USA > Ohio > Hamilton County > Cincinnati > Cincinnati Society Blue Book and family directory, 1879 > Part 13
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To gentlemen's visiting cards, " Mr." should be prefixed to the name.
Any lady wishing to inform her friends of the presence of a lady
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visiting her family, should enclose her visitor's card with her own, in the same envelope.
An invitation to dine should be answered on the day received. On receipt of an " At home" card, no reply is required.
An invitation requesting your presence requires an answer.
INTRODUCTIONS.
Ladies of social equality are presented to each other, and so also are gentlemen. When the difference between the parties is doubtful the person introducing may say : " Mrs. G., this is Mrs. M .; Mrs. M. Mrs. G.," thus striking a balance of respect.
A gentleman desiring to be introduced to a lady, must first obtain permission, after which the following formula may be used : "Mr. Arthur desires to be presented to Miss Angell." If the lady making the introduction desires the mutual acquaintance of the parties, she says: "This is Mr. Dawes, Mrs. Maxwell. It gives me pleasure to present him to you." The married lady replies according to her feel ing, and, of course, in terms of polite conversation. If she is pleased to know Mr. Dawes, she says so cordially and frankly, at the same time thanking the presentee, who withdraws at once.
A young lady in the same circumstances, politely recognizes the gentlemen, bows and smiles, using the name of the new acquaintance. The gentleman alone should express gratification, adding such com- pliments as the occasion seems to demand. The introduced parties may be as friendly as they please, but excessive cordiality on first acquaintance is not to be commended.
The etiquette of hand-shaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand till it is offered. He has even less right to squeeze or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's, unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman of course, never dares to do so seated. On introduction in a room, a married lady generally offers her hand, a young lady does not.
In a ball room, where the introduction is to dancing, not to
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friendship, you never shake hands, and as a general rule, an introduc- tion is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. It may per- haps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less hand-shaking takes place ; but if the introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, "I want you to know my friend Dawson," or, if Dawson comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Dawson your hand, and warmly too. Lastly, it is the privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his forward first.
If the difference in age between two ladies or two gentlemen be unmistakable, the younger is presented to the elder. If there is an admitted superiority, the disparity in age is unobserved. The unknown person is presented to the man of greater fame without question.
The single lady is introduced to the married lady, and the single gentleman to the married, other things being equal.
Persons born and reared in the best society never make a hasty presentation or introduction. An habitual, though momentary, reflection adjusts in their own minds the proper relation of the two who are about to be made known to each other, and unpleasant mis- takes thus become almost impossible.
Introductions should be considered wholly unnecessary to a pleas- ant conversation. Every person should feel that he is, at least for the time, upon a social equality with every guest who is present. That a person was bidden to the entertainment proves that the host so con- siders him, and the acceptance of the invitation levels him, for the time, either up or down to the social grade of all whom he may meet, no matter at what estimate he may hold himself when elsewhere. A lady or gentleman must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in the house, as if there were no more exalted society than that which is present.
SALUTATIONS.
" A bow," says La Fontaine, "is a note drawn at sight. You are bound to acknowledge it immediately and to the full amount." Ac-
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cording to circumstances it should be respectful, cordial, civil or familiar. An inclination of the head is often sufficient between gentlemen, or a gesture of the hand, or the mere touching of the hat ; but in bowing to a lady the hat must be lifted. If you know people slightly, you recognize them slightly; if you know them well, you bow with more cordiality. The body is not bent at all in bowing, as in the days of the old school forms of politeness; the inclination of the head is all that is necessary.
One's own judgment ought to be sufficient as to the empressement of the salutation. In bowing to a lady, the hat is only lifted from the head, not held out at arm's length for a view of the interior. If smoking, the gentleman manages to withdraw his cigar before lifting his hat; or, should he happen to have his hand in his pocket, he removes it.
Gentlemen who are driving are obliged to keep tight hold of the reins, and this is impossible if they remove their hats. A well-bred foreigner would never dream of saluting a lady by raising his whip to his hat. American gentlemen have adopted this custom, but it would be still better if they would set the fashion of bowing without touch- ing the hat or raising the hand, when holding the reins.
A well-bred person bows the moment he recognizes an acquaint- ance. According to the rules of good society everywhere, everyone who has been introduced to you is entitled to this mark of respect. A bow does not entail a calling acquaintance; to neglect it shows neglect of early education.
In thoroughfares where persons are constantly passing, gentlemen keep to the left of a lady, without regard to the wall, in order to protect her from the jostling elbows of the unmannerly ; unless a lady prefers to walk on a gentleman's left, for his protection.
A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her (lifting his hat not too far from his head), although the one bowing is an entire stranger to him.
It is civility to return a bow, even if you do not know the one who is bowing to you.
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Should any one wish to avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has once been properly introduced, he may do so by look- ing aside, or dropping the eyes as the person approaches, for if the eyes meet there is no alternative.
Bowing once on a public promenade is all that civility requires. At the second meeting, if you catch the eye of your acquaintance, smile slightly. If the gentleman is an acquaintance, it is better to avert the eyes.
A lady may permit a gentleman who is walking with her to carry any very small parcel that she has, but never more than one.
A lady cannot take the arms of two gentlemen, nor should two ladies take each one arm of a gentlemen, "sandwiching" him, as it were.
Gentlemen do not smoke when driving or walking with ladies, nor on promenades much frequented.
A married lady should always extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome. Where an introduction is for dancing there is no shaking of hands.
A gentleman when stopped by a lady does not allow her to stand while talking with him, but offers to turn and walk with her.
When a gentlemen joins a lady on the street, turning to walk with her, he is not obliged to escort her home. He can take his leave without making any apology.
Never give the cut direct unless for some inexcusable rudeness. It is better to meet a recognition coldly.
A lady may recognize a gentlemen who has been formally pre- sented to her, even when he cannot recall her face, on account of the difference of appearance made by the change from gaslight to day- light. His acknowledgment of her recognition must be as respectful as to a valued friend.
The same formalities obtain at entertainments. The gentleman, who is a formal acquaintance, waits patiently for the lady guest to recognize his presence.
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When calling, gentlemen leave their umbrellas, overcoats, and overshoes in the hall; but take their hats and sticks with them into the drawing-room, unless they are calling on old friends. The hat and stick should never be deposited upon a chair or table, or any other article of furniture. They can be placed upon the floor, very near the chair occupied by the owner, if he does not wish to retain them in his hands. The lady rises to receive him, unless an invalid or of advanced age. If she extends her hand he takes it respectfully without removing his glove. He never offers his hand first. If the call be a hasty one, he seldom seats himself, but takes leave soon after another gentleman enters. The lady retains her seat and bows her adieux, without extending her hand a second time. Hand-shak- ing is falling into disuse in ordinary visits.
A lady never accompanies a gentleman to the door of the draw- ing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she has a profound re- spect for him. She introduces him to no one unless there is a special reason for the formality, but he converses with her guests as if he had met them before.
No after recognition is warranted between gentlemen, or between ladies, and certainly not between a lady and gentleman, until they shall meet again in the drawing-room, when the gift of mutual speech is resumed.
If the parties desire to be presented to each other, the oppor- tunity is afforded them at these casual meetings. The hostess cannot easily refuse this formality if she be asked to perform it; and, if the acquaintance be mutually agreeable, it is well; but, if not, the lady can speedily terminate it between herself and a gentleman.
A gentleman always lifts his hat when offering service to a lady, as in restoring her fan or kerchief, or when opening a door that she may pass before him. She is expected simply to bow her acknow- ledgment.
Young gentlemen must not be over sensitive if they are not rec- ognized on the promenade after having been hospitably entertained by a lady friend. Such omission is by no means singular where ladies
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entertain many visitors, and see some of their gentlemen friends rarely. It would be less frequent were young men less in the habit of making their party calls by card.
STRANGERS IN THE CITY.
It is a rule among people of quality to call on persons newly arrived in the city. It is contrary to foreign social usage, but Ameri- can society approves the custom.
If the visitor comes properly introduced, the entrance to society is easy. Strangers with proper credentials, who come as tourists or as permanent residents, will be duly called upon by hospitable citizens.
In such cases introductions are not needed. The resident ladies call between two and five o'clock, send in their cards with those of their husbands, fathers, or brothers, and a cordial interview follows. This call should be returned within a week, or an explanation sent. If the call is simply returned by a card, it is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or have reasons for not receiving visitors.
A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation. His lady friend, or kinswoman, may leave his card, and he may receive an invitation, verbal or written, to make the new acquaintance. Under such circumstances, the usual formality of introduction may be made by his second visiting card, which he will send in to announce himself at the time of his call, provided he pays his respects to the new house- hold unaccompanied by a common friend.
A stranger cannot first call upon an old resident, unless a meeting and mutual liking should pave the way to it. Good feeling may prepare the way for either to make the initiatory visit. This etiquette is based upon the supposition that the elder lady belongs to a larger circle of friends, and has more pressing social duties than the younger one. If the parties are equal in age and position, the one whose re- ception day arrives earliest should receive the first call.
Aged gentlemen or ladies, an eminent personage or clergymen, always receive the first call. It is proper to leave a card for them,
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even when they are known to be too much engaged either to receive in person or to return calls of ceremony. The card signifies respectful and appreciative remembrance.
VISITING AND VISITING CARDS FOR LADIES.
The visiting card conveys a subtle and unmistakable meaning. It can express perfect breeding. It is the safest herald of an intro- duction for a stranger. Its text should be fine, and its engraving a plain script.
In every case where there is no title there should be the prefix " Mrs." or " Miss," the name being in clear letters of medium size.
Letters of introduction are not so much used as formerly. An acquaintance to be formed between between strangers may be arranged by card where personal presentation is inconvenient. The introducing lady writes on the upper left-hand corner of her own visiting card the formula : "Introducing Mrs. Charles Anderson."
This card is enclosed in an envelope of fine quality with that of the lady desiring the introduction, and sent by post or messenger. The lady who receives the two cards must call in person, or, if this be impossible, some member of the family must call, or a letter be sent by special messenger to explain the omission. Nothing less than this can be done without offending the introducing party.
If the call is made upon the sender of the two cards, not more than three days should intervene between this courtesy and the introduction, unless an "at home" day is mentioned either on the visiting-card or during the interview. If no special courtesies are extended, and the introduced lady resides at a distance, she must leave a card with P. P. C. ( pour prendre conge ) written on it to give information of her departure; but if the acquaintance has gone no further than one visit cach, she need not call again, and her leave-taking card closes the courtesy. If she be a resident of the city, she may include the new acquaintance in her formal visiting-list, and invite her to receptions; but she cannot first ask the acquaintance, whom she has herself de- sired, to a breakfast, luncheon or dinner. The first hospitality is a
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privilege that is very properly reserved to the one who has received an unsought acquaintance.
After a personal introduction, the oldest resident may, if she choose, leave a card, which must be similarly acknowledged within a week, unless a visiting day is engraved or written upon the card of the first caller, when that special occasion cannot be overlooked without a return card or a written apology. No further visiting is necessary, unless mutually convenient or agreeable. When a lady changes her residence, she may leave her card with her new address, upon those to whom she owes visits, or send it by post. Is her new residence is beyond the limits of her old visiting range, or in a disagreeable thor- oughfare, her first card on formal acquaintances should not include a call.
A lady leaving for the summer, if the season be well advanced, sends her own and her family's P. P. C. cards, with her temporary address, by mail, unless she takes leave at an accidental interview. When she returns, she sends out her cards with her "at home" day on them.
A young lady about to be married leaves her card. without calling, about three weeks before the event, accompanied by her mother's, or her chaperon's card, the names not being engraved together. An independent address is left for each lady member of the household which she honors.
If a death occurs in the household of a friend, a card with any appropriate sentiment written upon it, or a boquet of cut-flowers and a card, are sent directly. The same gentle recognition of any felici- tous event, such as the birth of a child, a private wedding, the entering of a new house, etc., is a pleasant, but not rigid, etiquette among friends and admirers.
Among acquaintances, the card only, with no intruding expressions upon it, is left, either with or without flowers-usually without when a sorrow has fallen upon a family. This card may be that of a stranger even; but it is never sent, and always left in person, or is carried by a special messenger, as a more delicate recognition of the grave event.
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This etiquette is not a necessity, it is only a proof of gentle breeding and refined manners, and is growing in special favor.
Cards are always first left in the hall when entering a reception. This custom makes the debtor and creditor list of the entertainer easier to arrange, because announcing names is rarely done in Ameri- can cities; and, even if it were, in large circles the memory must be excellent that can retain all the faces of those who accept these cour- tesies. Provided an invitation to a party or a reception is necessarily declined after having been accepted, cards are sent by messenger upon the same evening, and an explanatory note is forwarded the next day, when more leisure will make its excuses and its regrets compre- hensible.
An invitation card and a reply to it may go by post, but a card of sympathy or of congratulation cannot. This must be left in person, if possible, otherwise by special messenger.
The forms and qualities of cards, and their style of engraving, are a matter in which a delicate taste is not thrown away.
The husband's card should accompany that of his wife upon all formal 'occasions, but it is no longer stylish for both names to be en- graved upon the same card, except directly after marriage the mother's and the eldest daughter's names are always engraved on the same card during the first season of the young lady's appearance in society, and afterward, if agreeable, in the following form :
Mrs. Henry Brightwood. Miss Brightwood. No. - , Wesley Avenue.
If there is more than one daughter in society, "Misses Bright- wood " is a proper form to use. When a son has entered society, his mother leaves his card with her husband's and her own, to signify that it is expected he will be included in next season's invitations- After he receives one invitation from a lady, he is presumed to be capable of managing his own social matters by making his party call, and leaving his own card and address.
Not longer than a week must elapse before the cards of all who
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have been invited, whether the invitation was accepted or not, are to be left by some member of the family, upon both host and hostess, and also upon any one for whom the entertainment may have been given. A single lady member of the family may perform this social duty of returning cards of thanks and congratulations upon the suc- cess of the fete.
Gentlemen cannot assist in these social arrangements, and thus relieve the lady members of the family. They may, however, leave a lady's card at a house of sorrow, but not after a festivity.
CARD ETIQUETTE AND VISITING CUSTOMS FOR GENTLEMEN.
A gentleman having been introduced to a lady may be uncertain whether she desires to continue the acquaintance. If he wishes it, he leaves a card, and her mother, or chaperon, sends an invitation to visit the family, or to an entertainment, after which he is expected to call and pay his respects. If the list of the lady's acquaintance be already too extensive, no notice need be taken of the card, and he will wait for further acquaintance until he meets the family again. If he be introduced by card or by letter, he calls upon the lady, inquires for the ladies of the family, and sends in his own card, carefully addressed along with that which introduces him. He is received, if the intro- ducing party be properly respected.
When a gentleman is presented to a lady, the presentation is un- derstood to be complimentary, and she may simply say "Thank you," without asking for a continuance of the acquaintance. When he meets her again, he must await her recognition without seeming to do so. When she bows, he can express his thanks by his manner. If she is pleased with his address or with his position, she may ask him to call upon her. As a well-bred unmarried lady cannot do this, the young gentleman must bide his time by leaving his card, as before intimated. This arrangement renders the making of acquaintances an easy affair, provided it is agreeable to both persons, and it is a wall of defense against strange and unwelcome visitors. However unpleasant the result may be of an attempt to make a lady's acquaint-
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ance in this manner, every true gentleman will recognize the necessity of harriers across the sacred threshold of home.
The style of the gentleman's card, and his address, often secure acceptability when combined with the recollection of the host or hostess who made the presentation.
The hostess observes the hour of a gentleman's formal call. If he be a business man, his first call is between half-past eight and nine in the evening. If not, he calls between two and five in the afternoon. Calls should not be made at half-past seven, for fear the lady will be out. Such a course is sure to displease a high-bred young hostess, since it proves he is either ignorant of etiquette or is careless of it.
A gentleman leaves his card for both host and hostess within a week after an entertainment to which he has been invited, whether he has accepted or declined the hospitality. If he cannot call, the card is imperative.
Invitations to parties, balls, receptions and kettle-drums, should all be answered, and then there can be no misunderstanding.
A gentleman introducing another by card, sends his own with that of the person introduced. It may be sent by post, and its recep- tion must be recognized within three days, or an explanation and an offer of courtesies to the stranger must be sent by special messenger. After this the acquaintance may continue, or may cease if the receiver of the introductory card deem no further civility necessary to the presenting person.
A gentleman may leave his card for a bereaved friend, or in other delicate ways signify his sympathy, but unless the friendship be a very familiar one he should not write to him of the bereavement, or speak to him of it when they meet.
A gentleman never makes a formal call without asking to see all the ladies of the family. He sends in or leaves his card for cach individual. If he be calling upon a young lady who is a guest in a household with whom he has no acquaintance, he must ask to see her hostess at the same time, and also send her his card. This hostess of his friend may decline interrupting his visit with her presence, but it
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is considered elegant and hospitable for her to descend before his visit terminates, to assure him that her guest's friends are welcome to her house.
When he desires to see a lady whom he meets in society, she may, if the acquaintance warrants it, and she has been out in society one full season, receive him without the presence of her mother or chaperon, and he may not construe this informality into an indelicacy. It is a standard of social freedom that is proper to an American.
The mother is likely to excuse herself. She knows the constantly expressed desire to see herself is complimentary and respectful, and as such the well-bred lady usually receives it; but should she appear, and remain during the entire visit, all the same, he must be agreeable to her, and ask for her every time he calls.
GENERAL DIRECTIONS FOR CARDS AND CALLING.
A call in person should not be returned by a card.
After cards have been left once in the season, they need not be left again, excepting after an invitation, or upon a guest stopping in the house.
A gentlemen invited by a lady to call upon her, cannot, without showing her great discourtesy, neglect to pay the call within a week. He is not obliged to repeat it, or to do more than leave his card at her door.
Cards and invitations sent by post should be removed from their stamped envelopes before putting them in the card receiver.
The rule found in books on etiquette, " Visiting cards can under no circumstances be sent by post, or delivered in envelopes at the door," is in a fair way of becoming a dead rule. It has always had its exceptions.
When a lady receives weekly, a resident, desiring of calling upon her, cannot make a first call on the reception day, unless asked to call on that day.
After such a card has once been left, one is at liberty to call the
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following season on the same day, unless a card has been left or sent in the meantime with the day changed.
Persons living in the same neighborhood should select the same day for receiving. It is too much to expect your friends to remember the days that are not arranged for particular localities, and wanting in thoughtfulness for their convenience as well.
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