USA > New York > New York City > A history of New-York : from the beginning of the world to the end of the Dutch dynasty > Part 3
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But while briefly noticing long-celebrated systems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglec those of other philosophers ; which, though less uni versal and renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is record- ed by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming himself
* Book i. ch. 5.
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Into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake .*
The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being con- structed himself, that it might be supremely excel- lent. And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black, and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face; and hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, became flat.
The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the carth, whence it finally hap- pened that the earth became higher than the water.f
But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplora- ble ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, com- pelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers can understand; and I shall proceed
* Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.
+ Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk Indians. 1644.
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briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashion- able theories of their modern successors.
And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, and air ; which gradu- ally arranged themselves, according to their respec- tive gravities, round the burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre.
Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must be even- tually washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself .- Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the ten- der-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes before half the hideous task was accom- plished.
Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude, (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a most savoury stanza,) has distinguished
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himself by a very admirable theory respecting the ' earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaotic comet, which being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ; by which change of direction, order succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of its component parts. The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the poets.
But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them the notice they de- serve-and shall conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good- natured credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, intrigues, and other topics of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occa- sion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the sun-which in its flight, by a
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similar convulsion, exploded the carth-which in like guise exploded the moon-and thus by a concat- enation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most systematically in motion !*
By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts ; my un- learned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as
they at first imagined. I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be constructed ; and I have no doubt that had any of the philosophers above quoted the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical warehouse chaos at his command, he would engage to manufac- ture a planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit.
And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great relief 'of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance, more sudden evolutions and transitions are effected in the system of nature, than are wrought in a pan- tomimic exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his
* Darw. Bot. Garden. Part. I. Cant. i. 1. 105.
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hippogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broom- stick, " to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky."
There is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar on horseback," which I would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers: but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was Phæton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet a mere beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and fagots-a third, of more combustible dispo- sition, threatens to throw his comet, like a bombshell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder-maga- zine; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other, his comet-my modest pen blushes while I write it-shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and deluge it with water !- Surely, as I have already observed, comets were intended by Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist them in manu- facturing theories.
And now, having adduced several of the most prominent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all serious speculations of learned men-all differ essentially from each other -and all have the same title to belief. It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish
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the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, of which we make such great parade, consist but in detecting the errors and ab- surdities of those who have gone before, and devising new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children of science amuse themselves-while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with the name of wisdom !- Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, would be found not worth the trouble of discovery.
For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content my- self with the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example of our inge- nious neighbours of Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed, that the colony should be governed by the laws of God-until they had time to make better.
One thing, however, appears certain-from the unanimous authority of the before-quoted philoso- phers, supported by the evidence of our own senses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cau- tiously admitted as additional testimony,) it appears,
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I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really was cre- uted, and that it is composed of land and water. It farther appears that it is curiously divided and par- celled out into continents and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned ISLAND OF NEW-YORK will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.
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CHAPTER III.
How that famous navigator, Noah, was shamefully nicknamed; and how he committed an unpardon- able oversight in not having four sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, und the discovery of America.
NOAH, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that the patri- arch had a number of other children, Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus, and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in other words, the Dutch nation.
I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble than many people would imagine; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every coun- try that he visited. The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his history, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus -a trivial alteration, which, to a historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It ap-
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pears likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpawling and quadrant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the Indians, as Menu ; the Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most exten- sive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the world much longer than any one else, de- clare that Noah was no other than Fohi; and what gives this assertion some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of the tower of Babel, (probably to improve himself in the study of languages,) and the learned Dr. Shuckford gives us the additional information, that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China.
From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall content myself with the simple fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and how events the most distant, and to the common observer unconnect- ed, are inevitably consequent the one to the other. It remains for the philosopher to discover these mys- terious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his skill, to detect and drag forth some latent chain
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of causation, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many of my readers will doubtless wonder what connexion the family of Noah can possibly have with this history- and many will stare when informed, that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its char- acter and course from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons-but to ex- plain :
Noah, we are told by sundry very credible histo- rians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father, portioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to Ja- phet, Europe. Now it is a thousand times to be la- mented that he had but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inherited America ; which, of course, would have been drag- ged forth from its obscurity on the occasion ; and thus many a hard-working historian and philoso- pher would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting the first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, looked in all probability upon our country as mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing about it; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the mis- fortune, that America did not come into the world as early as the other quarters of the globe.
It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that
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he really did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer, pos- sessed of that ponderosity of thought, and profound- ness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for the sea-faring life, super- intended the transmigration. The pious and en- lightened father, Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, re- markable for his aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon the' manner in which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. " I have already observed," ex- claims the good father, in a tone of becoming indig- iation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grand-children of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his descendants, the art of sailing on the ocean ?" Therefore, they did sail on the ocean-therefore, they sailed to. America-therefore, America was discovered by Noah !
VOL. I.
Y
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Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith, rather than the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans de Laert, who declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertaincd the thought of discovering America ; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am in- clined to believe he must have been much better ac- quainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how inti- mate historians do daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy im- proves with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should not be surprised if some future wri- ters should gravely give us a picture of men and man- ners as they existed before the flood, far more copious and accurate than the Bible ; and that, in the course of another century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as current among historians, as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Robin- son Crusoe.
I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures and probabilities, respecting the first discovery of this country, with which unhappy historians overload themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, and sweating under an enormous burden, at the very outset of their
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works, which, on being opened, turns out to be no- thing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this point.
I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether America was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither in- quire whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to the scavans of the learned city of Phila- delphia.
Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America, and that for a plain reason-if he did not go there, where else could he have gone ?- a question which most Socratically shuts out all far- ther dispute.
Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above mentioned, with a multitude of others, equally satis-
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factory, I shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, that America was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and ad- ventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall J undertake to prove that this country should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being noto- riously self-evident.
Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impa- fience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will imme- diately deliver it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular-bred historian ! No-no-most curious and thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are, if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine times learned shall ve be, if ye read that which comes after,) we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe had no- thing to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a garden, wherein they might revel at their ease ? No such thing-they had forests to cut down, underwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate.
In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties once overcome. we shall be enabled "o
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jog on right merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense-this being an improvement in his- tory, which I claim the merit of having invented.
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. CHAPTER IV.
Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in. peopling America-and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by accident-to the great relief and satisfaction of the Author.
THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regu- lar course of our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how this country was originally peopled-a point fruitful of incredible embarrassment ; for unless we prove that the aborigines did absolutely come from somewhere, it will be immediately asserted in this age of scepticism that they did not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, then was this country never populated-a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcileable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllo- gistically prove fatal to the innumerable aborigines of this populous region.
To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so many millions of fellow-crea- tures, how many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained ! and how many capacious heads of learned historians have been addled, and for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe, when I contemplate the pon- derous tomes, in different languages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so important
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to the happiness of society, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical ar- gument, and after leading us a weary chase through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work just as wise as we were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose chase of the kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily, as " an irksome agonizing care, a su- perstitious industry about unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing when it is done." But to proceed :
Of the claims of the children of Noah to the origi- nal population of this country, I shall say nothing, as they have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in celebrity, are the descendants of Abraham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for embel- lishing the temple at Jerusalem ; nay, Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veri- - table Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore.
So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fasci- nating extravagance, was too tempting not to be im- mediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learning ;
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and accordingly, there were divers profound writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear- Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, assert that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country. While l'ossevin, Becan, and several other sagacious writers, lug in a sup- posed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key- stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. ·
Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be found in divers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, who has always affected to coun- terfeit the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken of the religion of na- tions newly discovered, and founded besides on the authority of the fathers of the church."
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