USA > Indiana > Monroe County > The new purchase : or, seven and a half years in the Far West > Part 37
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Here was maintained for some minutes the most edifying up- roar of shouting, bellowing, crying, clapping and stamping, mingled with hysterical laughing, termed out there "holy laugh- ing," and even dancing! and barking! called also "holy!"-till, at the partial subsidence of the bedlam, the orator resumed his eloquence.
It is singular Mr. S. overlooked an objection to the divine Providence arising from his own illustration. That children do sometimes perish by being burnt and drowned, is undeniable; yet is not their existence prevented-and that in the very case where the sisters were induced to say they would have prevented :
5 We substitute words in place of the divine names-irreverently used often in sermons and prayers.
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their existence! But, in justice to Mr. S., we must say that.he seemed to have anticipated the objection, and to have furnished the reply ; for, said he, in one part of his discourse, "God did not wish to foreknow some things !"
But our friend's mode of avoiding a predestined death-if such an absurdity be supposed-deserves all praise for the facility and simplicity of the contrivance. "Let us," said he, "for argu- ment's sake, grant that I, the Rev. Elder Sprightly, am foreor- dained to be drowned, in the River, at Smith's Ferry, next Thurs- day morning, at twenty-two minutes after ten o'clock; and sup- pose I know it; and suppose I am a free, moral, voluntary, ac- countable agent, as Calvinists say-do you think I'm going to be drowned? No !- I would stay at home all day; and you'll never ketch the Rev. Elder Sprightly at Smith's Ferry-nor near the river neither !"
Reader, is it any wonder Calvinism is on the decline? Logic it can stand; but human nature thus excited in opposition, it can- not stand. Hence, throughout our vast assembly to-day, this un- popular ism, in spite of Calvin and the Epistle to the Romans, was put down; if not by acclamation, yet by exclamation,-by shout- ing,-by roaring,-by groaning and hissing,-by clapping and stamping,-by laughing, and crying, and whining; and thus the end of the sermon was gained and the preacher glorified !
The introductory discourse in the afternoon was by the Rev. Remarkable Novus. This was a gentleman I had often the pleasure of entertaining at my house in Woodville ; and he was a Christian in sentiment and feeling: for though properly and de- cidedly a warm friend to his own sect, he was charitably disposed towards myself and others that differed from him ecclesiastically. His talents were moderate; but his voice was transcendentally ex- cellent. It was rich, deep, mellow, liquid and sonorous, and capa- ble of any inflections. It could preserve its melody in an un- ruffled flow, at a pitch far beyond the highest point reached by the best cultivated voices. His fancy, naturally capricious, was in- dulged without restraint ; yet not being a learned or well-read man, he mistook words for ideas, and hence employed without stint all the terms in his vocabulary for the commonest thoughts. He believed, too, like most of his brotherhood, that excitement and
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agitation were necessary to conversion and of the essence of re- ligion; and this, with a proneness to delight in the music and witchery of his own wonderful voice, made Mr. Novus an eccen- tric preacher, and induced him often to excel at camp-meetings, the very extravagances of his clerical brethren, whom more than once he has ridiculed and condemned at my fireside.
The camp-meeting was, in fact, too great a temptation for my friend's temperament, and the very theatre for the full display of his magnificant voice ; and naturally, this afternoon, off he set at a tangent, interrupting the current of his sermon by extempor- aneous bursts of warning, entreaty, and exhortation. Here is something like his discourse-yet done by me in a subdued tone- as, I repeat, are most extravaganzas of the ecclesiastical and spiritual sort not only here, but in all other parts of the work.
"My text, dear hearers," said he, "on this auspicious, and solemn, and heaven-ordered occasion, is that exhortation of the inspired apostle 'Walk worthy of your vocation.'"
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"And what, my dear brethren, what do you imagine and con- jecture our holy penman meant by 'walking?' Think ye he meant a physical walking, and a moving, and a going backward and for- ward thus ?- (represented by Mr. N.'s proceeding, or rather marching, a là militaire, several times from end to end of the staging.)-No! sirs !- it was not a literal walking and locomotion, a moving and agitating of the natural legs and limbs. No! sirs !- no !- but it was a moral, a spiritual, a religious, ay ! yes ! a philo- sophical and metaphorically figurative walking, our holy apostle meant !
"Philosophic, did I say? Yes : philosophic did I say. For re- ligion is the most philosophical thing in the universe-ay! throughout the whole expansive infinitude of the divine empire. Tell me, deluded infidels and mistaken unbelievers! tell me, ain't philosophy what's according to the consistency of Nature's regular laws? and what's more consentaneous and homogeneous to man's sublimated moral nature than religion? Yes, ! tell me ! Yes! yes! I am for a philosophical religion, and a philosophical religion is for me-ay ! we are mutually made and formed for this beautiful reciprocality !
"And yet some say we make too much noise-even some of our
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respected Woodville merchants-(meaning the author.)-But what's worth making a noise about in the dark mundane of our terrestrial sphere, if religion ain't? People always, and every- where in all places, make most noise about what they opine to be most precious. See! yon banner streaming with golden stars and glorious stripes over congregated troops on the fourth of July, that ever-memorable-that never-to-be-forgotten day, which cele- brates the grand annual anniversary of our nation's liberty and independence! when our forefathers and ancestors burst asunder and tore forever off the iron chains of political thraldom! and arose in plentitude, ay ! in the magnificence of their grandeur, and crushed their oppressors !- yes ! and hurled down dark despotism from the lofty pinnacle of its summit altitude, where she was seated on her liberty-crushing throne, and hurled her out of her iron chariot as her wheels thundered over the prostrate slaves of power !- (Amen !- hallelujah !)-Yes !- hark !- we make a noise about that ! But what's civil liberty to religious liberty, and emancipated disenthraldom from the dark despotism of yonder terrific prince of darkness! whose broad, black, piniony wings spread wide o'er the aerial concave, like a dense cloud upon a murky sky ?- (A-a-men !)-And ain't it, ye men of yards and measures, philosophical to make a noise about this ?- (Amen !- yes !)-Yes! yes! and I ain't ashamed to rejoice and shout aloud. Ay! as long as the prophet was ordered to stamp with his foot, I will stamp with my foot ;- (here he stamped till the platform trembled for its safely,)-and to smite with his hand, I will smite with my hand-(slapping alternate hands on alternate thighs.)- Yes! and I will shout too !- and cry aloud and spare not-glory ! for-ever !- (and here his voice rang out like the sweet, clear tones of a bugle).
"And, therefore, my dear sisters and brethren, let us walk worthy of our vocation ; not with the natural legs of the physical corporation, but in the apostolical way, with the metaphysical and figurative legs of the mind,-(here Mr. N. caught some one smil- ing) .- Take care, sinner, take care! curl not the scornful nose- I'm willing to be a fool for religion's sake-but turn not up the scornful nose-do its ministers no harm! Sinner! mark me !- in yon deep and tangled grove, where tall aspiring trees wave green
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and lofty heads in the free air of balmy skies-there, sinner, an hour ago, when the sonorous horn called on our embattled hosts to go to private prayer ! an hour ago, in yonder grove I knelt and prayed for you !- (hooh !)-yes ! I prayed some poor soul might be given for my hire !- and he promised me one !- (Glory ! glory ! --- ah! give him one!)-Laughing sinner !- take care !- I'll have you !- (Grant it-amen !- ooohoo!) Look out, I'm going to fire ! -(assuming the attitude of rifle-shooting)-bang !- may He send that through your heart !- may it pierce clean home through joints and marrow !- and let all the people say Amen !- (and here amen was said, and not in the tame style of the American Archbishop of Canterbury's cathedral, be assured; but whether the spiritual bullet hit the chap aimed at, I never learned; if it did, his groans were inaudible in the alarming thunder of that Amen.)
"Ay! ay! that's the way! that's the way! don't be ashamed of your vocation-that's the way to walk and let your light shine! Now some wise folks despise light and call for miracles : but when we can't have one kind of light, let us be philosophical and take another. For my part, when I'm bogging about these dark woods, far away in the silent sombre shadows, I rejoice in sunshine; and would prefer it of choice rather than all other celestial and trans- lucent luminaries : but when the gentle fanning zephyrs of the shadowy night breathe soft among the trembling leaves and sprays of the darkening forests, then I rejoice in moonshine : and when the moonshine dims and pales away with the waning silvery queen of heaven in her azure zone, I look up to the blue concave of the circular vault and rejoice in star light. No! no! No! any light !- give us any light rather than none !- (Ah, do, good Lord !) Yes! yes ! we are the light of the world, and so let us let our light shine, whether sunshine, or moonshine, or star light !- (oohoo!) -and then the poor benighted sinner, bogging about this terra- queous, but dark and mundane sphere, will have a light like a pole star of the distant north, to point and guide him to the sun-lit climes of yonder world of bright and blazing bliss !"- (A-a-a-amen !)
Such is part of the sermon. His concluding prayer ended thus :- (Divine names omitted.)
"Oh! come down! come, come down! down! now !- to-night ! !.
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-- do wonders then! come down in might! come down in power! iet salvation roll! Come down! come! and let the earthquaking mighty noise of thy thundering chariot wheels be heard and felt and seen and experienced in the warring elements of our spirit- ualized hearts !"
During the prayer, many petitions and expressions were so rapturously and decidedly encored, that our friend kindly re- peated them; and sometimes, like public singers, with handsome variations : and many petitions by amateur zealots were put forth, without any notice of the current prayer offered by Mr. N., yet evidently having in view some elegancy of his sermon. And not a few petitions, I regret to say, seemed to misapprehend the drift and scope of the preacher. One of this sort was the earnest ejaculations of an old and worthy brother, who in a hol- low, sepulchral, and rather growly voice, bellowed out in a very beautiful part of the grand prayer-"Oohhoo! take away moonshine!"
But our finest performance was to be at night : and at the first toot of the tin horn, we assembled in expectation of a "good time." For I. All day preparation had been making for the night; and the actors seemed evidently in restraint as in mere rehearsal: 2. the night suits better displays and scenes of any kind : but 3. the African was to preach; and rumour had said, "he was a most powerful big preacher that could stir up folks mighty quick, and use up the ole feller in less than no time."
After prefatory prayers and hymns, and pithy exhortations by several brothers of the Caucasian breed, our dusky divine, the Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the duel between David and Goliath.
This discourse we shall condense into a few pages ; although the comedy or mellow-drama-(for it greatly mellowed and relaxed the muscles)-required for its entire action a full hour. There was, indeed, a prologue; but the rest was mainly dialogue, in which Mr. Ham wonderfully personated all the different speakers, varying his tone, manner, attitude, &c., as varying characters and circumstances demanded. We fear much of the spirit has evapo- rated in this condensation ; but that evil is unavoidable.
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REV. MIZRAIM HAM'S DISCOURSE.
"Bruthurn and sisturn, tention, if you please, while I want you for to understand this here battul most purtiklur 'zact or may be you moughtn't comprend 'um. Furst place, I'm gwyin to un- devur to sarcumscribe fust the 'cashin of this here battul: second place, the 'comdashins of the armies: third place, the folkses as was gwyin for to fite and didn't want to, and some did: and last and fourth place, I'm gwyin for to show purtiklur 'zact them as fit juul, and git victry and git kily'd.
"Tention, if you pleases, while I fustly sarcumscribe the 'casion of this here battul. Bruthurn and sisturn, you see them thar hethun Fillystines, what warnt circumcised, they wants to ketch King Sol and his 'ar folks for to make um slave: and so they cums down to pick a quorl, and begins a totin off all their cawn, and wouldn't 'low um to make no hoes to ho um, nor no homnee. And that 'ar, you ses, stick in King Solsis gizurd ; and he ups and says, says he, 'I'm not gwying to be used up that 'ar away by them uncircumcis'd hethun Fillystines, and let um tote off our folkses cawn to chuck to thar hogs, and take away our hoes so we can't hoe um-and so, Jonathum, we'll drum up and list soljurs and try um a battul.' And then King Sol and his 'ar folks they goes up, and the hethun and theirn comes down and makes war. And this is the 'cashin why they fit.
"Tention 'gin, if you pleases, I'm gwyin in the next place secondly, to show the 'comdashins of this here battul, which was so fashin like. The Filystines they had thar army up thar on a mounting, and King Sol he had hissin over thar, like across a branch, amoss like that a one thar-(pointing)-and it was chuck full of sling rock all along on the bottom. And so they was both on um camp'd out ; this a one on this 'ar side, and tother a one on tother, and the lilly branch tween um-and them's the comdashins.
"Tention once more agin, as 'caze next place thirdly I'm a gwyin to give purtiklur 'zact 'count of sum folkeses what fit and sum didn't want to. And, lubly sinnahs, maybe you minds um, as how King Sol, and his soljurs was pepper hot for fite when he fust liss um; but now, lubly sinnahs, when they gits up to the Fillystines, they cool off mighty quick, I tell you! 'Caze why? I
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tell you; why, 'caze a grate, big, ugly ole jiunt, with grate big eyes, so fashin-(Mr. Ham made giant's eyes here)-he kums a rampin out afrunt o' them 'ar rigiments, like the ole devul a gwyin about like, a half-starv'd lion a seeking to devour poor lubly sinnahs! And he cum a jumpin and a tearin out so fashin- (actions to suit)-to git sum of King Solsis soljurs to fite um juul: and King Sol, lubly bruthurn and sisturn, he gits sker'd mighty quick, and he says to Jonathun and tother big officers, says he-'I ain't a gwyin for to fite that grate big fellah.' And arter that they ups and says-'We ain't a gwyin for to fite um nuthur, 'caze he's all kiver'd with sheetirun, and his head's up so high we muss stand a hoss back to reach um!'-the jiunt he was so big !!
"And then King Sol he quite down in the jaw, and he turn and ax if somebody wouldn't hunt up a soljur as would fite juul with um; and he'd give um his dawtah, the prinsuss, for wife, and make um king's son-in-law. And then one ole koretur, they call him Abnah, he comes up and say to Sol so: 'Please your majuste, sir, I kin git a young fellah to fite um,' says he. And Abnah tells how Davy had jist rid up in his carruge and left um with the man what tend the hossis-and how he heern Davy a quorl'n with his bruthurs and a wantum to fite the jiunt. Then King Sol, he feel mighty glad, I tell you, sinnahs, and he make um bring um up, and King Sol he begins a talkin so, and Davy he answers so :-
" 'What's your name, lilly fellah ?'
"'I was crissen'd Davy.'
" 'Whose your farder?'
"'They call um Jesse.'
" 'What you follur for livin?'
"'I tend my farder's-sheep.'
" 'What you kum arter? Ain't you affeerd of that 'ar grate ugly ole jiunt up thar, lilly Davy ?'
"'I kum to see arter my udder brudurs, and bring um in our carruge some cheese and muttun, and some clene shirt and trowsur, and have tother ones wash'd. And when I kum I hear ole Goliawh a hollerin out for somebody to cum and fite juul with um: and all the soljurs round thar they begins for to make traks mighty quick, I tell you, please your majuste, sir, for thar tents ; but, says I, what you run for? I'm not a gwyin for to run
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away-if King Sol wants some body for to fite the jiunt, I'll fit um for um.'
" 'I mighty feerd, lilly Davy, you too leetul for um-'
"'No! King Sol, I kin lick um. One day I gits asleep ahind a rock, and out kums a lion and a bawr, and begins a totin off a lilly lam; and when I heern um roarin and pawin 'bout, I rubs my eyes and sees um gwyin to the mountings-and I arter and ketch'd up and kill um both without no gun nor sword-and I bring back poor lilly lam. I kin lick ole Goliawh, I tell you, please your majuste, sir.'
"Then King Sol he wery glad, and pat um on the head, and calls um 'lilly Davy,' and wants to put on um his own armur made of brass and sheetirun, and to take his sword, but Davy didn't like um, but said he'd trust to his sling. And then out he goes to fite the ole jiunt ; and this 'ar brings me to the fourth and last diwishin of our surmun.
"Tention once more agin' for lass time, as I'm gwyin to give most purtikuurlust 'zactest 'count of the juul atween lilly Davy and ole Goliawh the jiunt, to show, lubly sinnah! how the Lord's peepul without no carnul gun nor a sword, can fite ole Bellzybub and knock um over with the sling rock of prayer, as lilly Davy knock over Goliawh with hissin out of the Branch.
"And to 'lusterut the juul and make um spikus, I'll show 'zactly how they talk'd, and jawd, and fit it all out : and so ole Goliawh when he see Davy a kumun, he hollurs out so, and lilly Davy he say back so :-
"What you kum for, lilly Jew ?- "
"What I kum for! you'll find out mighty quick, I tell you-I kum for fite juul -- "
"Huhh! huhh ! haw !- 'tink I'm gwyin to fite puttee lilly baby ? I want king Sol or Abnah, or a big soljur man-"
"Hole your jaw-I'll make you laugh tother side, ole grizzle- gruzzle, 'rectly,-I'm man enough for biggest jiunt Fillystine."
"Go way, poor lilly boy! go home, lilly baby, to your mudder, and git sugar plum- I no want kill puttee lilly boy ----- "
"Kum on !- dont be afeerd !- dont go for to run away !- I'll ketch you and lick you -- "
"You d-n leetul raskul-I'll kuss you by all our gods-I'll cut
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out your sassy tung "-I'll break your blackguard jaw,-I'll rip you up and give um to the dogs and crows-"
"Don't kuss so, ole Golly! I 'sposed you wanted to fite juul-so kum on with your old irun-pot hat on-you'll git belly full mighty. quick-"
"You nasty leetul raskul, I'll kum and kill you dead as chopped sassudge."
Here the preacher represented the advance of the parties; and gave a florid and wonderfully effective description of the closing act partly by words and partly by pantomime; exhibiting innum- erable marches and counter-marches to get to windward, and all the postures, and gestures, and defiances, till at last he personated David putting his hand into a bag for a stone :- and then making his cotton handkerchief into a sling, he whirled it with fury half a dozen times around his head, and then let fly with much skill at Goliath; and at the same instant halloing with the phrenzy of a madman-"Hurraw! for lilly Davy !" At that cry he, with his left hand, struck himself a violent slap on the forehead, to represent the blow of the sling stone hitting the giant; and then in person of Goliath he dropped quasi dead upon the platform amid the deafening plaudits of the congregation ; all of whom, some spirit -. ually, some sympathetically, and some carnally, took up the preach- er's triumph shout-
"Hurraw! for lilly Davy."
How the Rev. Mizraim Ham made his exit from the boards I could not see-perhaps he rolled or crawled off. But he did not suffer decapitation, like "ole Golly:" since, in ten minutes, his woolly pate suddenly popped up among the other sacred heads that were visible over the front railing of the rostrum, as all kept moving to and fro in the wild tossings of religious phrenzy.
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Scarcely had Mr. Ham fallen at his post, when a venerable old warrior, with matchless intrepidity, stepped into the vacated spot ; and without a sign of fear carried on the contest against the Arch Fiend, whose great ally had been so recently overthrown- i. e. Goliath (not Mr. Ham). Yet excited, as evidently was this veteran, he still could not forego his usual introduction stating how
6 Mr. Ham prefered Webster's Dictionary-which spells according to . nature.
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old he was; where he was born; where he obtained religion ; how long he had been a preacher ; how many miles he had travelled in a year; and when he buried his wife :- all of which edifying truths were received with the usual applauses of a devout and enlightened assembly. But this introduction over (which did not occupy more than fifteen or twenty minutes) ; he began his at- tack in fine style, waxing louder and louder as he proceeded, till he exceeded all the old gentlemen to "holler" I ever heard, and indeed old ladies either.
EXTRACT FROM HIS DISCOURSE.
-Yes, sinners! you'll all have to fall and be knock'd down some time or nuther, like the great giant we've heern tell on, when the Lord's sarvints come and fight agin you! Oho! sinner ! sinner-oh !- I hope you may be knock'd down to night-now !- this moment-and afore you die and go to judg- ment! Yes, oho! yes ! oh !- I say judgment-for it's appinted once to die and then the jugdment-oho! oh! And what a time ther'll be then! You'll see, all these here trees-and them 'are stars, and yonder silver moon a fire !- and all the alliments a meltin and runnin down with fervent heat-ah!"-(I have else- where stated that the unlearned preachers out there ( ?) are by the vulgar-[not the poor]-but the vulgar, supposed to be more favoured in preaching than man-made preachers; and that the sign of an unlearned preacher's inspiration being in full blast is his inhalations, which puts an -ah! to the end of sentences, mem- bers, words, and even exclamations, till his breath is all gone, and no more can be sucked in)-"Oho! hoah ! fervent heat-ah !- and the trumpit a soundin-ah !- and the dead arisin-ah !- and all on us a flyin-ah !- to be judged-ah !- Oohoah ! sinner-sinner-sinner- ah! And what do I see away tharah !- down the Massissipp-ah !- thar's a man jist done a killin-ah !- another-ah !- and up he goes with his bloody dagger-ah! And what's that I see to the East-ah ! where proud folks live clothed in purple-ah ! and fine linen-ah !- I see 'em round a table a drinkin a decoction of Indian herb-ah! -and up they go with cups in thar hands-ah ! and see-ohoah !- see ! in yonder doggery some a dancin-ah ! and a fiddlin-ah !- and up they go-ah ! with cards ah ! and fiddle-ah !" &c. &c.
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Here the tempest around drowned the voice of the old hero: although, from the frantic violence of his gestures, the frightful distortion of his features, and the Pythonic foam of his mouth, he was plainly blazing away at the enemy. The uproar, however, so far subsided as to allow my hearing his closing exhortation, which was this :
"-Yes I say-fall down-fall down all of you, on your knees !- shout !- cry aloud !- spare not !- stamp with the foot !- smite with the hand !- down ! down !- that's it !- down brethren ! -down preachers !- down sisters !- pray away ! take it by storm ! fire away! fire away ! not one at a time! not two together-ah !- a single shot the devil will dodge-ah !- give it to him all at once- fire a whole platoon !- at him !! "
And then such platoon firing as followed! If Satan stood that, he can stand much more than the worthy folks thought he could. And, indeed, the effect was wonderful !- more than forty thought- less sinners that came for fun, and twice as many backsliders were instantly knocked over !- and there all lay, some with violent jerkings and writhings of body, and some uttering the most pierc- ing and dismaying shrieks and groans! The fact is, I was nearly knocked down myself-
"You ?- Mr. Carlton !! "
Yes,-indeed-but not by the hail of spiritual shot falling so thick around me: it was by a sudden rush towards my station, where I stood mounted on a stump. And this rush was occasioned by a wish to see a stout fellow lying on the straw in the pen, a little to my left, groaning and praying, and yet kicking and pum- melling away as if scuffling with a sturdy antagonist. Near him were several men and women at prayer, and one or more whis- pering into his ear ; while on a small stump above, stood a person superintending the contest, and so as to ensure victory to the right party. Now the prostrate man, 'who like a spirited tom-cat seemed to fight best on his back, was no other than our celebrated New Purchase bully-Rowdy Bill! And this being reported through the congregation, the rush had taken place by which I was so nearly overturned. I contrived, however, to regain my stand shared indeed, now, with several others, we hugging one another and standing on tip-toes and our necks elongated as possi- ble ; and thus we managed to have a pretty fair view of matters.
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