USA > New York > New York City > A history of New-York : from the beginning of the world to the end of the Dutch dynasty > Part 15
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Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed at the character of the enemy, who were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe- cakes and bacon, drank mint-juleps and apple-toddy, and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, goug- ing, tar and feathering, and a variety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their cousins-german and prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable resem- blance. Notwithstanding all these alarming repre- sentations, the admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly with his fleet, and arrived without dis- aster or opposition at the place of destination.
Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in Low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previously put in his pocket; wherein he courteously com- menced by calling them a pack of lazy, louting, dram- drinking, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave-driving, tavern-haunting, sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding
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upstarts-and concluded by ordering them to evacu- ate the country immediately-to which they most laconically replied in plain English, " they'd see him d-d first."
Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jan- sen Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made any calculation-and finding himself totally unprepared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility, he concluded that his wisest course was to return home and report progress. He accordingly sailed back to New-Amsterdam, where he was received with great honours, and considered as a pattern for all commanders ; having achieved a most hazardous enterprise, at a trifling expense of treasure, and with- out losing a single man to the state !- He was unani- mously called the deliverer of his country, (an ap- pellation liberally bestowed on all great men ;) his two sloops, having done their duty, were laid up (or dry-docked) in a cove now called the Albany basin, where they quietly rotted in the mud; and to immor- talize his name, they erected, by subscription, a mag- nificent shingle monument on the top of Flatten-bar- rack hill, which lasted three whole years ; when it fell to pieces, and was burnt for firewood.
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CHAPTER V.
How William the Testy enriched the province by a. multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of lawyers and bum-bailiff's-und how the people be- came exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his instructions.
AMONG the many wrecks and fragments of ex- alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream of time, from venerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by those humble, but industrious wights, who ply along the shores of literature, we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, the Locrian legislator. Anxious to preserve the ancient laws of the state from the additions and, improve- ments of profound " country members," or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law, should do it with a halter about his neck ; so that in case his proposition was reject- ed, they just hung him up-and there the matter ended.
This salutary institution had such an effect, that for more than two hundred years there was only one trifling alteration in the criminal code-and the whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment. The consequence of this was, that the Locrians, being unprotected by an overwhelming load of excellent laws, and undefended by a stand-
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ing army of pettifoggers and sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and were such a happy peo- ple, that they scarce make any figure throughout the whole Grecian history-for it is well known that none but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole na- tions make any noise in the world.
Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he haply, in the course of his " universal ac- quirements," stumbled upon this precaution of the good Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived that the true policy of a legislator was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the persons, and the morals of the people, by surrounding them in a manner with men-traps and spring-guns, and besetting even the sweet sequestered walks of private life with quickset hedges, so that a man could scarcely turn, without the risk of encountering some of these pes- tiferous protectors. Thus was he continually coin- ing petty laws for every petty offence that occurred, until in time they became too numerous to be re- membered, and remained like those of certain mod- ern legislators, mere dead letters-revived occa- sionally for the purpose of individual oppression, or to entrap ignorant offenders.
Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the law was administered with nearly as much wis- dom and impartiality as in those august tribunals, the alderman's and justice's courts of the present day- The plaintiff was generally favoured, as being a cus- tomer and bringing business to the shop ; the offen- ces of the rich were discreetly winked at-for fear
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of hurting the feelings of their friends ;- but it could never be laid to the charge of the vigilant burgomas- ters, that they suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the disgraceful rags of poverty.
About this time may we date the first introduction of capital punishments-a goodly gallows being erected on the water-side, about where Whitehall stairs are at present, a little to the east of the Bat- tery. Hard by also was erected another gibbet of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable description, but on which the ingenious William Kieft valued himself not a little, being a punishment entirely of · his own invention.
It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit inferior to that of Haman, so renowned in bible history ; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being suspended by the neck, according to venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an hour together, dangling and sprawl- ing between heaven and earth-to the infinite enter- tainment and doubtless great edification of the multi- tude of respectable citizens, who usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind.
It is incredible how the little governor chuckle at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries and mirthful conceits to utter upon these occasions. He called them his dandle-lions-his wild-fowl-his high- Ayers-his spread eagles-his goshawks-his scare- crows, and finally his gallows-birds, which ingenious
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appellation, though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this strange manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all candi- dates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may credit the assertions of certain grave ety- mologists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their multifarious breeches, and which has of late years been revived, and continues to be worn at the present day.
Such were the admirable improvements of Wil- liam Kieft in criminal law-nor was his civil code less a matter of wonderment; and much. does it grieve me that the limits of my work will not suffer me to expatiate on both, with the prolixity they de- serve. Let it suffice then to say, that in a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became no- toriously apparent. It was soon found necessary to have a certain class of men to expound and confound them-divers pettifoggers accordingly made their ap- pearance, under whose protecting care the commu- nity was soon set together by the ears.
I would not here be thought to insinuate any thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or to its dig- nified members. Well am I aware, that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy gentlemen who have embraced that honourable order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish cravings of renown, but through no other motives, but a fer- vent zeal for the correct administration of justice, and a generous and disinterested devotion to the in-
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terests of their fellow-citizens !- Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for ever, than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens-on the contrary, I allude solely to that crew of caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, have become so numerous-who infest the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights the honourable order of chivalry-who, under its auspices, commit their depredations on so- ciety-who thrive by quibbles, quirks, and chicanery, and, like vermin, swarm most where there is most corruption.
Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions, as the facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be so constantly crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper with the passions of the lower and more ig- norant classes ; who, as if poverty were not a suffi- cient misery in itself, are always ready to heighten it by the bitterness of litigation. They are in law what quacks are in medicine-exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting by the cure, and re tarding the cure for the purpose of augmenting the fees. Where one destroys the constitution, the other impoverishes the purse ; and it may likewise be ob- served, that a patient, who has once been under the hands of a quack, is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with infallible remedies; and an
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ignorant man, who has once meddled with the law under the auspices of one of these empirics, is for ever after embroiling himself with his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with successful law- suits .- My readers will excuse this digression, into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, and with the effects of which I am unluckily acquainted to my cost ; having been nearly ruined by a law-suit, which was unjustly decided against me-and my ruin having been completed by another, which was de- cided in my favour. 1
It has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the adminis- tration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition of the in- habitants of New-Amsterdam experienced an essen- tial change, so that they became very meddlesome and factious. The constant exacerbations of temper into which the little governor was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, and his unfortunate pro- pensity to experiment and innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a continual worry-and the council being to the people at large, what yest or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole commu- nity into a ferment-and the people at large being to the city what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent operated most disas- trously upon New-Amsterdam-insomuch, that in certain of their paroxysms of consternation and per- VOL. I. Y
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plexity, they begat several of the most crooked, dis torted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, with which this metropolis is disfigured.
But the worst of the matter was, that just about this time the mob, since called the sovereign people, like Balaam's ass, began to grow more enlightened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire of gov- erning itself. This was another effect of the " univer- sal acquirements" of William the Testy. In some of his pestilent researches among the rubbish of an- tiquity, he was struck with admiration at the insti- tution of public tables among the Lacedæmonians, where they discussed topics of a general and interest- ing nature-at the schools of the philosophers, where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics and morals-where gray-beards were taught the rudi- ments of wisdom, and youths learned to become little men before they were boys. "There is nothing," said the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book, " there is nothing more essential to the well management of a country, than education among the people; the basis of a good government should be laid in the public mind."-Now this was true enough, but it was ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance, he could scarcely eat or sleep until he had set on foot brawl- ing debating societies among the simple citizens of New-Amsterdam. This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. The honest Dutch burgh-
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ers, though in truth but little given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often to- gether, fuddling themselves with strong drink, becloud- ing their brains with tobacco-smoke, and listening to the harangues of some half-a-dozen oracles, soon be- came exceedingly wise, and-as is always the case where the mob is politically enlightened-exceed- ingly discontented. They found out, with wonder- ful quickness of discernment, the fearful error in which they had indulged, in fancying themselves the happiest people in creation-and were fortunately convinced, that, all circumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded, and consequently, ruined people.
In a short time, the quidnuncs of New-Amsterdam formed themselves into sage juntos of political croak- ers, who daily met together to groan over political affairs, and make themselves miserable ; thronging to these unhappy assemblages, with the same eagerness that zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of religion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are natu- rally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imagi- nary causes of lamentation-like lubberly monks, we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a vast. satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox ; daily expe- rience shows the truth of these observations. It is almost impossible to elevate the spirits of a man groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing is more easy than to render him wretched, though on the
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pinnacle of felicity; as it is a Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him off thencc.
In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those sapient convocations called popular meetings, prevalent at our day. 'Thither resorted all those idlers and " squires of low degree," who, like rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers aban- doned their stalls, and hastened thither to give lessons on political economy-blacksmiths left their handi- craft and suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of fac- tion ; and even tailors, though but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own measures, to attend to the measures of govern- ment .- Nothing was wanting but half-a-dozen news- - papers and patriotic editors, to have completed this public illumination, and to have thrown the whole province in an uproar !
1 should not forget to mention, that these popular · meetings were held at a noted tavern ; for houses of that description have always been found the most fostering nurseries of politics ; abounding with those genial streams which give strength and sustenance to faction. We are told that the ancient Germans had an admirable mode of treating any question of im- portance ; they first deliberated upon it when drunk, and afterwards reconsidered it when sober, The
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shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk ; by which means a world of cold and te- dious speculation is dispensed with-and as it is uni- versally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees double, it follows most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his sober neighbours.
Y 2
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CHAPTER VI.
Of the great pipe plot-and of the dolorous perplex- ities into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the multitude.
WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been made manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. He was of an active, or rather a busy mind ; that is to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, which make up by bustle and constant motion for the want of great scope and power. He had, when quite a youngling, been impressed with the advice of Solomon, "go to the ant thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise ;" in conformity to which, he had ever been of a restless ant-like turn, worrying hither and thither, busying himself about little matters, with an air of great importance and anxiety-laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at a grain of mustard-seed, under the full conviction" that he was moving a mountain.
Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliber- ation, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit the uni- versal practice of smoking. This he proved, by mathematical demonstration, to be, not merely a heavy tax on the public pocket, but an incredible consumer of lime, a great encourager of idleness, and,
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of course, a deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of the people. Ill-fated Kieft ! had he lived in this enlightened and libel-loving age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could not have struck more closely on the sensibilities of the million.
The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the constitutional gravity of their deportment would per- mit-a mob of factious citizens had even the hardi- hood to assemble before the governor's house, where, setting themselves resolutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, they one and all fell to smok- ing with a determined perseverance, that seemed as though it were their intention to smoke him into terms. The testy William issued out of his mansion like a wrathful spider, and demanded to know the cause of this seditious assemblage, and this lawless fumigation ; to which these sturdy rioters made no other reply, than to loll back phlegmatically in their seats, and puff away with redoubled fury; whereby they raised such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to take refuge in the interior of his castle.
The governor immediately perceived the object of this unusual tumult, and that it would be impos- sible to suppress a practice, which, by long indul- gence, had become a second nature. And herc I would observe, partly to explain why I have so often made mention of this practice in my history, that it was inseparably connected with all the affairs, both public and private, of our revered ancestors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the true-
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born Nederlander. It was his companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gayer hours, his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his pride ; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe through his pipe.
When William the Testy bethought himself of al these matters, which he certainly did, although a little too late, he came to a compromise with the besieg- ing multitude. The result was, that though he con- tinued to permit the custom of smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes which were used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tran- quillity, and sobriety of deportment ; and, in place thereof, did introduce little, captious, short pipes, two inches in length; which, he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat- band, and would not be in the way of business. By this the multitude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to their habitations. Thus ended this alarm- ing insurrection, which was long known by the name of the pipe plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere smoke.
But mark, oh reader! the deplorable consequences that did afterwards result. The smoke of these vil- lanous little pipes, continually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into, and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the people that used them as vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor -nay, what is more, from a goodly, burly race of folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch farmers,
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who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race of men.
Nor was this all, for from hence may we date the rise of parties in this province. Certain of the more wealthy and important burghers adhering to the an- cient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, which went by the appellation of the Long Pipes-while the lower orders, submitting to the innovation, which they found to be more convenient in their handicraft employments, and to leave them more liberty of ac- tion, were branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes. A third party likewise sprang up, differing from both the other, headed by the descendants of the famous Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. These entirely discarded the use of pipes, and took to chewing tobacco, and hence they were called Quids. It is worthy of notice, that this last appellation has since come to be invariably ap- plied to those mongrel or third parties, that will sometimes spring up between two great contending parties, as a mule is produced between a horse and an ass.
And here I would remark the great benefit of these party distinctions, by which the people at large are saved the vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into three classes, those who think for themselves, those who let others think for them, and those who will neither do one nor the other. The second class, however, comprises the great mass of society ; and hence is the origin of party, by which is meant a large body of people, some few of whom
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think, and all the rest talk. The former, who are called the leaders, marshal out and discipline the latter, teaching them what they must approve-what they must hoot at-what they must say-whom they must support-but, above all, whom they must hate -- for no man can be a right good partisan, unless he be a determined and thorough-going hater.
But when the sovereign people are thus properly broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is delectable to see with what docility and harmony they jog onward, through mud and mire, at the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt-carts of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic member of Con- gress have I seen, who would never have known how to make up his mind on any question, and might have run a great risk of voting right by mere acci- dent, had he not had others to think for him, and a file-leader to vote after !
Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Man- hattoes, being divided into parties, were enabled to organize dissension, and to oppose and hate one another more accurately. And now the great busi- ness of politics went bravely on-the parties as- sembling in separate beer-houses, and smoking a each other with implacable animosity, to the great support of the state, and emolument of the tavern- keepers. Some, indeed, who were more zealous than the rest, went farther, and began to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and scandalous little words, to be found in the Dutch language ; every partisan believing religiously that
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he was serving his country, when he traduced the character, or impoverished the pocket of a political adversary. But, however they might differ between themselves, all parties agreed on one point, to cavil at and condemn every measure of government, whether right or wrong ; for as the governor was by his station independent of their power, and was not elected by their choice, and as he had not decided in favour of either faction, neither of them was inter- ested in his success, or in the prosperity of the coun- try, while under his administration.
" Unhappy William Kieft !" exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript-" doomed to contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a people too wise to be governed !" All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled and set at nought, and all his measures for the public safety were cavilled at by the people. Did he pro- pose levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence-the mob, that is to say those vagabond members of the community who have nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their interests were in danger-that a standing army was a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society ; a rod of iron in the hands of government ; and that a government with a military force at its command would inevitably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then hastily collect a handfull of undisciplined vagrants -- the measure was hooted at as feeble and inadequate,
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