USA > Indiana > Monroe County > The new purchase : or, seven and a half years in the Far West > Part 27
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if not expressly taught, yet really encouraged, to slight their work-to be impertinent-and to pay no respect to proper family hours at night, or even to the solemnities of a domestic religion !
Hence a New Purchase is not the most pleasant place in the world for boarding-school young ladies-or indeed for any females* who have not muscles of oak and patience of an ox. . Let then, no fair lady who can remain in an old settlement, ven- ture into a new one from mere poetical reasons ; or till she has long and deeply pondered this phrase and its cognates-"to work your own ash-hopper!" And if a nice young gentleman engaged to be married to a pretty delicate lily-flower of loveliness, is meditating "to flit" to a bran new settlement, let him know that out there rough men, with rare exceptions, regard wives as squaws, and as they often expressed their views to Mr. Carlton, "have no idee of sich weak, feminy, wimmin bodies as warnt brung up to sling a dinner-pot-kill a varmint-and make leather brichises !"
MORAL.
Better to marry in the Range.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
quodeunque ostendis mihi sic, incredulus odi." 66 -I am slow to believe fish stories."
OUR Board of Trustees, it will be remembered, had been di- rected by the Legislature to procure, as the ordinance called it, "Teachers for the commencement of the State College at Wood- ville." That business by the Board was committed to Dr. Sylvan and Robert Carlton-the most learned gentlemen of the body, and of-the New Purchase!1 Our honourable Board will be
* Woman.5
5 Hall's original footnote.
1 These pages seem confusing and can hardly be consistent with his-, torical facts. This comes from Hall's playing the two characters, Robert Carlton and Rev. Charles Clarence. Hall was never a member of the Board of Trustees of the Seminary. The First Board by the Act creat- ing the Seminary, January 20, 1820 consisted of the following: Charles Dewey, Jonathan Lindley, David H. Maxwell, John M. Jenkins, Jonathan
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specially introduced hereafter; at present we shall bring forward certain rejected candidates, that like rejected prize essays, they may be published, and thus have their revenge.
None can tell us how plenty good things are till he looks for them; and hence, to the great surprise of the Committee, there seemed to be a sudden growth and a large crop of persons even in and around Woodville, either already qualified for the "Profes- sorships," as we named them in our publications, or who could "qualify" by the time of election. As to the "chair" named also in our publications, one very worthy and disinterested school- master offered, as a great collateral inducement for his being elected, "to find his own chair !"-a vast saving to the State, if the same chair I saw in Mr. Whackum's school-room. For his chair there was one with a hickory bottom ; and doubtless he would have filled it, and even lapped over its edges, with equal dignity in the recitation room of Big College.
The Committee had, at an early day, given an invitation to the Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. of New Jersey, and his answer had been affirmative; yet for political reasons we had been obliged to invite competitors, or make them, and we found and created "a right smart sprinkle."
Hopes of success were built on many things-for instance, on poverty, a plea being entered that some thing ought to be done for the poor fellow-on one's having taught a common school all his born days, who now deserved to rise a peg-on political, or religious, or fanatical partizan qualifications-and on pure patri- otic principles, such as a person's having been "born in a cane- brake and rocked in a sugar trough." On the other hand, a fat, dull-headed, and modest Englishman asked for a place, because he had been born in Liverpool and had seen the world beyond the woods and waters too! And another fussy, talkative, pragmatical little gentleman, rested his pretensions on his ability to draw and
Nickols, and William Lowe. Maxwell and Lowe had been members of the Constitutional Convention of Corydon, 1816. On pp. 186-7 of Volume I the text asserts, "I was finally made a trustee of the State College at Wood- ville,-The appointment, however, was not made till Mr. J. Glenville (John M. Young) took his seat in our legislature in 182- . " Young was a member of the legislature in 1828, and no record can be found of his having been a member of a previous legislature.
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paint maps !- not projecting them in round about scientific pro- cesses, but in that speedy and elegant style in which young ladies copy maps at first chop boarding schools! Nay, so transcendant seemed Mr. Mercator's claims, when his show or sample maps were exhibited to us, that some in our Board, and nearly every body out of it, was confident he would do for Professor of Mathematics and even Principal.
But of all our unsuccessful candidates, we shall introduce by name only two-Mr. James Jimmey, A.S.S., and Mr. Solomon Rapid, A. to Z.
Mr. Jimmey, who aspired to the mathematical chair, was master of a small school of all sexes, near Woodville. At the first, he was kindly, yet honestly told, his knowledge was too limited and in- accurate ; yet, notwithstanding this, and some almost rude repulses afterwards, he persisted in his application and his hopes. To give evidence of competency, he once told me he was arranging a new spelling-book, the publication of which would make him known as a literary man, and be an unspeakable advantage to "the rising generation." And this naturally brought on the following colloquy about the work :-
"Ah! indeed! Mr. Jimmey?"
"Yes, indeed, Mr. Carlton."
"On what new principle do you go, sir ?"
"Why, sir, on the principles of nature and common sense. I allow school-books for schools are all too powerful obstruse and hard-like for to be understood without exemplifying illustrations."
"Yes, but Mr. Jimmy, how is a child's spelling-book to be made any plainer ?"
"Why, sir, by clear explifications of the words in one column, by exemplifying illustrations in the other."
"I do not understand you, Mr. Jimmey, give me a specimen-" "Sir?"
"An example-"
"To be sure-here's a spes-a-example; you see, for instance, I put in the spelling-column, C-r-e-a-m, cream, and here in the ex- plification column, I put the exemplifying illustration-Unctious part of milk !"
We had asked, at our first interview, if our candidate was an
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algebraist, and his reply was negative; but, "he allowed he could qualify by the time of election, as he was powerful good at figures, and had cyphered clean through every arithmetic he had ever seen, promiscuous questions and all!" Hence, some weeks after, as I was passing his door, on my way to a squirrel hunt, with a party of friends, Mr. Jimmey, hurrying out with a slate in his hand, begged me to stop a moment, and thus addressed me :-
"Well, Mr. Carlton, this algebra is a most powerful thing- aint it ?"
"Indeed it is, Mr. Jimmey-have you been looking into it?"
"Looking into it! I have been all through this here fust part, and by election time, I allow I'll be ready for examination."
"Indeed !"
"Yes, sir! but it is such a pretty thing! Only to think of cyphering by letters! Why, sir, the sums come out, and bring the answers exactly like figures! Jist stop a minute-look here; a stands for 6, b stands for 8, and ç stands for 4, and d stands for figure 10; now if I say a+b-c=d, it is all the same as if I said, 6 is 6 and 8 makes 14, and 4 substracted, leaves 10 !! Why, sir, I done a whole slate full of letters and signs ; and afterwards, when I tried by figures, they every one of them came out right and brung the answer! I mean to cypher by letters altogether."
"Mr. Jimmey, my company is nearly out of sight-if you can get along this way through simple and quadratic equations by our meeting, your chance will not be so bad-good morning, sir."
But our man of "letters" quit cyphering the new way, and re- turned to plain figures long before reaching equations ; and so he could not become our professor. Yet anxious to do us all the good in his power, after our college opened, he waited on me, a leading trustee, with a proposal to board our students, and au- thorised me to publish-"as how Mr. James Jimmey will take strange students (students not belonging to Woodville) to board, at one dollar a week, and find every thing, washing included, and will black their shoes three times a week to boot, and-give them their dog-wood and cherry-bitters every morning into the bargain!
The most extraordinary candidate, however, was Mr. Solomon Rapid. He was now somewhat advanced into the shaving age, and was ready to assume offices the most opposite in character ;
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although justice compels us to say Mr. Rapid was as fit for one thing as another. Deeming it waste of time to prepare for any station till he was certain of obtaining it, he wisely demanded the place first, and then set to work to become qualified for its duties, being, I suspect the very man, or some relation of his, who is recorded as not knowing whether he could read Greek, as he had never tried. And, beside, Mr. Solomon Rapid contended that all offices, from president down to fence-viewer, were open to every white American citizen; and that every republican had a blood bought right to seek any that struck his fancy; and if the profits were less, or the duties more onerous than had been anticipated, that a man ought to resign and try another.
Naturally, therefore, Mr. Rapid, thought he would like to sit in our chair of languages, or have some employment in the State college ; and hence he called for that purpose on Dr. Sylvan, who, knowing the candidate's character, maliciously sent him to me. Accordingly, the young gentleman presented himself, and without ceremony, instantly made known his business thus :-
"I heerd, sir, you wanted somebody to teach the State school, and I'm come to let you know I'm willing to take the place."
"Yes, sir, we are going to elect a professor of languages who is to be the principal, and a professor-"
"Well, I don't care which I take, but I'm willing to be the principal. I can teach sifring, reading, writing, jogger-free, sur- veying, grammur, spelling, definitions, parsin-"
"Are you a linguist ?"
"Sir!"
"You of course understand the dead languages?"
"Well, can't say I ever seed much of them, though I have heerd tell of them; but I can soon larn them-they aint more than a few of them I allow?"
· "Oh! my dear sir, it is not possible-we-can't-"
"Well, I never seed what I couldn't larn about as smart as any body -- "
"Mr. Rapid, I do not mean to question your abilities ; but if you are now wholly unacquainted with the dead languages, it is im- possible for you or any other talented man to learn them under four or five years."
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"Pshoo foo! I'll bet I larn one in three weeks! Try me, sir- let's have the furst one furst-how many are there ?"
"Mr. Rapid, it is utterly impossible; but if you insist, I will loan you a Latin book-
"That's your sorts, let's have it, that's all I want, fair play"
Accordingly, I handed him a copy of Historia Sacræ with which he soon went away, saying, he "didn't allow it would take long to git through Latin, if 'twas only sich a thin patch of a book as that."
In a few weeks, to my no small surprise, Mr. Solomon Rapid again presented himself ; and drawing forth the book began with a triumphant expression of countenance :-
"Well, sir, I have done the Latin."
"Done the Latin !"
"Yes, I can read it as fast as English."
"Read it as fast as English !! "
"Yes, as fast as English-and I didn't find it hard at all."
"May I try you on a page?"
"Try away, try away; that's what I've come for."
"Please read here then, Mr. Rapid;" and in order to give him a · fair chance, I pointed to the first lines of the first chapter, viz ; "In principio deus creavit caelum et terram intra sex dies ; primo die fecit lucem," &c.
"That, sir?" and then he read thus, "in prinspo duse cree-vit kalelum et terum intra 2 sex dyes-primmo dye fe-fe-sit looseum," &c.
"That will do, Mr. Rapid-"
"Ah! ha! I told you so."
"Yes,-yes but translate."
"Translate? ! " (eyebrows elevating.)
"Yes, translate, render it."
"Render it !! how's that?" (forehead more wrinkled.)
"Why, yes, render it into English-give me the meaning of it."
"MEANING !! " (staring full in my face, his eyes like saucers,
2 Our Yankee linguists will rejoice to know that Mr. Rapid pronounced that a just as flat and calfish as themselves; as they thus have untutored nature on their side, just as the Egyptian King had the goats and the babies on his.
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and forehead wrinkled with the furrows of eighty )-"MEANING !! I didn't know it had any meaning. I thought it was a DEAD language ! ! "
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Well, reader, I am glad you are not laughing at Mr. Rapid; for how should any thing dead speak out so as to be understood? And indeed, does not his definition suit the vexed feelings of some young gentlemen attempting to read Latin without any interlinear translation? and who inwardly, cursing both book and teacher, blast their souls "if they can make any sense out of it." The ancients 3 may yet speak in their own languages to a few; but to most who boast the honour of their acquaintance, they are certainly dead in the sense of Solomon Rapid.
Our honourable board of trustees at last met; and after a real attempt by some, and a pretended one by others, to elect one and another out of the three dozen candidates, the Reverend Charles Clarence, A.M., was chosen our principal and professor of lan- guages ; and that to the chagrin of Mr. Rapid and other disap- pointed persons, who all from that moment united in determined and active hostility towards the college, Mr. Clarence, Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton, and, in short, towards "every puss proud aristocrat big-bug, and darn'd blasted Yankee in the New Purchase."
CHAPTER XXXV.
"Die mihi, si fueris tu leo, qualis eris?"
"Let us play the lion too; I will roar that I will do any man's heart good to hear me; I will roar that I will make the duke say, "Let him roar again, let him roar again.'"
SCARCELY had our college excitements subsided, when we were favoured by a visit from two apostolic new lights. These holely men worked by inspiration, and had from heaven patent ways of converting folks by wholesale-by towns, villages, and settle- ments ; although it must be owned, the converts would not stay
3 Like the Bible, the dead languages are in bad odour in the Independent Republican Common Schools under Foreign influence.
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converted. And yet these men did verily do wonders at Wood- ville, as much so as if by Mesmerism or Mormonism or Catholi- cism they had magnetised and stupefied all our moral and spiritual phrenological developments! If the doctrine be true, as some religious editors assert, and we suppose on good authority, that the sect which can in the shortest time convert the most is the favourite with heaven, then our new lights deserved the appella- tion they gave themselves-Christians.
Our priests depended on no "high larnin,"-set no apples of gold in frames of silver, but despised "man-hatch'd fillosofees ;" and we may add, even harmless grammar, being as they said "poor, unlarn'd, ignorant men," and also, unshaved, uncomb'd, and fearfully dirt-begrimed-close imitators, as they insisted, of primitive Christianity. All they did was "goin from house to. house a eatin and drinkin sich as was set afore them," bellowing prayers, snivelling and sobbing, and slobbering over man, woman, and child, and 'a begginin and beseechinin on them to come to meetin." And as meetings were held at every hour of every day and every night, we lived on the trot in going to and from them- becoming thus a very peculiar, if not a very good people.
At meeting, our venerable teachers prayed as loud and perti- naciously as the priests of Baal, aided, however, by amateurs in the congregations ; yet with it all, we never advanced beyond oh !- ing and ah !- ing. Still, definite petitions were often presented, some for "onreginerit worldlins," some for "hypocrit professors," and many "for folks what believed in John Calvin's religion and hadn't never been convarted." But as it was of importance to have certain persons saved, and the divinity of the new lights might not fully understand who was meant, names were mentioned in prayer, as "dear brother Smith," or poor "dear sister Brown," and sometimes titles were added, as "dear Squire Goodman," or "dear Major Meanwell."
I never had the pleasure of hearing the bulls of Bashan roar; yet, having heard our new light preachers, I can now form a better conjecture as to that peculiar eloquence ; at all events, our two preachers foamed like a modern bull worried by boys and butchers' dogs, and never gave over till exhausted. Often what they said was unknown, as their words seemed to burst asunder
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as soon as let out-peculiar shells from wonderful mortars! And these two personages as far excelled poor Philip in noise, grimace, and incoherence, as he excelled in those qualities, a delicate divine of the nineteenth century, who reads a sleepy second-rate didactic discourse of a warm afternoon in dog-days, in Pompous Square church; and that when the Rev. Doctor Feminit fears the bronchitis.
And yet by this simple machinery, and well worked, in about two weeks our new lights had converted every man, woman, and child in Woodville, except Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton, and some other half dozen hardened sinners that would 'stout it out any how!" And now, from every house, alley, grove, orchard, resounded forth curious groans, outcries, yells, and other hell-a- beloo's of private prayer! For all this was called private prayer ! -the Scriptures, indeed, directing otherwise; but Barton Stone, and Campbell Stone can do much more with people out there than Peter Stone the apostle; and men naturally love the fanatical Pharisaism of pseudo-inspired teachers, councils and conclaves.
An opinion was held by most of our fanatics, that direct, earnest, and persevering prayer would result in the instantaneous conversion of any one in whose favour it was made; and of course to the most opposite creeds! This naturally led to some ridiculous consequences ; for it soon was argued that if an un- regenerate man could be got by any art or contrivance, or coaxing, to pray right earnestly for himself, and cry out loud and long for mercy, he would be immediately converted; nay, it was held to be efficacious if he could be forced by physical means to pray ! Hence among other things of the sort, one of our domestic chap- lains, a very large and fat man, now stirred up and enlivened by this visit of the good men, overtook a neighbour in the woods going to meeting, and after having in vain exhorted the person "to fall right down on his knees and cry for mercy," he suddenly leaped on the incorrigible rascal, and cast him to the earth ; and then getting astride the humbled sinner, he pressed him with the weight of 225lbs. avoirdupois, till he cried out with sufficient earnestness and intensity to "get religion !" Nor did this convert made by so novel a papistical engine fall away any sooner than most other converts mechanically forced, although by differ-
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ent contrivances-he hung on some weeks. Besides, if little children in western New-York were whipped with a rod into the kingdom of heaven, why should not a stout sinner, too big for that disciplne, be pommelled into the same kingdom in the New Purchase, by Bishop Paunch ?
And would not more persons have been converted to Oberlinism, Finneyism, or Abolitionism, or Anyism, if, after the manner with our new lights, folks had more frequently been characterized by their entire names and employments, when prayed for? Indeed, one distinguished lawyer in Western New-York, always ascribed his non-conversion, after innumerable prayers made for him in public, and even by name, to the unfortunate omission of his middle name !
Religious reader ! do not mistake us; we are laughing at Satan's delusions ! And we lived long enough to find true what we once heard a very learned, talented and pious minister of the Gospel say, that "all such excitements from false religions were sure to be followed by infidelity." Our evangelical churches were for a time deserted; our family altars abandoned; our domestic intercourse ruined; the Sabbath desecrated; the sacred name pro- faned, and his attributes sneered at; and avowed and flaming converts to fanaticism were, in two or three years after, reeling drunkards, midnight gamblers, open and unblushing atheists! Nay, assembled in a certain grog-shop-(out there appropriately called "a doggery")-three years after did some of the man-made converts form a horrible crew that tied up against the wall one of their party in a mock crucifixion !- and setting fire to rum poured on the floor, they called it-"the blazes of hell !! "
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But a religious incident reminds me of my friend, Insidias Cutswell, Esq. And his history adds to the many instances of self-education and self-elevation. His career, it was said by his political enemies, began with his being a musician to a caravan of travelling animals ; but it argues great intrinsic genius, that a man ever made the attempt to rise from such a life, and had skill and tact to use opportunities, by thousands in like circumstances suf- fered to pass unheeded. Rise, however, Mr. Cutswell did, till in all that country he stood intellectually pre-eminent, and was justly
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celebrated for learning, enterprise, skill in his legal profession, and, as a political leader. Since then he has stood on elevated pinnacles, both east and west ; and had his spiritual man been good as the intellectual, there would he be still standing ;- and perhaps higher. Contrary to the old saws, "virtue is its own reward" and "honesty is the best policy" moral excellency does not always meet with earthly rewards; but yet, the retirement of some talented men, is occasionally owing to moral causes rather than political ones. And hence, many lamented that this gentleman had not been as good as he was great.
Mr. C. was a good Latin and Greek scholar, and well acquainted with antiquities and other subjects cognate with the classics. He was deeply versed in the books of law, and extensively read in history, political economy, agriculture, architecture, chemistry, natural philosophy, and metaphysics; and he was, moreover, an excellent orator, using in his speeches the best language and with the just pronunciation.
But,1 my friend had two venial faults; one in common with most politicians out (?) there, and one peculiar to himself- maybe.
· The first of these, was selfishness, and its consequence moral cowardice. Hence, little reliance could be placed in Mr. Cutswell by his friends-his enemies had in this respect the advantage of his friends. And hence, he had continual resort to log-rolling ex- pedients ; to some of doubtful morality; and to some positively sinful, in order to acquire or retain political ascendancy. Still, he was the most sagacious man I ever knew at making political somersets ; for he turned so adroitly and so noiselessly, as to cheat the eyes of beholders, and make it doubtful often whether he was on his head or his feet; indeed, he kept such a continual whirl as to seem always in the same place, and yet he was always in a different one! Or to change figures, he never turned with the tide, but watching the symptoms of ebbs and flows he turned a little before the tide ; and thus, he always passed for a meritor-i- ous, patriotic, people-loving leader of the true and honest party- i. e. the strongest, instead of a rag-tag and bob tailed follower in
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1 But, is here an adversative conjunction : commonly employed after high praise of one's friends.
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search of loaves and fishes. Yea! he so managed that the world usually said "Well, Cutswell's friends have deserted him, poor fellow!"-when all the time Mr. Insidias Cutswell, poor fellow, had deserted them!
The other foible of his was a grand deportment put on like a cloak when he entered elevated society, but laid aside in his chambers or among the canaille. Doubtless this arose from a mis- taken notion of what constitutes good behaviour as he was passing from the grub to the winged state; and, maybe, to conceal that he had not always soared but sometimes creeped. For instance, nothing could transcend the pomp of his manner and dress on some occasions, when from home, unless a New Purchase "Gob- bler" in the gallanting season; and then his style of taking snuff when in full costume and under the eye of magnates, was equal to a Lord Chamberlain's-it made you sneeze to witness it!
First came an attitude-so grand !- it looked as if it had been studied on a cellar door under the windows of a print shop, from an engraving of Cook, or Kean, or Kemble in royal robes at the acme of his sublime! Oh! the magnificence of that look! And next, the polished box or fragrant sternutatory powder (which he took instead of snuff) would be extracted from the receptacle of an inner vest, a single finger and thumb being delicately in- sinuated for that duty; and the box thus withdrawn with so be- witching a grace would then be held a moment or two till my lord had completed some elaborate period, or till his deep interest in the absorbing nothings you were uttering should seem suspended by your own pausing. At that instant, his eye glancing in play- ful alternation from his friend's face to the box, he would perform a scale of rapid taps on the side of the box with the index finger of the dexter hand to wake up the sternutatory inmate; after which, modestly removing or opening the lid, he would, in the manner of Sacas, the Persian cup-bearer, first present the delicious aromatic for your touch, and then with his own finger and thumb a moment suspended in a pouncing position, he would suddenly dart on to the triturated essence and snatch hurriedly thence the tiniest portion possible. Arresting now his hand half way in its upward flight, the pinch downward yet at the tips of the finger and the thumb, he would for the last time look with an interesting
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