USA > Ohio > Lucas County > Toledo > Hubbell's Toledo blue book: a family and social directory of Toledo and vicinity 1901/1902 > Part 17
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ETIQUETTE NOTES.
And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older world. We must fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our fortune, and to our daily lives.
Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as between two women we cannot, therefore, pre- sume to decide where so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions as expressed by the customs of New York society.
When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and desirable acquaintance, should have been properly intro- duced, should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first ; but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to call.
First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation came through a friend or not, she should imme- diately leave cards and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of good breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not, as she pleases. In New York, Boston and Philadelphia and in the larger cities of the West, residents call first upon newcomers, but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the newcomer calls first upon the resident. Everyone-offi- cials of the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient that it is a thousand pities it does not go into oper- ation all over the country, particularly in those large cities where the resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless informed in some such way of the fact.283
ETIQUETTE NOTES.
This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a person should "call first."
Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must she call in person ?
After a dinner party a guest must call in person and inquire if the hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is ยท allowed, in New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her card. In sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be sent by a servant, with a kindly message. No first visit should, however, be returned by card only ; this would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation. A lady may be considered to have done her duty, if she in turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is not herself able to call.
Bachelors should leave cards on the Master and Mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young ladies. A gentle- man does not turn down the corners of his card-indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person.
It is rare now to see the names of both husband and wife engraved on one card. The lady has also her own card, "Mrs. Charles Smith," or with the addition, "The Misses Brown." Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save military, naval or judicial ones ; and, indeed, many of our most distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name, without prefix or affix. But a woman must always use the prefix "Mrs." or "Miss." A gentleman may or may not use the prefix "Mr.," as he pleases.
A married lady always bears her husband's name, during his life, on her card. Some discussion is now going on as to
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whether she should continue to call herself "Mrs. Octavious Brown" or "Mrs. Mary Brown " after his death. The burden of opinion is in favor of the latter-particularly as a son may bear his father's name, so there will be two Mrs. Octavious Browns. No lady wishes to be known as " old Mrs. Octavious Brown," and as we do not use the convenient title of Dowager, we may as well take the alternative of the Christian name. We cannot say " Mrs Octavious Brown, Jr.," if the husband has ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate to discard the name by which they have always been known. Perhaps the simple "Mrs. Brown " is the best after all.
Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the visiting cards. To teas, readings, and small parties may be added the day of reception. It is convenient and proper to send these cards by post. Everything can be sent by post now, except an invitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by private hand, and an answer must be immediately returned in the same formal manner.
After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden parties, or "at homes," cards should be left by all invited guests within a week after the invitation, particularly if the invited guests has been obliged to decline. These cards may be left without inquiring for the hostess, if time pressed; but it is more polite to inquire for the hostess, even if it is not her day. If it is her reception day, it would be rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal visit. After a dinner one must in- quire for the hostess and pay a personal visit. It is not con- sidered necessary to leave cards after a tea. A lady leaves her cards as she enters the hall, pays a visit, and the etiquette of a visiting acquaintance is thus established for a year. She should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her entertainers, or she should call herself.
It is well for all housekeepers to devote one day in the week to the reception of visitors-the morning to tradespeople and those who may wish to see her on business, and the after- noon to those who call socially. A mistress should inform her
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servant after breakfast what he is to say to all comers. It is very offensive to a visitor to be let in, and then be told that she can not see the lady of the house. She feels personally insulted, and as if, had she been some other person, the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her. In calling on a friend who is staying with people with whom you are not acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. It is never proper to call on a guest without asking for the hostess.
Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, and the visitor decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar to make one's friend who may be a guest in the house a- sort of entering wedge for an acquaintance ; a card should be left, but unac- companied by any request to see the lady of the house. If the lady of the house is in the drawing room when the visitor arrives to call on her guest, she is of course, introduced, and says a few words ; and if she is not in the room, the guest should inquire of the visitor if the lady of the house will see him or her, thus giving her a chance to accept or decline.
A bride receives her callers after she has settled down in her married home just as any lady does. There is no particu- lar etiquette observed. She sends out cards for two or three reception days, and her friends and new acquaintances call or send cards on these days. She must not, however, call on her friends until they have called upon her. As many of these callers-friends, perhaps of the bridegroom-are unknown to the bride, it is well to have a servant announce the names; and they should also leave their cards in the hall that she may be able to know when to return the visits. One does right in leaving a card on the hall table at a reception and one need not call again. An invitation to one's house cancels all indebted- ness.
When a gentleman calls on ladies who are at home, if he knows them well he does not send up a card. One card is sufficient, but he can inquire for them all. In leaving cards it is not necessary to leave seven or eight, but it is customary to
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leave two, one for the lady of the house, and the other for the rest of the family or the stranger who is within their gates.
MRS. JOHN SHERWOOD.
OBLIGATORY CALLS.
It is not only a civilty, but a social necessity. When one has served as a bridesmaid, maid of honor, usher, or best man, to call upon the bride's mother shortly after the wedding, and upon the bride directly after she returns from her honeymoon. The guests at a home wedding, wedding reception or breakfast must call in due course on the mother of the bride and later on the bride. When a man has served as a pall-bearer, he is re- quired to call on the bereaved family within ten days or three weeks after the funeral, though this call is rarely more than the leaving of a card, along with a kindly inquiry.
ON INVALID'S CALLS.
A member of society who is ill through the season may return the calls of her friends by proxy. A sister or a daugh- ter may be delegated to fulfill this duty. A daughter would call on all of her mother's friends, introducing herself to ma- trons whose acquaintance sbe has not made before and briefly explaining in whose stead she appears.
PERPLEXING POINTS IN CALLING.
Only by persons who are removing to a new place of residence or departing for an absence that is to endure for a year or more are calls paid to bid farewell; and then usually only one's nearest and most intimate friends are so honored. Ordinarily one going on a journey merely leaves for, or posts to, her or his visiting acquaintances P. P. C. cards. When a woman receives a call from one of her own sex whose friend- ship she does not care to cultivate, etiquette demands a very prompt leaving of cards in return, or a return of the call within
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three days ; and thereafter cards can be left at long intervals until the connection is dropped by common consent.
It not infrequently happens that a lady on driving to a house to call, finds her friend's carriage at the door, but she should still proceed with her call, and not beat a retreat, post- poning the call until another day. She will doubtless, be in- formed that her friend is at home, but is going out driving at once; in that case cards should be left as if not at home had been the reply. On the other hand it often happens that a lady on calling bent meets out driving the friend towards whose house she is going. When this is so the intended call should not be paid.
When a member of society announces the presence of a woman guest in her house, it is required of her friends, both men and women, to call as promptly as possible upon the guest and before offering her any hospitalities ; but it is never per- mitted to call upon a visitor in a family with which the caller is at enmity.
WOMAN'S BUSINESS CALLS.
A woman never calls upon a man socially. A business errand is the only occasion for a call from a women to a man ; and in such a case the lady, if possible, sees the person at his office, and during his office hours. Whether she calls by appointment or otherwise, she sends in her name, but not her visiting card, and makes her errand as briefly as possible.
CALLS OF INQUIRY.
A call to inquire is nothing more than a form of card leav- ing. A sympathetic message, perhaps a bouquet of flowers, and the visitor's card are left with the servant at the door of a house where, for example, there is illness ; or where a great financial loss, or an injury by fire, has been sustained, or even where disgrace has fallen on innocent persons. Such calls, in these and similar misfortunes, are very necessary, and indicate sincere sympathy and a desire to show a continuance of friendly feeling ; and they are as obligatory on men as on women.
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DUTIES OF THE HOSTESS ON AN AFTERNOON AT HOME.
The first duty of the hostess is to rise and step forward and shake hands with everyone who enters her reception room. When two guests arrive simultaneously, or one almost directly after the other, she devotes her conversation to them equally until some one else enters to claim her attention. She should remain throughout the afternoon in sight of the door ; not standing, as at a reception; but always ready to go quickly forward and extend her greeting. General introductions are made by the hostess on her day at home, unless her rooms are very full and many callers have strayed from her immediate vicinity. Ordinarily, not more than half a dozen guests are at once in the drawing-room, and as these are apt to remain seated near the hostess, she easily introduces any new-comer who requires introduction. Should a caller fail to fall easily into the general current of conversation, it is her duty, either by talking to this visitor directly, or by some indirect word of encouragement, suggestion, or diversion, to relieve the situ- ation.
BIDDING GUESTS ADIEU.
As a rule, the lady who receives does not accompany any guest so far even as to her drawing-room door, at least as long as other callers remain and when she is receiving alone (a butler, maid, or page boy stands ready to answer the door-bell and open the street door.) The rule may be disregarded when a visitor very distinguished, or one who is infirm, rises to go ; but under ordinary circumstances, the hostess, mindful of the guests who remain, simply rises when one is about to depart, and cordially giving her hand, says : Good afternoon, Mrs. or . Miss Blank. She continues to stand a moment until the caller, especially if a women, turns to pass out of the room, when, however, no other callers are present, and the one departing is a woman and a good friend, the hostess is privileged to accom- pany her even to the street door, if she wishes to do so. But
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at no time during an afternoon at home, when there are several persons in the drawing-room, has the hostess the right to devote any exclusive attention to any one friend, and especially to draw a visitor aside and conversing in an undertone or whisper, discuss personal or private affairs.
SERVING TEA.
Though not actually obligatory, it is the custom to serve slight refreshment on the day at home, and tea is the accepted refection, in place of cake and wine. The tea is either poured at a small table in the drawing-room presided over by the hos- tess, daughter or a friend, or else it is brought in and handed about by a maid. Freshly made cup of tea, or in winter, small cups of hot chocolate with light fancy cake, sandwiches, and bonbons are all it is necessary to provide.
'A hostess does not offer to relieve a man caller of hat or stick when he prefers to carry them into the drawing-room (which by the way they ought never to do.) To a woman she is privileged to suggest, if the rooms are warm, that her coat be opened or a heavy fur thrown off.
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TREATMENT OF CHANCE VISITORS.
If it is inconvenient or impossible to receive a chance vis- itor the servant may be directed to answer at the door any re- quests to see her mistress with the statement that she is not at home. The phrase not at home implies that the lady called upon is not at home to callers, whether her actual absence from the house, or some more important occupation than that of receiv- ing, prevents her appearance.
THE HOST ON THE DAY AT HOME.
Though the average man professes to be too shy or too busy to appear in his wife's drawing-room on her days at home, there is no reason why he should not do so. If a son, brother,
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or husband chooses, he may give graceful and gratefully re- ceived assistance on the day at home; whether he comes in only late from his office or elects to spend the entire afternoon there. His duty in such case is in a measure to share the honors and obligations of the occasion. He can expect his wife, sister or mother, as the case may be, to introduce to him any of the visitors whom he does not know ; he should assist in entertaining the guests, pass the cups, make introductions himself, and when a guest rises to leave, he should rise too, and offer his hand in farewell. As a rule, the host accompan- ies the departing guest as far as the door, and the last guests, especially if they are women, as far as the street door, opening it for them himself. On the ceremonious day at home women callers do not kiss in greeting, nor do they remove their gloves when taking tea. If any refreshments offered cannot be handled without unpleasant consequences to the gloves, such refreshments may be unobtrusively avoided.
TAKING LEAVE OF THE HOSTESS.
On rising to depart, a caller must take pains to formally bid adieu to the lady who is receiving. No well bred man or woman attempts to back out of a drawing-room. With a bow and a civil good afternoon to the guests near the hostess he turns and walks straight away. It is the duty of a man, when call- ing, to relieve women of their empty tea cups and to carry refreshments to those at a distance from the tea table. He must rise from his chair when a woman caller enters, when his hostess leaves her seat, when a woman caller rises to make her adieu, and of course, when any one is introduced to him. When he rises, he stands beside or behind-not before-his chair, and he continues to stand as long as the lady on whose account he has risen is herself standing.
DIVORCED WOMAN'S CARD.
A woman who is divorced erases at once from her card the christian name of the man who was her husband. If she retains
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the use of his surname, she joins with it either her own christian or her own surname, as she prefers. When after a legal annullment of her marriage a woman resumes her full maiden name, she prefixes to it on her cards the title Mrs. not Miss.
EMILY HOLT.
ON INTRODUCING PEOPLE.
A lady in her own house can in these United States do pretty much as she pleases, but there is one thing in which our cultivated and exclusive city fashionable society seems agreed, and that is, that she must not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. It is an awkward and an embarrassing restriction, particularly as the other rule, which renders it easy enough-the English rule-that the "roof is an introduction," and that visitors can converse without further notice, is not understood. So awkward, however, are Americans about this, that even in very good houses one lady has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl, and has received no answer, "because she had not been introduced." Let every woman remember, whether she is from the backwoods, or from the most fashion- able city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt her. It does not involve the further acquaintance of these two per- sons. They may cease to know each other when they go down the front steps ; and it would be more kind if they would relieve the lady of the house of their joint entertainment by joining in the conversation, or even speaking to each other.
MRS. JOHN SHERWOOD.
RISING TO RECEIVE AN INTRODUCTION.
A hostess invariably rises to accept an introduction to either a man or woman. A woman, while a guest at a ball, dinner, or afternoon tea, does not rise when a man is presented to her, nor when she is one of a group to which a woman is intro- duced, unless it is one who is somewhat older than herself or a person of distinction, or unless she is seated beside her hostess,
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who, naturally, rises to greet a new-comer. In all other cir- cumstances, a woman rises to receive an introduction to one of her own sex. It is scarcely necessary to say that a man always stands when any introduction takes place in which he has part, whether the person to whom he is made known is man or woman, old or young.
INTRODUCTIONS AT A DINNER PARTY.
The obligation of a hostess is to introduce all of her guests to each other at a small dinner party. At a large dining she must be sure to introduce those persons who are to go in together to table ; she must not however, introduce persons at the table, and she should not obviously incommode herself to make introductions. After dinner, when the women collect in the drawing room, she can gracefully contrive to make known to each other those who have not previously met. As the men come in, after their cigars, she may present thein to the ladies whom they did not meet before the meal. When en- tertaining a guest of honor or a distinguished person, it is well to present the special guest to every other one sometime in the course of the evening. A hostess is not entitled, however, to interrupt a conversation in order to make introductions or to thrust an introduction upon a guest who is in the act of departing.
On her day at home, a lady receiving, introduces every new comer to the guests who are near at hand. At a reception, she presents her guests as they arrive to whoever stands beside her to assist in receiving, but only under exceptional conditions does she leave her place to make guests known to each other.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
It is scarcely polite or politic to ask for a letter of intro- duction ; a well-bred person of fine sensibilities will leave such a kindness entirely to the impulses of the friend who, it may
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be, is able, but for a variety of good reasons unwilling to give it. A letter of introduction should never be drawn, so to speak, on any but relatives or friends who, its author is fully confi- dent, will be amiable and inclined to honor it to its full value. And on the other hand, such a letter should never be given to any one whom the author is not ready to cordially vouch for and recommend. There are weak, good natured people who, when boldly solicited by some tactless person for a card of in- troduction, dare not refuse to give it, and so are driven into the subterfuge of writing ahead to warn the person to whom the card is addressed to beware of its bearer. Ample excuses may be readily and truthfully given for refusing to accede to the request for a letter of introduction without wounding the pride of the person requesting it. When introducing a friend to a friend through the agency of a letter, it is always safest and best to write privately, in advance of the presentation of the letter, giving the person to whom it is addressed some notice of its coming, and also more intimately outlining the character, tastes and social position of its bearer than could possibly be done in the letter itself. This is especially wise when, for in- stance, the bearer of the letter is in mourning, or is in need of some special assistance, or is the victim of some peculiar prejudices or unhappy circumstances. Letters of introduction usually are in the form of brief notes or consist of a word or two written on a visiting card. There is somewhat more deli- cate compliment implied in a few carefully worded' sentences on a note sheet than on a visiting card alone. A note of intro- duction does not gracefully cover more than a page and a half of medium sized note paper, and should be confined strictly to to the one office of naming and presenting the person in whose behalf it is written. In such a note news of domestic happen- ings and references to the health of the writer's family or the family of the person to whom the note is written are not in good taste.
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MODELS FOR NOTES AND CARDS OF INTRODUCTION.
BALTIMORE, June 3rd, 19- My dear Mrs. Goodyear :
It gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce to you my friend, Miss Wylie, of Boston, who will be stopping for a month with her mother, at the Cliff Hotel, in your gay seaside town. I feel that I am conferring a benefit on you both in making you known to one another, and any kindness you may show these agreeable ladies will be as deeply appreciated by me as by them. Sincerely yours,
MAY V. BOLTON.
A card of introduction is merely the giver's visiting card with the name of the person whom it is to introduce written above the engraved name of the giver of the card-thus :
Introducing Miss Helen Rollins Mrs. Henry B. Mathews, 40 West Tenth Street.
A card so prepared should be placed in a card envelope, but left unsealed, and addressed to the person to whom the introduction is to be made; and it is well to inscribe in the lower. left hand corner of the envelope also, introducing Miss Helen Rollins.
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HOW TO PRESENT A NOTE OF INTRODUCTION.
It is rather difficult to present in person a note or card of introduction, though men occasionally prefer to do so. It is done in this wise : In the afternoon or evening a call is made at the house of the person to whom the introduction is addressed, and the card or note, in its unsealed envelope, along with the bearer's own visiting card, is offered to the ser- vant at the door. If the person for whom the card is intended is not at home seal the envelope with card and address and leave it with the servant. For a woman, however, the invari- able custom is to stamp the envelope containing the introduc- tory note or card, slip into it a card giving her name and ad- dress, and trust it to the post for safe delivery.
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