USA > Ohio > Hamilton County > Cincinnati > Cincinnati Society Blue Book and family directory, 1879 > Part 14
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In respect to the Cincinnati custom of all ladies having stated days for receiving, a noble lady writing on etiquette, says: " To re- ceive visitors on a stated day in each week is only to be justified by the exigencies of a lofty position." To this we might add for social use : " Unless the convenience of callers is studied by the uniting of an entire neighborhood on a given day." The day fixed by the oldest resident should be adopted by all.
One cannot return the calls of elderly ladies, or even of their equals in age, by leaving cards at the door. It is not considered re- spectful. If the cards of persons much younger are left after hospi- talities extended to them, one is at liberty to make a card serve for a return visit.
A call upon persons in mourning, and all cards of condolence should be returned with mourning cards when the family begin to make their appearance in public. Calls upon a bereaved family should be made within ten days by intimate friends, and within a month by mere acquaintances. Those who wish to leave cards only inquire after the health of the family, leaving cards in person.
Calls are due to the newly married, and also to the parents who have sent the invitations.
Turning the upper right corner of a card implies a visit.
Turning the upper left corner, congratulations.
Turning the lower right corner, adieu. Turning the lower left corner, condolence. Turning the entire left end, a call on the family.
R. S. V. P. means " Please answer." P. P. C. " To take leave."
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Not more than three cards should be left at the same time on the members of the same family.
THE KETTLE-DRUM.
A kettle-drum is understood to be a light entertainment with demi-toilette for both ladies and gentlemen. It is said to have orig- inated in garrisons in England and India, where a drumhead is often made to do duty for a tea-table. They have become popular in met- ropolitan social circles, where ladies of fanciful disposition have pro- vided little exercises suggestive of afternoon parties in camp. Some- times a tiny drum is beaten at intervals in the vicinity of the tea-table, where a lady of the household, or a favorite friend, presides.
Sometimes a young lady, costumed as a vivandiere, sits or stands by the tea-urn as its presiding genius. These picturesque additions to an ordinary afternoon reception are often very pleasing.
The "at home" is seldom engraved on a reception card for a simple entertainment, unless it be after a wedding. If a series of receptions are to be given, the lower line on the left of the card may be simply : " Tuesdays in December, from three to seven o'clock."
These cards are sent in two envelopes. Less formal receptions or " at homes" may be signified by writing the day or days and hours for receiving upon the left corners of visiting cards, and possibly add- ing "kettle-drum." These are sent by post in a single wrapper. If two or more ladies are to receive with the hostess, their cards may or may not be inclosed with that of the lady of the house, according to inclination.
At a "kettle-drum," after the formal salutations are made, if there be not a crowd of guests, a tray with tea, cream and sugar is presented almost immediately by a domestic, and another servant offers simple refreshments to accompany it. If the rooms be filled, the guest is asked to seek tea at the table where it is served. Some hostesses invite a bevy of young society girls of their acquaintance to serve her guests with tea and refreshments, and to entertain them while they are eating; and they often wear coquettish caps, pretty
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aprons, and short dresses, to show their slippers and gay stockings. Formal leave-taking at kettle-drums is not expected; as they are a con- clensation of calls, after-calls can be omitted.
PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS.
Although all evening parties are expected to include dancing, it is desirable that the word dancing should be engraved on the cor- ner of the card of invitation, and the hour of commencing. The ball is of course only for dancing, and ends always with a substantial supper.
The hours mentioned in notes of invitation to balls is usually from half past nine to half past eleven, but from nine to half past nine are the favorite hours named in notes of invitation to balls in Cincinnati. These notes are sent out from ten to twenty days in advance of the festivity, always by post, unless the lady writing is sure of her messenger. The party note or card is issued about a week or ten days prior to the appointed evening.
The ball demands the fullest of toilets which the season admits of for both ladies and gentlemen. Supper is usually served about half past twelve o'clock. Light refreshments, such as tea, coffee, chocolate, lemonade and bouillon, and also punches and wines, should be accessible during the entire evening.
The hostess sends out her invitations to either hall or party after calling by card or in person upon all her proposed guests to whom she is socially indebted. They are handsomely engraved in script, and issued in her own name for a ball, but in both her own and her hus- band's name for a party.
The following is the fashionable formula for the ball :
MRS. ANDREW SMITH Requests the pleasure of your presence on Thursday evening, December fourth, at half past nine o'clock.
Dancing. No. - Pike Street.
The party invitation not only indicates an earlier hour for arriv-
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ing, but instead of the simple word "Dancing" in the left corner it may be engraved "Dancing at eleven."
Of course this invitation must be accepted or declined within two or three days after its reception. The form of acceptance or re- gret is written in the name or names of the party invited :
MR. AND MRS. FREDERICK MARSHALL Accept with pleasure 'or decline with sincere regret)
MRS. FARQUHAR ALEXANDER'S Kind invitation for January third. No. -- Eighth Street.
The wife enters the drawing-room on her husband's right arm, or the eldest lady occupies this position, provided the lady be not married, and there be more than one lady accompanying the gentle- man. It is becoming more and more the custom for the lady to enter the ball-room unassisted.
When passing in or out of an apartment the lady precedes the gentleman by a step, unless she retains his arm.
The guests find friends after greeting the hostess, until young ladies are engaged for the dance. When applying for the honor of dancing with a young lady, it is done with a polite recognition of the office and authority of the chaperon on the part of the gentleman who asks the pleasure.
The gentleman returns the lady directly to the care of her mar- ried or older lady friend, as soon as the dance is finished. He may linger here to converse with her if he desire, but the rules of the best society do not permit of his doing so elsewhere. If he takes the young lady to the dining-room, it is customary for the chaperon to go with them.
A gentleman is not as free as the lady at this moment. If he accompanies a lady or party of ladies, he must first be certain that they are properly attended at this important moment, before he can . offer his services to others.
A lady cannot accept the attentions of any other gentleman in the supper-room, except the host, or some other member of his family.
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If her escort be forgetful of her requirements, she must ask a servant only for whatever she may want.
While the hostess is receiving, no person should remain beside her, excepting the members of her family who receive with her, or such friends as she has designated to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to make room for others, those who wish to show her any attention seeking her later, when she is disengaged.
Ceremonious leave-takings at balls is not necessary, unless the hostess or some member of the family is conveniently near at the moment of departure. Gentlemen who go from one ball to another on the same night, as in London, dispense entirely with the formality.
These formalities of a private ball, apply also to a public enter- tainment for dancing, and they must be followed in the latter case with even severer strictness.
Calls after a ball are made on the hostess on the first of her regu- lar reception days after receiving her hospitalities, or after having been compelled to decline the hospitality. If she have no fixed reception day, a card should be left for her within ten days after the entertain- ment.
DINNERS AND DINING OUT.
The lady who purposes giving a dinner makes a catalogue of all those whom she desires to invite to her house. From these she selects and groups those whom she thinks will be agreeable to one another from similarity of tastes, station, age or habits. Mental accomplish- ments should, and they do at the present day, enter largely into the selection.
When a dinner is given in honor of some one not famous, the choice of guests is comparatively easy, those who are not invited understanding the reason to be the lack of affiliation with the chief guest, and therefore forbearing all inquiries regarding the reason.
It is customary for those who give dinners often to have cards of
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invitation engraved, with blanks for names and dates. On an extra card, in the same envelope, should be the following form :
To meet Mr. ROBERT JUDSON, Of Cleveland.
If the dinner be very grand and formal, the guest well known, and there is little time for pre-arrangement, the honored person's name is engraved on the card of invitation, and sent out eight or ten days in advance. The reply should be immediate so that vacancies may be filled. If there is the slightest doubt about being able to be present, the invitation must be declined. If it be accepted, and an insurmountable obstacle comes in between the guest and the dinner, instant explanations must be made, as an empty chair at a feast is a depressing object, and usually leaves some lady without an escort, or some gentleman alone.
Invitations to a dinner are given in the name of both host and hostess. If it be an engraved card or note, the name of host and hostess occupies one line, extending across the card; the request follows, in smaller script, with the name of the invited person or per- sons written across in a blank space arranged by the engraver. Below this are the date and hour of the dinner.
Until very recently, the initials R. S. V. P. (Repondez, s'il vous plait) have been engraved upon all formal cards, but they are less and less frequently seen. To thus ask, or even remind, a lady or gentle- men that an invitation should be answered, is a faint reproach upon their breeding.
The only place where R. S. V. P. may be written with strict etiquette and propriety, is to an informal note which the receiver might otherwise place among the unconsidered trifles of social life, but which, for some adequate reason, the sender desires to have answered.
The word "company" is used in an invitation to dinner, but " presence" is preferred in a card that invites a guest to a wedding.
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The day of the week is written in letters, but the day of the month may be in numerals if preferred.
An engraved request sent to an acquaintance is usually in one of the following forms :
MR. AND MRS. JAMES HUNTINGTON Request the pleasure of.
Company
At Dinner on
187 , at o'clock.
No. - Freeman Avenue.
Or,
MR. AND MRS. JAMES HUNTINGTON Request the pleasure of
Company at Dinner
On At seven o'clock.
No. - Freeman Avenue.
If a note is engraved, a monogram or crest may be placed at the middle of the top of the sheet. If a card is used, it is in better form to place this device only on the envelope. Monograms and ciphers are oftener used than crests in this country.
The engraved forms of invitation to a dinner, given in honor of a noted person, reads :
MR. AND MRS. ERNEST ALLEN Request the pleasure of
Company on Tuesday, January 20th, at seven o'clock, to meet the IlON. MR. AND MRS. WOODGATE. No. - Richmond Street.
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The following form is used as a prompt response :
MR. AND MRS. WILLIAMS BENTLEY Accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Allen's invitation to dinner At seven o'clock, Tuesday evening, January 20th.
A response should express a feeling of disappointment as follows :
MR. AND MRS. WILLIAMS BENTLEY Regret that a previous engagement or illness, or some misfortune,) Prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Allen's invitation For Tuesday, January 20th.
The degree of intimacy of the acquaintance regulates, to a certain extent, the form of the reply. Regret is always presumed to be genuine.
Guests should arrive punctually from five to ten minutes before the dinner-hour, the hostess in all probability not being able to re- ceive them earlier. Later than this does not allow proper time for introductions, and the arrangement of escorts.
If the guests know one another, cards can be handed on a tray by a servant at the door. He selects the one with his own, and a lady's name, and after greeting the hostess, seeks his partner, and awaits the announcement of dinner. If the guests are unacquainted, the hostess suggests to each gentleman his partner, presents him, and tells him whether his place at table is at the right or left of the hostess.
Cards, either plain or ornamental, according to the taste or the ceremoniousness of the dinner, are laid at each lady's and gentleman's plate, with their names upon them. The menu card is usually hidden beneath it.
The dinner is announced by the chief waiter, who stands at the entrance to the drawing-room which opens toward the dining-room,
F
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and bows to the host. The latter is alert, anticipating the informa- tion. He offers his left arm to the lady-in-chief for this particular occasion. She may be the wife of the eldest gentleman, or the espe- cially honored guest, as before explained. He proceeds first, and his guests follow him to the dining-room, his wife entering last with the gentleman entitled to most consideration. Each pair find their assigned position by the card which awaits them, assisted by the in- formation previously furnished by the host in regard to the side of the table chosen for them. This is done as quietly as possible, as nothing is less elegant than a bustling manner.
When the dinner is over, the hostess bows to the lady at the right of the host, rises, and the guests rise also. The gentlemen either stand until the ladies leave, or conduct them to the door, and return. It is good form, but not incumbent to escort the ladies to the drawing room. The gentlemen smoke in the dining-room, or in an apartment provided for the purpose, not remaining long from the drawing-room.
Coffee is served at table after the dessert, or in the drawing-room half an hour later. In the latter case the hostess usually sits by the coffee-urn, and the gentlemen may carry the coffee-cups to the ladies, followed by a servant, who bears a tray, upon which are sugar, cream, and often a handsome, low cut-glass carafe of brandy.
Guests may leave after coffee, and should not in any event linger more than two hours. A person desiring to leave before the rest should inform the hostess beforehand, and then leave without formal adieux.
Etiquette requires a call on the hostess within a week after the dinner, or before, if she have a stated reception day sooner. If the reception day is not convenient, cards can be left in person (the right side or right-hand upper corner turned over), for each grown member of the family.
Gentlemen without wives, mothers or sisters to carry their cards for them, are permitted by the strictest approving etiquette to send them by post. Of course this is only done when a call in person, or by the hand of a relative, is impossible.
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A lady goes to a dinner-party in whatever is considered full toilette for that season, and the gentlemen also. Gloves are removed after being seated at the table, and need not be replaced again during the evening.
BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS AND SUPPERS.
The hour for giving a breakfast varies according to its formality from half-past nine till twelve, the latter hour being only allowable where elegance rather than sociability is studied. Macaulay said : " Dinner parties are mere formalities, but you invite a man to break- fast, because you want to see him." Both gentlemen and ladies may be guests at the breakfast table, but ladies only usually receive invita- tions to a luncheon party. The breakfast is more social and enjoyable than dinner.
Invitations to a breakfast, not too formal, are written, and need not be issued more than five days in advance of an entertainment.
The style of the note may be quite as informal as any brief but friendly letter, or it may be the lady's visiting-card which conveys the request, if this card be engraved after the customary form prevailing in Cincinnati, with the address in the right-hand lower corner, and the ordinary day for receiving callers upon the left. Below the lady's name be written :
BREAKFAST AT TEN O'CLOCK, January 12th.
If another than the usual " at home " day be preferred, an ink line may be drawn through the engraved day of the week, and the following form is written upon the card :
BREAKFAST, FRIDAY, AT TEN O'CLOCK, January 12th. .
Numerals are written upon a card, but they are not engraved, except it be the number of a residence.
This breakfast should never be elaborate, but it cannot be too dainty in its food, or in the appointments of the table. Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen and ladies, also visiting-gloves,
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which are removed at table. The descent from the dressing-room and greetings between the hostess and guest are just the same as at a dinner party.
If there are more than eight guests, cards should be placed indi- cating places. If the guests be unequal in number, ladies are informed of their lady-partners by the hostess, and they seek their assigned places as usual.
The host conducts to the table the eldest lady, or the one who, as a bride, or for any other reason, is entitled to special consideration. If there be no host, the lady of the house leads the way accompanied by the most honored guest, lady or gentleman.
The food is served from the sideboard, or upon the table in courses, according to taste or convenience, the only difference between the forms and those of a dinner being that the hostess presides over the serving of the tea, coffee and chocolate.
Guests are expected to leave half an hour after the breakfast is over.
Formal breakfasts require elaborate, but not full dress for the ladies; a morning or frock coat for gentlemen, with light-colored trousers and waistcoats, to correspond with the coat.
The general directions for descent to the dining-room, the conduct of host and guests are the same as for dinner.
The general rules regulating a breakfast apply equally well to a luncheon.
After a very formal breakfast, a call on the hostess is expected, according to rules elsewhere given. An informal breakfast requires no after-call.
Suppers are presumed to be for gentlemen only, and are served from nine to ten o'clock. The informalities of invitation are all of the same kind. The invitation may be verbal, or like this:
SUPPER AT TEN O'CLOCK. Saturday, January 20th.
If it is a fish supper, it is served with fruits, salads, and without
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a sweet dessert, with coffee, and with wines at the pleasure of the host.
A game supper is confined almost strictly to wild fowl, with wines and coffee ; but the dessert may be pastry, creams and bonbons.
A wine or champagne supper is made up of various luxuries, and differs from the dinner chiefly in the preference given to cold meats. The dessert is commonly rich and varied.
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
Strict form does not require the announcement of an engagement, but a betrothal may be made known to friends in some pleasant man- ner, either by a dinner-party at the home of the bride, or at the home of the groom, at which the immediate family of the bride must be present.
Compliments by note, gifts of flowers, and calls upon the lady follow.
During the term of betrothal little parties may be given to the engaged couple by their immediate circle of friends, at which they may appear and receive friendly congratulations. This is sufficient as an announcement of the formal engagement.
The intended bride foregoes visiting during the brief interval presumed to elapse between the engagement and the wedding, except that she leaves a card in person at the residences of all her friends, without entering, just before the day of the ceremony. This last call is one not to be omitted.
The wedding-cards are sent out at least ten days before the cere- mony is to take place. Invitations to remote places must be forwarded sooner.
The invitations to the marriage-ceremony are in the name of the bride's father and mother, or of one alone if only one be living. If the bride stands in the relationship of ward, niece, grand-daughter, cousin or simply friend, to the persons or person issuing the invitation, the fact is noted in the formula in the place of the word "daughter."
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Accompanying the engraved note is a card of invitation to the reception, for such persons as are entitled to be bidden to partake of the festivities of the occasion.
Where the ceremony is in a church, tickets of admission may be used if it is deemed necessary, one or more of them being inclosed in the envelope with the ceremonial invitation for distribution to personal friends of the invited. It is well, however, if possible, to confine the ticket distribution to immediate personal friends.
Invitations to weddings are now engraved on one sheet of paper, the separate cards of bride or groom being seldom used. The engra- ving is in plain script. The paper is thick, fine, and shaped so as to fold once. The cipher, monogram or crest should be at the middle of the top of the page, and not printed in color. It is now thought to be in better style to put the device on the envelope, instead of on the note. The following is a suitable formula :*
MR. AND MRS. CHARLES REMINGTON Request your presence At the marriage of their daughter, MISS MARIA LOUISA, to MR. WILLIAM HENRY JAMESON, On Tuesday morning, September tenth, 1878, at eleven o'clock. Christ Church, Cincinnati.
The word "presence" is considered preferable to "company."
Another card is inclosed for more familiar friends. The following is good form for the invitation to the reception :
MR. AND MRS. CHARLES SOUTHGATE, At Home, Tuesday Morning, September 10th, from half past eleven until four o'clock, No. - Broadway.
"Samples of Wedding and Visiting C'ards in all the approved styles may be examined at the ARCADE BOOKSTORE, NO. 179 Vine street.
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The admission card is narrow, long, and neatly and plainly en- graved in script :
CHRIST CHURCH. Ceremony at eleven o'clock.
The portion of the ceremony not absolutely fixed by the church, may be tastefully varied by the parties interested. For an elaborate wedding, rehearsals are desirable.
The master of ceremonies should be early present to see that the awning and carpet are not disturbed by idlers. He sees that the white ribbon is passed across the main aisle at a sufficient distance from the altar to accommodate the invited guests.
The following modern ceremonial is considered good in Cincin- nati: The bridemaids and an equal number of ushers are chosen from among the friends of both families. The ushers wait inside the church door, give their arms to the ladies as they arrive, and escort them to their seats. . The gentlemen who attend the ladies follow.
When the bridal party has arranged itself for entrance, the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up to the altar and turn to the right, keeping step to the organ music. After a very slight interval the bridemaids follow in pairs and turn to the left.
Another very brief interval of waiting, and the bride, escorted by her father, and entirely veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her companions. The groom comes forward from the vestry-room to meet her, takes her hand, and places her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The parents stand just behind her, and slightly at the left. The service by the clergyman proceeds as usual. All churches, at present, use the ring, and vary the sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs and ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring has been for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal; but, among people with German tastes, a plain gold circlet, with the date of the engagement inscribed within, is preferred. This can be passed by the groom to the clergyman, and used as a wedding-ring, a jeweled ring being placed on the finger of the bride soon after the service. The jewel should be perfect, even if small.
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The bridal veil is rarely raised in church, and kissing in the pub- lic place is obsolete.
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