USA > New York > New York City > A history of New-York : from the beginning of the world to the end of the Dutch dynasty > Part 13
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He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had dried and withered away, partly through the natural process of years, and partly from being parched and burnt up by his fiery soul; which blazed like a vehement rushlight in his bosom, con- stantly inciting him to most valorous broils, alterca-
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tions, and misadventures. I have heard it observed by « profound and philosophical judge of human na- ture, that if a woman waxes fat as she grows old, the tenure of her life is very precarious, but if haply she withers, she lives for ever-such likewise was the case with William the Testy, who grew tougher in proportion as he dried. He was some such a little Dutchman as we may now and then see stumping briskly about the streets of our city, in a broad- skirted coat, with huge buttons, an old-fashioned cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was broad, and his features sharp, his nose turned up with the most pet- ulant curl ; his cheeks were scorched into a dusky red-doubtless in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul beamed with tropical fervour. The cor- ners of his mouth were curiously modelled into a kind of fretwork, not a little resembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irritable pug dog-in a word, he was one of the most positive, restless, ugly, little men, that ever put himself in a passion about nothing.
Such were the personal endowments of William the Testy ; but it was the sterling riches of his mind that raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had passed with great credit through a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for producing finished scholars with a despatch unequalled, except by cer- tain of our American colleges. Here he skirmished very smartly on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and made so gallant an inroad in the dead languages,
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as to bring off captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy saws and apophthegms, all which he constantly paraded in conversation and writing, with as much vain glory as would a triumphant general of yore display the spoils of the countries he had ravaged. He had, morcover, puzzled himself considerably with logic, in which he had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar ac- quaintance, by name at least, with the whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas; but what he chiefly valued himself on, was his knowledge of metaphysics, in which, having once upon a time ventured too deeply, he came well nigh being smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning-a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never perfectly recovered. This, I must confess, was in some measure a mis- fortune; for he never engaged in argument, of which he was exceeding fond, but what, between logical deductions and metaphysical jargon, he soon in- volved himself and his subject in a fog of contradic- tions and perplexities, and then would get into a mighty passion with his adversary for not being con- vinced gratis.
It is in knowledge as in swimming ; he who osten- tatiously sports and flounders on the surface, makes more noise and splashing, and attracts more attention, than the industrious pearl-diver, who plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. The "universal acquirements" of William Kieft were the subject of great marvel and admiration among his countrymen -he figured about at the Hague with as much vain
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glory as does a profound Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the Chinese alphabet ; and, in a word, was unanimously pronounced an universal genius !- I have known many universal geniuses in my time, though, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one, who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his weight in straw-but, for the pur- poses of government, a little sound judgment, and plain common sense, is worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poetry, or invented theories.
Strange as it may sound, therefore, the universal acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus were very much in his way ; and had he been a less learned man, it is possible he would have been a much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond of try- ing philosophical and political experiments ; and having stuffed his head full of scraps and remnants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and aristocra- cies, and monarchies, and the laws of Solon, and Lycurgus, and Charondas, and the imaginary com- monwealth of Plato, and the Pandects of Justinian, and a thousand other fragments of venerable anti- quity, he was for ever bent upon introducing some one or other of them into use; so that between one contradictory measure and another, he entangled the government of the little province of Nieuw-Neder- landts in more knots, during his administration, than half-a-dozen successors could have untied.
No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of government, than he called together his council, and delivered a
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very animated speech on the affairs of the province. As every body knows what a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor, has, of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing that gallantry of tongue, common to all able legislators. Before he commenced, it is re- corded that he took out his pocket-handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the attention of the auditors, but with William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had read of the singular expedient of that famous demagogue, Caius Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman pop- ulace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or pitchpipe.
This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced by expressing an humble sense of his own want of talents-his utter unworthiness of the hon- our conferred upon him, and his humiliating inca- pacity to discharge the important duties of his new station-in short, he expressed so contemptible an opinion of himself, that many simple country mem- bers present, ignorant that these were mere words of course, always used on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt wroth that he should accept an office, for which he was consciously so inade- quate.
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He then proceeded in a manner highly classic and profoundly erudite, though nothing at all to the pur- pose, being nothing more than a pompous account of all the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and' Carthage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, about which the assembly knew no more than their great-grandchil- dren yet unborn. Thus having, after the manner of your learned orators, convinced the audience that he 'was a man of many words and great erudition, he at length came to the less important part of his speech, the situation of the province-and here he soon worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yan- kees, whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe-nor did he forget to men- tion, in terms of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had encroached upon the territories of New-Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced the town of New- Plymouth, and planted the onion-patches of Wea- thersfield, under the very walls of Fort Goed Hoop,
Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, and de- clared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures to put a final stop to these encroach- ments-that he had been obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately invented, aw- ful in its effects, but authorized by direful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to conquer the Yankees -by proclamation !
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For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, and enjoining the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to re move, depart, and withdraw from the districts, regions and territories aforesaid, under pain of suffering all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case made and provided. This proclamation, he assured them, would at once exterminate the enemy from the face of the country, and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months after it was published, not one stone should remain on an- other in any of the towns which they had built.
The council remained for some time silent after he had finished ; whether struck dumb with admira- tion at the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of the times does not mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a universal grunt of acquiescence-the procla- mation was immediately despatched with due cere- mony, having the great seal of the province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red riband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved- adjourned the council-put on his cocked hat an corduroy small-clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned charger, trotted out to his country-seat, which was situated in a sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch-street, but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery.
Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, not
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from the nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom ; who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon earth a little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knowing women. In fact, my duty as a historian obliges me to make known a circumstance which was a great secret at the time, and consequently was not a subject of scan- dal at more than half the tea-tables in New-Amster- dam, but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of years-and this was, that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet sub- mitted at home to a species of government, neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat government .- An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the an- cients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic economy of honest Socrates ; which is the only ancient case on record.
The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging that it was a government of his own elec- tion, to which he submitted through choice ; adding at the same time a profound maxim which he had found in an ancient author, that " he who would as- pire to govern, should first learn to obey."
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CHAPTER II.
In which are recorded the sage projects of a ruler of universal genius-the art of fighting by proclama- tion-and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop.
NEVER was a more comprehensive, a more expe- ditious, or, what is still better, a more economical measure devised, than this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation-an expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle and pacific, there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding,-but then there was one chance to ten that it would not succeed-as the ill- natured fates would have it, that single chance car- ried the day ! The proclamation was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed, and well published-all that was wanting to insure its effect was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the most absolute contempt, applied it to an un- seemly purpose, and thus did the first warlike procla- mation come to a shameful end-a fate which I am credibly informed has befallen but too many of its successors.
It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be persuaded, by the united efforts of all his counsel- lors, that his war measures had failed in producing any effect. On the contrary, he flew in a passion
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whenever any one dared to question its efficacy ; and swore that, though it was slow in operating, yet when once it began to work, it would soon purge the land of these rapacious intruders. Time, however that test of all experiments, both in philosophy and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft, that his proclamation was abortive; and that notwithstanding he had waited nearly four years in a state of constant irritation, yet he was still farther off than ever from the object of his wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east became more and more troublesome in their encroachments, and founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon the skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They, moreover, commenced the fair settlement of New-Haven (otherwise called the Red Hills,) with- in the domains of their High Mightinesses-while the onion-patches of Piquag were a continual eye- sore to the garrison of Van Curlet. Upon behold- ing, therefore, the inefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many a worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the medicine, but to the quantity administered, and resolutely resolved to double the dose.
In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth year of his reign, he fulminated against them a second proclamation, of heavier metal than the former; written in thundering long sentences, not one word of which was under five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding and pro- hibiting all commerce and connexion between any and every of the said Yankee intruders, and the said
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fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop, and ordering, com- manding, and advising, all his trusty, loyal, and well- beloved subjects, to furnish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sour-crout; to buy none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-brandy, Yankee rim, cider-water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, tin-ware, or wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate them from the face of the land.
Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during which. this proclamation received the same attention and. experienced the same fate as the first. In truth, it was rendered of no avail by the heroic spirit of the Nederlanders themselves. No sooner were they pro- hibited the use of Yankee merchandise, than it imme- diately became indispensable to their very existence. The men, who all their lives had been content to drink gin and ride Esopus switch-tails, now swore that it was sheer tyranny to deprive them of apple- brandy and Narraghanset pacers ; and as to the wo- men, they declared there was no comfort in life with- out Weathersfield onions, tin kettles, and wooden bowls. So they all set to work, with might and main, to carry on a smuggling trade over the borders ; and the province was as full as ever of Yankee wares,- with this difference, that those who used them had to pay double price, for the trouble and risk incurred in breaking the laws.
A signal benefit arose from these measures of Wil- liam the Testy. The efforts to evade them had a marvellous effect in sharpening the intellects of the people. They were no longer to be governed without
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.aws, as in the time of Oloffe the Dreamer; nor would the jack-knife and tobacco-box of Walter the Doubter l:ave any more served as a judicial process. The old Nederlandt maxim, that "honesty is the best policy," was scouted as the bane of all ingenious enterprise To use a modern phrase, " a great impulse had beer given to the public mind ;" and from the time of this first experience in smuggling, we may perceive a vast increase in the number, intricacy, and severity of laws and statutes-a sure proof of the increasing keenness of public intellect.
A twelvemonth having elapsed since the issuing of the proclamation, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet despatched his annual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints and entreaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occasioned by the systematic regularity of his movements, or by the immense distance at which he was stationed from the seat of government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, who, as I have before noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least likely to be Avorn out on the road; and who, being pursy, short- winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week to rest. All these, however, are matters of conjecture; and I rather think it may be ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy country-and which has ever influenced all its public transactions-not to do things in a hurry.
The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, in his despatches,
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respectfully represented, that several years had now elapsed since his first application to his late excel- lency, Wouter Van Twiller ; during which interval, his garrison had been reduced nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his most valiant and corpulen soldiers, who had accidentally over-eaten themselve on some fat salmon, caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort or its inhabitants ; but squatting themselves down, and forming settle- ments all around it; so that, in a little while, he should find himself inclosed and blockaded by the enemy, and totally at their mercy.
But among the most atrocious of his grievances, 1 find the following still on record, which may serve to show the bloody-minded outrages of these savage intruders. "In the mean time, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindred our nation in sowing theire own purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the night, which the Netherlanders had broken up and intended to sowe: and have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the honored companie, which were labour- ing upon theire master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and among the rest, struck Ever Duckings * a hole in his
* This name is no doubt mispelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of the time, we find the name of Evert Duyckingh, who is un- questionably the unfortunate hero above alluded to.
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head, with a stick, so that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon his body."
But what is still more atrocious-
" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 5s. if the commissioners would have given 5s. for damage; which the commissioners denied, because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can tres- pass upon his owne master's grounde."*
The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in- censed the whole community-there was something in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, and touch- · ed the obtuse feelings, even of the puissant vulgar, who generally require a kick in the rear to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have known my pro- found fellow-citizens bear, without murmur, a thou- sand essential infringements of their rights, merely because they were not immediately obvious to their senses-but the moment the unlucky Pearce' was shot upon our coasts, the whole body politic was in a ferment-so the enlightened Nederlanders, though they had treated the encroachments of their eastern neighbours_with but little regard, and left their quill- valiant governor to bear the whole brunt of war with his single pen-yet now every individual felt his head broken in the broken head of Duckings- and the unhappy fate of their fellow-citizen the hog
* Haz. Col. State Papers.
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.being impressed, carried and sold into captivity, awakened a grunt of sympathy from every bosom.
The governor and council, goaded by the clamours of the multitude, now set themselves earnestly to deliberate upon what was to be done .- Proclama- tions had at length fallen into temporary disrepute : some were for sending the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace-offering to the petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the devil ; others were for buying them out, but this was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their title to the land they had seized. A variety of measures were, as usual in such cases, produced, discussed, and abandoned ; . and the council had at last to adopt the means, which being the most common and obvious, had been knowingly overlooked-for your amazing acute politicians are for ever looking through telescopes, which only enable them to see such objects as are far off, and unattainable, but which incapacitate them to see such things as are in their reach, and obvious to all simple folks, who are content to look with the naked eyes Heaven has given them. The profound council, as I have said, in the pursuit after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the ver measure they were in need of; which was to raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the relief and reenforcement of the garrison. This measure was carried into such prompt operation, that in less than twelve months, the whole expedition, consisting of a sergeant and twelve men, was ready to march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in the public
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square, now known by the name of the Bowling- Green. Just at this juncture, the whole community was thrown into consternation, by the sudden arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet ; who came strag- gling into town at the head of his crew of tatterde- malions, and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own defcat, and the capture of the redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hoop, by the ferocious Yankees.
The fate of this important fortress is an impressive warning to all military commanders. It was neither carried by storm nor famine ; no practicable breach was effected by cannon or mines; no magazines were blown up by red-hot shot, nor were the bar- racks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting of bombshells. In fact, the place was taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual ; and one that can never fail of success, whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit of our illustrious ances- tors, that it was a stratagem, which though it im- peached the vigilance, yet left the bravery of the in-, trepid Van Curlet and his garrison perfectly free from reproach.
It apppears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of the regular habits of the garrison, watched a fa- vourable opportunity, and silently introduced them- selves into the fort, about the middle of a sultry day ; when its vigilant defenders, having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and smoked out their pipes were one and all snoring most obstreperously at their posts, little dreaming of so disastrous an occurrence.
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The enemy most inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet and his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dis- missed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians, after the battle of Narva-only taking care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark ot distinction.
A strong garrison was immediately established in the fort, consisting of twenty long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats by way of cockades and feathers-long rusty fowling-pieces for muskets-hasty-pudding, dumb- fish, pork and molasses, for stores; and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard-liberty caps not having as yet come into fashion.
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CHAPTER III.
Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the great dolour of the New-Amsterdammers, because of the affair of Fort Goed Hoop-and, moreover, how William the Testy did strongly for- tify the city-together with the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff.
LANGUAGE cannot express the prodigious fury into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was too great for words, or rather the words were too great for him; and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, misshapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths, that crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole days -- anathematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for a set of dicven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes- kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names, of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not make mention. Finally, he swore that he would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bund- ling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew-that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he VOL. I. U
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