiot at the end of this tube ? Voice from the engine-room .- Not at this end, sir.
"It's a standing rule in my church," said one clergyman to another, "for the sexton to wake up any man that he may see asleep." "I think," re- turned the other, "that it would be much better for the sexton, whenever any man goes to sleep under your preaching, to wake you up."
LAWYER: "I have my opinion of you." Citizen : "Well, you can keep it. The last opinion I got from you cost.me $150."
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OF VERMONT.
A Boston Sunday-school teacher lately gave her class a rather graphic description of how Eve was created from the rib of Adam. "Mamma," said the youngest member of the class that even- ing, pressing his hand to his side, "I'm afraid I'm going to have a wife:"
Gilboy-I understand that Judge Marrymore is breaking up housekeeping.
Gadman-That can't be ; he's very busy these days deciding divorce cases.
Gilboy -- Well, isn't that what I said ?
Kind Neighbor (accompanied by. a large mastiff, to a little girl very much afraid of him) : "He's a good dog, he never hurts any one. Don't you see how he's wagging his tail ?" Little Girl (still shrinking back) : "Yes, I see ; but that isn't the end I'm afraid of."
"Are you a native of this town ?" asked a trav- eller of a resident of a sleepy little Southern ham- let. "Am I a what ?" "Are you a native of the town ?" "Her ?" "I asked if you were a native of this place ?" At that moment his wife, tall and sallow and gaunt, appeared at the open door of the cabin, and. taking her pipe from between her teeth, said acridly : " 'Aint' ve got no sense, Jim ? He means wuz ve livin' here when you was born, or wuz ve born before you begun livin' here. Now answer him."
MISTRESS (to Norah)-What must be the condi- tion of a person in order to be buried in conse- crated ground ? NORAH (in great surprise)-Dead, mum !
GOVERNESS-Come Ethel ; it's time for good little girls to be in bed. ETHEL-Yeth, Miss Mor- gan ; but you know I have been naughty to-day.
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While Col. Gillam, with the Middle Tennessee Regiment, was occupying Nashville he stationed sentries in the principal streets. One day an Irish- man, who, not long enlisted, was put on duty, kept a sharp watch. Presently, a citizen came along. "Halt ! Who goes there" ? "A citizen," was the response. "Advance, and give the coun- tersign." "I have not the countersign," replied the indignant citizen. "And the demand for it at this time and place is unusual." Well, begorrah ! Ye dont pass this way until ve say, 'Bunker Hill'!" The citizen appreciating the situation, smiled and advanced to the sentry, and cautiously whispered the magic words. "Right ! Pass on !" And the wide-awake sentinel resumed his beat.
"My boy Johnny has such a cheerful disposi- tion." "Ves ?" "Oh, ves. When I make him wash his neck, instead of grumbling, he just says he's glad he is not a giraffe."
"We bought a lawn mower at the Montague auction." "Well, that was all right, wasn't it ?" "All right ? Maria says it is our old one which they borrowed and never returned."
PERFECTLY HARMLESS. DIx-I once knew a young man who smoked fifty cigarettes daily without any particular harm resulting therefrom. HIx-Is it possible ! Dix-Yes ; and the only no- ticeable effect was the death of the smoker.
THE DUPE-Tell me the worst ! THE DOCTOR (gloomily)-You will soon be up and around.
A girl sued a man for breach of promise, and proved him such a scoundrel that the jury decided that she ought to pay him something for not mar- rying her.
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OF VERMONT.
FIRST ARTIST-Well, old man, how's business ? SECOND ARTIST-Oh, splendid ! Got a commission from a millionaire. Wants his children painted very badly." FIRST ARTIST (pleasantly)-Well, my boy, you're the very man for the job.
A new post-office was established in a small vil- lage away out West, and a native of the soil was appointed postmaster. After a while complaints were made that no mail was sent out from the new office, and an inspector was sent to inquire in- to the matter. He called upon the postmaster, and. statiras the cause of his visit, asked why no mail had been sent out.
The postmaster pointed to a big and nearly empty mail-bag hanging up in a corner, and said :
"Well, I ain't sent it out 'cause the bag ain't nowheres nigh full yet !"'
During a discussion at a meeting of the Trinity College Historical Society upon the slight consid- eration attached to life by uncivilized nations, a speaker mentioned the extraordinary circumstance that in China if a man were condemned to death he could easily hire a substitute to die for him; "and" the debater went on, "I believe many poor fellows get their living by acting as substitutes in that way !"
MISS DE STYLE-Oh, major ! Did you ever go to a military ball ? OLD VETERAN-No, my dear young lady ; in those days I had a military ball come to me. It nearly took my leg off.
LITTLE BOB-I could walk the rope just as well as the man in the circus, if it wasn't for one thing. LITTLE WILLIE-What is that ? LITTLE BOB-I'd fall off.
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REVERSE ACTION .- The Elderly Matron-You shouldn't mind the baby crying a little. It strengthens his lungs.
THE YOUNGER MATRON-Oh, no doubt ; but it weaken's his father's religion.
MISTRESS (to servant)-Did you tell those ladies at the door that I was not at home ? SERVANT- Vis, mum. MISTRESS-What did they say ? SER- VANT-"How fortinit !"
GOOD SENSE-The court, in the case of Marshall vs. State, 59 Ga. 156, said "To be too drunk to forin the intent to kill, one must be too drunk to form the intent to shoot."
MRS. JONES -- Why don't you do something to support yourself ?
THE TRAMP-I wuz t'inkin', madam, of startin' one of dem endless chains of letters contributing to me relief.
SHE-"Sometimes you appear really manly, and sometimes you are absolutely effeminate. How do you account for it ?" HE-"I suppose it is here- ditary. Half of my ancestors were males and the other half females.'
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