USA > Ohio > Hamilton County > Cincinnati > The old court house : reminiscences and anecdotes of the courts and bar of Cincinnati > Part 14
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Falstaff on horseback, and he was the necessary cynosure of every eye, and the attractive observed of all observers. I saw him on one occasion, at the head of his army ; he was mounted on his dapple-grey, and was training the soldiery. He gave a word of command, and the regi- ment advanced forward, and the front line so encroached upon him and his horse, that he was wholly unable to cavort about as usual, and in the distressing and desper- ate emergency, he thundered out: " Halt, battalion !" and they halted close upon him and his dapple-grey stallion, and then, he thundered out another unique com- mand : " Attention, battalion !- being too far forward- advance backwards!" and they did so.
In his official capacity as coroner, though always fussy if not feathery, he was quite efficient in finding out the mysterious dead and holding the "crowner's quest" over the "whoreson dead bodies." I was present one day when he was called upon to hold an inquest over a dead body. There was suspicion of poisoning, and the jury being summoned and testimony taken, which ren- dered the cause of death exceedingly doubtful, the old coroner let himself off as follows to the six jurors : "Gentlemen of the jury, there be suspicioning of pizen in this 'ere case, and, to be sure on it, I shall order and command a post mortar examination by the doctors," and he adjourned the case until after he had procured a post mortem investigation by the physicians. Old Coro- ner General Hales, in every doubtful case, would always insist upon a " post mortar," and always had it his own way, without, however, summoning the hod carriers ! He was the post mortar coroner !
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THE BASTARDY CASE AND THE BABY.
In one of those quasi criminal trials, as the lawyers say, to find out the true paternity of a baby, occurring in the Court of Common Pleas, in days of yore, there was considerable contradictory evidence ; so much so, that the lawyers and the jury were troubled, and the court was very much troubled as to what was the conclusive truth of the matter before the court. The evidence for the girl- plaintiff was strong, and the evidence for the young-man- defendant was equally strong, and it would have required the wisdom of a Solomon to have solved the knotty and naughty affair-not to divide the baby to find out who was the mother, but to decide for the baby and mother, who was the father. The baby was not in court. The mother had not brought it into court, as she ought, by all means, to have done. The court, or rather the judge of the court, got an idea, at last, and looked all around for the baby, but there was no baby to be seen. " Where is the baby?" interrogated the court.
Lawyer for the plaintiff-" It is not here."
Court-" Have it brought, at once, into the court room."
The lawyer immediately sent his female client, the mother, away for the baby, and after a considerable lapse of time, the mother appeared again with the baby in her arms.
"Let the court inspect that baby," said the judge, and the mother came forward and lifted up the baby before the eyes of the court. "I am now satisfied," said the judge, and added, " show that baby to every man on the jury, and let each one of the jury inspect the face of the baby, Likeness in physiognomy goes a great ways."
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The lawyer for the plaintiff, fairly jumping in glee, took the baby from the arms of its mother, and holding it up to view, showed its face to every one of the jurors, and every one of the jurors, by his looks and in his looks, appeared satisfied.
"Now proceed in argument to the jury," said the court, and the lawyers did argue and got through, and the court charged the jury about thus: "Gentlemen of the : jury, the oral evidence of the witnesses in this case is very contradictory, and so evenly divided that it would be hard to decide upon their conflicting evidence. But blood will tell, gentlemen, and you have seen the face of the baby, and that face is the exact likeness of the defend- ant's face now on trial ; but above all, gentlemen, that aquiline nose of the baby is the perfect image of the aquiline nose of the father-defendant, and that red spot, or wart, on the end of the nose of the baby, surely was begotten by that red spot or wart on the end of the nose of the defendant. Take the case, gentlemen, and make up your verdict." The jury, of course, in making up their minds, did not leave the jury-box, but, viva voce, voted a verdict of guilty. And the young mother and the young baby were vindicated, and the young man was truly indicated as the father of the child, and was con- demned to pay the mother five hundred dollars for the baby's support and maintenance. Hoyle says, as we all know, "when in doubt, take the trick." The court, in this case, emphatically said, "when in doubt, bring, or take the baby," and this decided the case, and was the judgment, if not of a Solomon, certainly not of a slow man, -- perhaps, though, of a Solo-man.
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THE OLD COURT OF COMMON PLEAS AND CUTE, CUNNING, COLORED, AND COLLARED WILEY EDWARDS.
Our city used to be called Porkopolis, and the name yet clings to it like the scent of the rose, or pigsty, though we do not now deserve the appellation so much as we used to. In days agone, pork-packing establishments were very, very numerous, and pork-packers were our rich, if not our wise men, and hogs and pigs were held in such posi- tive reverence, that they were permitted to go about the streets like other citizens, and indulge in their inalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, in their own happy, hoggish and piggish method and man- ner. The grunts of the hogs were as common as grum- blings of citizens, and the squeal of the pigs was as gen- eral as the hallooing and loud and reckless calls and cries of the boys in the streets. Then we were indeed Porkopolis! But, whether for the better or the worse, it is not so now. The once familiar hogs and the pigs, who could many tales unfold, have quite disappeared from the commons, the wharves, the alleys and the streets, and none are now so poor as to do them reverence. My old schoolmaster used to say of the hogs, that they were the most privileged class of gentlemen in the streets of our city, for they came and went as they pleased, and left their cards in their visiting places, just as they desired. Well, in those hog days-or the days of hogs about the the streets, they had owners about town, of course, who, enjoying their otium cum dignitate at home, were fain to let their hogs and pigs grow fat and sleek in feeding on the garbage of the streets, for corn cost a good deal, and these daily free lunches for the hogs and the pigs were not at all expensive to the owners. Indeed, they cost
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nothing, and all the owners had to do was to mark the ears or the bodies of their hogs and pigs with their private brand, or cut or cuts, and let them go loose to seek their own fortune, and laugh or grunt and grow fat in time to be turned into good, sound, healthy and round, fåt pork.
A good many of the owners of these "ere hogs," were of the colored persuasion, who resided for the most part in and about the purlieus and precincts of beautiful and odorous Bucktown of those days; and among the most curious, eccentric, and eminent of those owners was one yellow-faced, iron-gray-woolly-haired and comical- looking colored gentleman, yclept and known, far and wide, as " Wiley Edwards," and he was most appropri- ately and properly named, for if ever there was a low, cunning nigger, Wiley Edwards was significantly, em- phatically, and preeminently the veritable chap. Wiley had his own highways and low-ways and sideways and by- ways, and complex and intricate ways, and all sorts of ways for his hogs and pigs and himself; and his hogs and his pigs, in quantity, were by far more numerous than those of any other gentleman of color, or otherwise. At least, this was so with the quantity of hogs and pigs in the streets of the city that had on them Wiley's private ear-mark, for totally unscrupulous as he was, in owner- ship, and always prepared with a pocket-knife in his pocket, day time or night time, he would catch every stray hog he would see in the street, and whack out of the hog's left ear, his (Wiley Edward's) private ear-mark. Thus he had immense possessions in hogs and pigs, and he, himself, certainly was the biggest hog of them all. But Wiley's title to ownership used to be very often ques- tioned, and frequently he was arrested for stealing hogs or pigs, or both, and frequently he was tried and convicted
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and sent to the chain-gang for months. But this he did not seem to mind a bit ; so he kept out of the penitentiary he was all right ; and in order to keep himself out of the penitentiary, when he was going to steal one or more hogs he would finely and sharply and adroitly consider and calculate, and engage in the practice of arithmetic in his way, so as to be sure that the value to be assessed upon his stealings would not amount to more than thirty-five dollars ; for up to the extent of thirty-five dollars, stealing was petit larceny, and a few months on the chain-gang ; while over thirty-five dollars' stealing involved, and in- curred a sentence to the penitentiary, which, of all things in this life, Wiley would, and did most wiley evade and avoid.
But he was continually and continuously guilty of most numerous instances of petit larceny -stealing one, two or three hogs belonging to some other person, of the. value of something under the aforesaid thirty-five dollars. Almost every term of court there was an indictment re- ported by the grand jury against Wiley for stealing hogs, and,he would be arrested on a capias ad respondendum, and he would be sure to get bail, and he would not forfeit his bail on the day set for trial, for he would be sure to be- there, stand his trial, be acquitted or convicted, no matter which, and take the consequences. On one occasion, some joking, practically-joking lawyer, (for there were some such in those days,) persuaded Wiley Edwards that, as he was up so often before the court on account of his. leg-itimate hog business, it would be a good and blessed thing for him to get, and keep in the good favor and graces. of the judges of the court, and for that purpose he might present each of the judges a good piece of fresh pork at the home of each, and as he was going to be tried pretty
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soon for stealing a large, fat, nice hog, he ought to pre- pare the pork of that, and present each judge with a piece. Wiley snapped at the suggestion, and killed his stolen hog that night, and prepared the pork therefrom, and cut it exactly into four pieces, one for each of the four judges-the presiding judge and the three associates. Two of the judges-Caldwell and Wiseman-lived in the city, and one early morning, a large, fat quarter of fresh pork was found on each of their porticos, just before the front door. Of course they were taken in by the servants, and regarded as some deodand. They were timely cooked, and eaten. The other two judges, Saffin and Moore, resided in the country, in Greene township, and one morning quite early, while Judge Saffin was prepar- ing his horse and buggy for his departure to town and the court house, whom should he espy, coming up the great pathway of his garden to his front door step, but the veritable darkey, Wiley Edwards, tugging over his right shoulder a large fore-quarter of fresh pork, and he exclaimed, in some trepidation, "Hello, you thieving darkey, what are you doing here?"
Wiley-"Oh, nuffin, your 'onah. I's jis' comed on purpose to fotch you a nice piece of dat ar hog wat dey say I stole. I jis' leff de odder foah quarter ober to his 'onah Judge Moore, and me bring dis yer for you. It be fresh and nice."
Fudge Saffin-" You thieving rascal, what do you mean? Did judge Moore receive your pork ?"
Wiley-"Oh, he wasn't up out of him bed, and I jis' leff him at de front doah of his mansion wid a ticket on it, wid my name and 'spects."
Fudge Saffin (angrily)-"The devil you did. Get out you black rascal, or I'll have you arrested immediately, and sent to jail."
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Wiley-" Don't go for to go and get mad, your 'onah. I didn't done steal dis yer pork. De hog was my own, and I fotch you dis piece to prove it-to prove my in'cence."
Then the judge's anger could no longer hold in or hold out, but he burst out into a most boisterous, angry laugh, at the utter ridiculousness and ludicrousness of the situation, and amidst his laughter, he said :
" What have you done with the whole hog?" Wiley-" Oh, yer 'onah. I gib each one ob de 'onnable judges a quartah."
Fudge Saffin-" What ! !! "
Wiley-" I gib each one a piece."
fudge Saffin-" Did they take them?"
Wiley -- " Well, I don't know, boss, I done leff dem at dar doahs any cum how. I 'spec dey done did."
Fudge Saffin-(In another burst of hilarious laugh- ter.) "You did, did you?"
Wiley-" Yes, yer 'onah ; I done done it."
fudge Saffin-" Well, this is a capital joke. You wish to bribe the judges of the court, do you ?"
Wiley-" Pon my 'onah, no, boss, I jes want to prove dat I'se not guilty of stealing dis yer hog. It was my own, and had on its left ear my private mark. Dat's so, shuah."
Fudge Saffin-" Who put it there ?"
Wiley-" I done did my own seff."
fudge Saffin-" What mark was there on the hog before you put yours on it?"
Wiley-". Now. for the Lord's bressed sake, de hog was no done marked at all afore. I raised de hog from de little bit of a pig."
fudge Saffin-" You are lying now; but get about
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your business right away with your pork, or I will have you taken up right off for bribing the judges of the court."
Wilcy-" Won't you done hab de nice pork, den?"
Fudge Saffin-" No ; get about your business ; leave here immediately, and take your pork with you. Don't say another word-go !- begone !"
And so Wiley, somewhat scared, shouldering again his fore-quarter of pork, retraced his steps, and out of the gate into the road leading to the city, trudged his weary way six miles back to town, reflecting all the while on the curious instability of all earthly affairs, without a doubt. He was afterward tried for stealing the hog, and of course was found guilty-all the judges but Judge Saffin having partaken of the stolen pork, and being, in fact, unconscious receivers of the stolen property. This was a great joke upon the judges. Of course, through facetious and fun-loving Judge Saffin, it was noised in the bar and outside, everywhere, and remained for some time a capital standing joke on the judges-how they received and actually ate the stolen pork, for stealing which, the darkey, Wiley Edwards, was sent to the chain- gang.
THE WITNESS' FUNNY NOTION OF RESPECTABILITY.
There was on trial for perjury, a young man, who had sworn falsely but not wilfully so, as appeared at last by the testimony, to an affidavit before the marriage license clerk of the probate department of the old Court of Common Pleas. He was anxious to get married it seemed, to a young Miss Brown, who was under eighteen years of age, and therefore a minor, and could not get legally married without the certified consent of her father
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who was her surviving parent, but this consent could not be obtained. So an elopement from parental roof was planned, and the young man duly appeared before the marriage license clerk, and not having the father's con- sent with him, he made oath, and signed affidavit, that his affianced, Miss Brown, was eighteen years of age and over, and that he had her consent, which latter was true, and the young couple eloped and were married by a clergyman, in due form, and went living together as man and wife. The young man, when questioned by the license clerk as to the age of the young lady, thought, though he had not the father's consent with him, that it would never do to give it up so Miss Brown, or, Mister Brown, and he "swored" to eighteen years of age, because the young, fair lady had told him that was her age, as it afterwards appeared by her own testimony on the trial for perjury, and he was rightfully acquitted of wilful perjury, "accordin' to the statoots !"
The Reverend Sammy, or "Thammy" Brown, as he used to call himself, well known as a lisping old pio- neer of our city, was enraged at the marriage. He was a rich, overbearing old man, and the young man who had eloped with and married his daughter was a poor me- chanic, and the old man, "Reverend " as he was, despised poor men, and particularly mechanics. As a matter of mere vindictiveness and revenge, therefore, he prosecuted and persecuted the young man, now his son-in-law, for perjury, for swearing falsely to his daughter's age, who, the "cruel parient" alleged in his testimony on the trial, was but "thweet thixthteen,"-and then followed this ex- amination of the parent witness :
Lawyer-" How old did you say your daughter is, Mr. Brown?"
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Brown-"Jutht thweet thixthteen."
Lawyer-" Why, she looks older than that, Mister Brown. She looks like a fully ripened woman-fully matured."
Brown-" Tho the doth-like her thweet mother be- fore her, who, when I married her jutht at thweet thixth- teen, wath jutht like her-bleth her memory !"
The reverend witness was getting pathetic, and, the lawyer perceiving it, turned the course of the examination.
Lawyer-" But, Mister Brown, I understand that you approved of this young man's visits to your daughter?"
Brown-" Yeth, I did at firtht, becauth I thought he wath tho nithe and tho rethpectable !"
Lawyer-"What made you think that the young man was so respectable, Mr. Brown?"
Brown-" Well, thir, becauth every time he made hith appearanth at my houth, he carried a handthome, thin cane, and he wore kid-thkin gloveth, and, of courthe, I thought he belonged to the arithtocrathy and wath very rethpectable-very rethpectable !"
Lawyer-"Then, Mr. Brown, your idea of respec- tability consists in a thin cane and kid gloves?"
Brown-" Yeth, that ith the main idea. I thought the young man wath quite rethpectable, of courthe; he courted my daughter with a nithe cane and lavender kid gloveth-but he turned out to be a poor mechanic after all."
Lawyer-"That will do, Mr. Brown ; you can leave the witness stand.
Of course, there was a verdict for the defendant.
14
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THE STORY OF THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY AND THE "OUTSIDER."
In the days of the old court house, I, as prosecuting attorney, once had a curious experience. It was before the time that the county commissioners provided the State's attorney with an office and office sanctuary for the deposit and safe-keeping of articles procured from criminals, which were necessary for evidence in the trials of their cases. I then had my public office the same as my private lawyer's office, on Fifth street, oppo- site the Dennison House, and I, of course, kept all such articles as safely as I could. The crime of burglary, breaking into dwellings, stores, and houses of all kinds, for the purpose of stealing, used to be, as it is now, one of frequent occurrence, and burglars had many and various ways of getting into houses, chief among which was opening front doors with what was called an "outsider," in the parlance of the burglars. This was an instrument made with a long handle, and at the end tubular pincers were so arranged that they could be put into any key- hole, and made to grasp the end of the key placed in the inside of the lock, and then, with the outsider so grasp- ing the key, the key could be readily turned and made to unlock the door, and permit the ingress of the burglar. These instruments had to be made by skilled artisans, and with great care, and they were very valuable among criminals, a good one costing as much as fifty dollars, sometimes. Many front doors of houses in this city used to be opened with these curious instruments, and success- ful burglaries committed, and the owners of the houses, knowing that their houses were all locked up, used to be astounded as to how the burglars managed to get into
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their houses. The police of the city made me, as the State's lawyer, acquainted with these "outsiders," and I was very anxious to procure one, for the purpose of ex- hibiting it to the jurors in burglary cases, to show them in what manner, and how easily, a door could be unlocked and opened with one of them, when the key was in the lock.
At last, as I thought my good fortune would have it, a splendid outsider came into the possession of City Mar- shall Ebenezer Hulse, and he told me to come to the marshal's office, in the old church building on Sixth street, near Walnut, and he would give it to me. I accordingly went to his office and he gave me a beautifully and skil- fully made outsider, that would unlock any door with the key in the lock. At the time I got it of the marshal, there were two or three police officers present in the mar- shal's office, with whom I was acquainted, but nobody else, as I observed. I took the fifty-dollar-valued outsider to my office that day and placed it very carefully under- neath a good many papers in a locked drawer of my locked office desk, and then I locked up my office, and went to my home. Next morning early I returned to my office, and what was my surprise when I got to my office door, to find it wide open and the lock bursted and my desk and drawer opened, with broken locks, and my office floor strewn with all my law papers. I saw, of course, that a burglary had been committed during the night in my office, and, thinking at once of the valuable outsider, I looked for it in my drawer and found it gone! I looked and looked if anything else was stolen, but after a thorough search I missed nothing-nothing else. But the outsider was gone, and from that day, long-long, ago, to this, I have never seen or heard of it. Of course, I
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communicated the fact of my burglarious loss to Marshal Hulse and he was very much concerned, but all the wit and skill he could bring to bear about the matter in a long time, was of no avail. Now, who stole that "outsider?" That is a question which has never been answered, though both the marshal and myself strongly suspected one of those shrewd police officers who were present at the time the outsider was given to me. Soon after this the efficient marshal provided me with another outsider, which he procured on the arrest of some burglar, and this one, though not so good as the other, I used to exhibit to the juries in court afterwards, to show how readily and easily burglaries could be committed, and the exhibition always resulted in a conviction of the burglars. This, then, was an " outsider " experience by an official in-sider.
THE PROFANE DUTCH WITNESS AS TO MORAL CHARACTER.
A singular Dutch witness one day appeared for his friend, in the old court, to testify to his residence in the county and his good moral character. The friend desired to become a naturalized citizen of this country and had made his application in due form to the court, and had his witness present with him to prove his five years' resi- dence here, and his good moral character. And the wit- ness was sworn by the clerk, and when the clerk, in ad- ministering the usual oath, concluded-" and testify the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth "-the Dutch witness replied, holding down his uplifted hand, to the great astonishment of the court,-
" Yaw, by Gott."
" Witness," said the court, "what do you mean - swearing in that way before the court?"
" I means nottings, by Gott?"
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"What !" said the court.
"Nottings, by Gott," repeated the witness.
"But what makes you so profane?"
" Me bees not profane, by Gott."
" What makes you swear so?"
" Me does not schwear, by Gott."
" What do you mean by saying so often, 'by Gott?'"
"Nottings, by Gott."
"We will have to put you in jail if you don't quit it."
"Jail, by Gott-what for, by Gott?"
" Well, this beats all !" said the court-"do you know the applicant for naturalization?"
"Yaw, by Gott."
" Is he of good moral character?"
"Yaw, by Gott."
" Mister Sheriff," said the court, "we cannot stand this profanity any longer in court-take this fellow to jail for contempt of court."
On the order of the court, the sheriff moved from his desk to seize the witness, and the witness saw him coming, and he immediately took to his heels and ran out of the court room more swiftly than an arrow, exclaiming, as he went, "You shan't take me to jail for nottings, by Gott." The court, convulsed now with laughter, ordered the sheriff not to pursue the profane witness, but to let him go.
PERHAPS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF LAW.
There was a learned, and original thinking judge upon the bench of the old court house, and there was a lawyer earnestly addressing the jury, and contending that the law of the case was so and so, for his side of the case, and in the midst of his declamation to the jury, he
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