USA > Indiana > Monroe County > The new purchase : or, seven and a half years in the Far West > Part 38
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About this time the Superintendent in a very loud voice cried out,-"Let him alone, brothers! let him alone sisters !- keep on praying !- it's a hard fight-the devil's got a tight grip yet! He don't want to lose poor Bill-but he'll let go soon-Bill's gittin the better on him fast !- Pray away!"
Rowdy Bill, be it known, was famous as a gouger, and so expert was he in his antioptical vocation, that in a few moments he usually bored out an antagonist's eyes, or made him cry peccavi. Indeed, could he, on the present occasion, have laid hold of his unseen foe's head (spiritually we mean), he would (figuratively of course) soon have caused him to ease off or let go entirely his metaphorical grip. So, however, thought one friend in the as- sembly-Bill's wife. For Bill was a man after her own heart; and she often said that "with fair play she sentimentally allowed her Bill could lick ary a man in the 'varsal world, and his weight in wild cats to boot." Hence, the kind hearted creature, hearing that Bill was actually fighting with the devil, had pressed in from the outskirts to see fair play ; but now hearing Bill was in reality down, and apparently undermost, and above all, the words of the superintendent, declaring that the fiend had a tight grip of the poor fellow, her excitement would no longer be controlled; and, collecting her vocal energies, she screamed out her common ex- hortation to Bill, and which, when heeded, had heretofore secured him immediate victories-"Gouge him, Billy !- gouge him, Billy! -gouge him!"
This spirited exclamation was instantly shouted by Bill's cronies and partisans-mischievously, maybe, for we have no right to judge of men's motives, in meetings :- but a few (friends doubt- less of the old fellow), cried out in a very irreverent tone- "Bite him! devil-bite him! Upon which, the faithful, wife, in a tone of voice that beggars description, reiterated her-"Gouge him," &c .- in which she was again joined by her husband's allies, and that to the alarm of his invisible foe; for Bill now rose to his knees, and on uttering some mystic jargon symptomatic of conver- sion, he was said to have "got religion;" -- and then all his new friends and spiritual guides united in fresh prayers and shouts of thanksgiving.
It was now very late at night; and joining a few other citizens
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of Woodville, we were soon in our saddles and buried in the darkness of the forest. For a long time, however, the uproar of the spiritual elements at the camp continued at intervals to swell and diminish on the hearing; and, often came a yell that rose far above the united din of other screams and outcries. Nay, at the distance of nearly two miles, could be distinguished a re- markable and sonorous oh !- like the faintly heard explosion of a mighty elocutional class practising under a master. And yet my comrades, who had heard this peculiar cry more than once, all declared that this wonderful oh-ing was performed by the separate voice of our townsman, Eolus Letherlung, Esq. !
At length the din died sullenly away, like the indistinct mutter of a retiring hurricane! But for that night and the next day, the scenes and cries of the camp were vivid before my eyes and ring- ing in my ears; and more than once, in night dreams, appeared Rowdy Bill dressed in his wife's cap and short-gown, and stand- ing on the breast of Goliath; while near stood a dwarf negro with two heads, flourishing in his hand a corn-hoe, and crying from both his mouths-"Gouge him! Billy, gouge him!"
Next day (as I was told by an eye-witness and in triumph), the new converts, amounting to more than two hundred !! were all paraded and marched around the camp-grounds, under the appellation of "virgins following the Lamb!"-after which, they were enrolled and acknowledged as "trophies snatched from Satan!" It being impossible, therefore, to gainsay facts, I was constrained, spite of my latent hostility to certain Big Meetings, to acknowledge to my friend, who insisted on my immediate and honest answer, to acknowledge that :-
A camp-meeting was, all things considered, the very best con- trivance and means for making the largest number of converts in the shortest possible time; and also for enlarging most speedily the bounds of a Church Visible and Militant.
CHAPTER XLIX.
"Amor vincit omnia" "Love laughs at locksmiths !"
OUR present chapter treats of love and matrimony.
Doubtless it has occurred to the reader, that John Glenville is yet a bachelor and ought to be looking out for a wife. Now, although John was never over head and ears in love, he yet was always falling into it-knee deep at least ; but as yet, he had never found anybody for helpmeet, though several were disposed to be help-mates.
My friend had, indeed, often gone "a gallin" among our log- cabin beauties ; and sometimes received answers so serious to his sportive questions as to make his backing out very difficult and un- graceful. For instance, he once accompanied Peggy home from a might meeting; and on reaching the cabin she paused a moment by the wood pile, when John playfully said :
"Well, Peggy, I've a notion to go in and court awhile, what do you say to it?"
"Well-maybe you mought and maybe you moughtn't-"
"Why? has anybody cut me out?"
- "Hey ?! "
"Perhaps somebody else is gallin down here?"
"Perhaps thar is, and perhaps thar isn't."
"Awh! come Peggy do tell me."
Here Peggy looked down in some perplexity, as balancing un- certainties, and after kicking up a large heap of chips with the toe of her shoe, she seemed to have arrived at the conclusion-"a bird in the hand," &c .- and, therefore modestly answered :-
"Well! John-I'm a kinder sorter courted like, and a kinder sorter not like,-but I'm more a kinder sorter not, nor a kinder sorter-and I allow you'd better step in and see daddy ; tain't late -although mammy's in bed."
Of course, John got out as awkwardly as we end his adventure.
But once Glenville was caught more effectually and much more to his surprise; and yet, he backed out with some ingenuity. The lady, however, had ultimately her revenge. He was on a visit
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of business in an adjoining state, when he was invited by the celebrated Mr. Brown to spend a few days at his house. Here he became naturally interested in Miss Brown, the daughter-a young lady of some beauty, of much good nature, of good talents, and mistress of many useful acquirements beside several ornamental branches.
In an unguarded moment, John sportively popped the ques- tion, or rather popped at the question, by wondering how Miss B. would like to live in a cabin with such a Hoosier as himself ; to which Paddy's hint, Miss B. too seriously intimated that Mr. G. had better consult her father on such points. Now, generous reader, Glenville was by no means ready to forsake father and mother at that time; and the cabin alluded to, was so open and unchinked, that poverty could easily enough have crept in all around, and love gone flying out through an hundred crevices in addition to the doors and window. In plain English, the fellow was too poor to ask any woman to share his poverty ; unless she belonged to the Range, was used "to chinkin and daubin, and to makin huntin shirts and lether brichis:" hence after musing on the affair the whole night, he seized an opportunity the next morning of renewing with Miss B. the colloquy of the previous afternoon. In this he painted in true colours, the cheerlessness of his rude cabin and his half hunter's life, and the privations and sufferings to which such a man's wife would necessarily be subjected; and then, with some ingenuity (certainly with some boldness), he wished to know if such a man ought to ask any kind parent, in affluent circumstances, to send away an amiable and beloved daughter.
To his relief, Miss B., with a slight betrayal of surprise,- (John said "mortification,")-agreed with him; but after this his situation was so awkward, that he left Mr. Brown's mansion that very day. Here, therefore, is another proof that some things can be done as well as others; and while this affair is not quite so odd as that of Deerslayer and Judith,1 yet it shows the difference be- tween truth and fiction.
Well, the present winter, Glenville being often on visits to Woodville, and circumstances existing to alter cases, we fre- 1 See Fenimore Cooper's "The Deerslayer."
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quently rallied the bachelor on his courtships; and more than once, in full assembly, voted that he must and should forthwith go and find a wife. To all this, he opposed the stale replies, that- he was too old now-could find nobody to suit him-and that such as would suit would not have him,-till at last he consented, if I could find the proper person, and persuade her to have him, he would marry.
Accordingly, one night after such a discussion, Glenville and myself sat alone by the fire, when the following talk went on in continuation of the subject :-
"But, Glenville, are you really serious?"
"Yes, Carlton, I am really serious."
"Still, you would not marry if you did not love?"
"Well-I'm not quite so sure there. At all events, I shall easily love any girl you will choose-especially if you choose Miss Brown."
"Come, John, be candid-did you ever truly love her?"
"More, perhaps, than I ever loved any one before, or ever shall again."
"And why did you back out so foolishly ?"
"For the very reasons I have a thousand times told you. I was too poor-my home too utterly dreary to take such a girl to -- and if I had ever dreamed my jesting manner would have been mistaken, I should have been far enough from trifling with her --_ "
"Suppose she had seemed willing next morning?"
"I would have consulted her father, unquestionably-but for the daughter's sake, I should have regretted his consent."
"Well, Glenville, what do you say to Miss Smythe ?- I think she feels tender towards you."
"She would do :- and with a little practice I should love her as well as most men love their wives. But Carlton, the Squire, has been cutting round there the last six months, and-"
"No odds-suppose you try?"
"Willingly, if I thought there was any chance; but, in the first place, maybe she's engaged-next, maybe she might not want me -and so I do not like to lose my time and run risk, and-"
"Tut! tut !- you need not waste any time; for I'll write a love-
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letter for you; and as to the other objection, I'll bet a coon skin you're too modest, and the girl, if disengaged, will have you."
"Carlton !- will you write such a letter? If you will, I'll deliver it."
"Done !- and I'll write you as many more as you like."
"Suppose, then, you do another for Miss Brown? and so I shall have two snaps."
"Agreed-when shall I do them?"
"Any time between this and next Saturday. I shall be in Wood- ville then, you know-so 'tis settled,-come, I'm tired, let's go to bed."
The two letters were duly concocted, the first one to be de- livered to Miss Smythe,2 the other, in case of the first failing, was to be sent to Miss Brown; but if Miss S. was disengaged and smiled propitious, John was, to all intents and purposes, a mar- ried man ; and Miss Brown was to have no opportunity of revenge.
The letter for Miss Smythe was as follows :-
"MISS E. A. SMYTHE,
"A knowledge of your character, derived from mutual friends, from the opinion of all your acquaintances, and also from a some- what intimate personal acquaintance, induces me to believe that such a lady would fill the vacancy in my domestic establishment most perfectly and delightfully :- although I am not vain enough to suppose Miss Smythe will necessarily feel herself flattered by such a preference on the part of the writer. As, however, Miss S. on better acquaintance, might become interested in him- more so at least than he fears she is at present-he very respect- fully, yet most earnestly, craves permission to pay his addresses in person.
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"Very truly, your humble servant, "But great admirer, JOHN GLENVILLE."
The letter to Miss Brown, or rather for her, as it was ad- dressed to the father, was this :-
"My dear sir,
"In a playful conversation on a subject so common when un-
2 She was distantly related to the Smiths in the city, and their kinsfolks the Smythes.
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married persons meet, your daughter, Miss Brown, in a jesting. manner, remarked, that she always referred gentlemen to her father-as his choice would always be hers. What was jest with her, with me would have become very solemn earnest, had I had then to offer any thing beyond my hand and my heart, to induce such a girl to leave such a home. Happily, circumstances are now favourably altered ; and willingly now would I ask that father for his daughter could I flatter myself the daughter could be induced to gladden and adorn a hearth, which, however warm in one sense, must be yet cold and cheerless without the love of a bosom friend. And such a friend would Miss Brown prove :- and, dear sir, if you think such a match suitable for your lovely daughter, I sin- cerely entreat the communication of your favourable opinion to her in my behalf-hoping that the daughter's choice then may be as the father's.
"I have sir, the honour to be
"Your obedient servant,
"J. GLENVILLE."
On Saturday Glenville came; when after reading, criticising, correcting, and laughing, he took copies of the letters; it being arranged, that he put one in each coat pocket, and on waiting next day on Miss Smythe from church, he should, at a proper time, hand her the proper letter. And all this he accordingly did, and with no greater blunder than putting his hand into the Brown pocket, and pulling out the wrong letter-which, if he had also delivered it to Miss Smythe, would have made our book still more interesting-but he fortunately corrected his error in time, and prevented a very handsome laugh at our expense.
To save Miss S. the awkwardness of a special messenger, and to avoid prying eyes at the post-office, Glenville, on bowing adieu at the lady's door, stated that he would call in person next morning for an answer. At that time, therefore, after lots of speculating as to the style and manner of the answer, Glenville, with Miss Brown's letter in his pocket, and anxious not to be too early for the lady's convenience, nor too late for the ardent affection he intended to have, marched off very bravely, looking back once or twice and shaking his fist as he caught sight of our cachinating faces.
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Well, in due season he returned-but what pen or pencil can give the odd expression of that face!
"Well, Glenville, what luck?"-(Can I ever forget the pecu- liar intonation, emphasis, inflection of that answer?)
"Engaged !"
"Is it possible !- but if she had not been, what then?"
"Bah !- do you think I asked her?"
"Why not ?- I should like to know what she thinks of you."
"Why not !!- in case she did not fancy me, was I going to suffer a double refusal, when one is decisive?"
"Haw! ha! he!3 what have you done with Miss Brown's letter ?"
"Dropp'd it in the office as I came along; and there's a chance for Miss Brown to have her revenge. Bet a dollar she says no!"
The case of my friend was like that of the school boy, who described his disappointment in a composition, which we shall here introduce to fill up the time till the return mail.
"COMPOSITION ON HUNTING."
"The other morning I went out a hunting with father's duck- gun what he brung out from Kentucky ; but as I had no luck, I allowed I might as well put off for home; and so I turn about and goes towards home. As I come to the edge of our clearin, what should I see away off on the top of a dead walnut, but a black crow! And so I makes up my mind to try and hit him. The critter was more nor three hundred yards from me; but I insinu- ates myself along as near as two hundred yards to the feller ; when he begins a showing signs of flittin : and so I trees where I was in a minute. Well, I determines to try him there, although 'twas near as good as desperut to try a black crow that distance with a shot-gun ; although father's duck-gun's the most powerful shot- gun in the Purchis. Howsomdever, I wanted the load out; and I thought I might as well fire that a way as any other-and so up I draws the piece very careful, and begins a taking aim, thinking all the while I shouldn't hit him: still I tuk the most exactest aim, as if I should; when just then he hops about two nearer my way, as if to get a look round my tree, where he
3 We do not expect the reader to laugh here, unless he is so disposed --- I only laughed at the time because I could not help it.
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smelt powder-and then, thinking all the time, as I said, I shouldn't hit him, as the distance was so most powerful fur, I blazed away! -and sure enough, as I'm alive-I didn't hit him!"
Now Glenville, from the distance of his second shot, insisted he should never hit: yet how near he came may be conjectured from the following replies to his epistle :-
"JOHN GLENVILLE, EsQ.,-
"Dear Sir-
* and the inclosed * from my daughter, to whom was handed your late communica- tion, contains, I presume, the most satisfactory answer,
* and * *
*
"Yours, very respectfully, &c. "REDMAN GREEN BROWN.
Now, this sentence in the envelope containing a sealed letter from Miss Brown, brought "the crow about two feet nearer:" and John's eyes began to sparkle, although he continued humbly affirming that the sealed epistle contained-"No!"
"SIR :-
"I honour you for honesty, as I am satisfied you assign true reasons for not taking one to share your home; although the reasons themselves can never seem satisfactory where one was willing to share another's heart. For, like most girls in their days of romance, that one cared to find only a heart when she married. As my own home is sufficiently comfortable, there can be no in- ducement to wish another, however comfortable, in the New Purchase; and where its owner seems to think ‘altered circum- stances' are important in winning a woman's love. But to show that kindness is estimated that would spare my delicacy, by leading my dear father to think all our conversation had been sportive, I do hereby most cordially-(here John looked! oh! I tell you what !)-invite you to our Christmas festivities, when the writer changes her name from Mary Brown to Mary Burleigh."
"There, Carlton! I told you so-I said it would be-no! And yet secretly did I wish-ay! do wish it now-that the answer could be-yes! I am glad the girl has her revenge; but still I have known too many hardships not to feel happy in the re- · flection, that one I did love a little, and could now love a great deal, has never been called to share them."
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And so after all, reader, our chapter ends without a, wedding ! proving how hard it is to get an old bachelor married. Another year we may, perhaps, be more successful.
CHAPTER L.
FIFTH YEAR.
"The three R's-Readin, Ritin, Rithmetic."
London Alderman's Toast.
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"I saw a smith stand with his hammer thus- The whilst his iron did on the anvil cool, With open mouth swallowing a tailor's news."
A GREAT quarrel between the Rev. C. Clarence and the Com- monwealth of Woodville, was in reference to the kind of educa- tion fit for Hoosiers, Woolverines, and other true democrats. Our man of learning contended for a liberal and thorough discipline of the mind; while we insisted on a practical education. He argued that no course of education paid for by the government, ought to have exclusive regard to any class, or to any one art, trade, or profession : but that where the State furnished the means, the best intellectual education should be given both to the poor and the rich. Nay, he even affirmed that men ought not to be trained as mere Americans, and much less as mere western or eastern citi- zens; but as men of the world, as gentlemen, as Christians.
About this time Mind, having been accommodated with a pair of legs, and the said legs being fitted with seven league boots, had marched our way, and was now marking time very furiously in the Purchase. Indeed, we began to be born in circumstances favourable to sucking in thought, or something else, from ma- ternal breasts : and by aid of patent books and machinery, we now obtained as much knowledge by the time we could carry a rifle, or tree a raccoon, as our grandmothers had acquired in a long life ! And all this was real American, United States' learning !- useful, practical stuff !- such as would enable a fellow to get his own. bread and butter ; or in New Purchase terms, his hog and hominy !
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In the far east, it is true, circumstances demanded many knowl- edges-chemistry, botany, anatomy, conchology, bugology, insect- ology, phrenology, animal magnetism,-any one of which science, or no science, could, in the improved era, be mastered by hearing three lectures and reading one pamphlet, and all of them in a few weeks; at least, all that was practical and useful to gain money with : for so nut-shelly had all books and subjects become, that all could be even cracked and devoured in infant schools! Yea! and any teacher could administer a rich and nutritious literary pap, that made children bloat right up-and till they perspired knowledges through their very pores! And yea! again, till every body has been taught every thing-and curiosity itself is satiated !- and the Mind having had a long and wearisome march, and a toilsome beating of time, has drawn off its boots and is laid down in a deep and death-like repose! But in the Purchase, utility required little beyond the learned alderman's R. R. R .; except a little "Jogafree," and "Surveyin" enough to run lines around a quarter section : which were "naterally allowed to be a sorter useful like."
Nor was our inference to be blamed, if education be, as it has been made for the last twenty-five years, and is to be made for the next fifty, thing of utility, latitudes and meridians; for we New Purchase folks lived, not as folks at Boston, or New-York; and did not, hence, need the same kind of education. Nor cared we for other people's notions, being content with our own. If the Great-North-American-United-States Theories and Systems are founded in true philosophy, then the Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. should have come down from his stilts, and become popular and useful, and have educated us as we wished, and not as we ought to be. And many were the friends he would have bought ; ay, and he could have made some money too, had he spoken in favour of Patent Picture Books that represented truth and falsehood too, enigmatically; and had he abused classical learning! Had he delivered Taylorian twattle! or sent two boxes of dried bugs! or a chest of flints ! with a pair of globes, a double wooden cone, and other toys to common schools! And had he not advocated heathen establishments, where poor darling children read about Jupiter, and Venus, and other he and she divinities, instead of
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those noble, man-confiding, common schools, which in some places so abhor all gods, as to acknowledge none either by public prayer, or the reading of a Divine Revelation !
Fortunate times ! when a politician may acquire reputation for all learning, and patriotism, and wisdom, and philanthropy, by making a fourth-rate plagiarized speech before some third-rate Lyceum in favour of Practical American Education! Or by sending five and a half dollars worth of pebbles and toy-machinery to the People's School to impart the knowledges!
Alas ! Clarence, little believed I once in your predictions ! We thought you an ill-boding crow! And yet Classical Learning with all its generous, manly, and intellectual cognates is in most places dead-in all dying! In his last letter Clarence himself thus writes :-
"I am now in an incorporated classical and mathe- matical academy at the capital of a boastful little State-a school where once numerous pupils were disciplined in my favour- ite system, and in due time became men. But "Othello's occupa- tion's gone !" I have only three pupils professedly studying even Latin! and that only to understand law-terms! The rest are liter- ally in the R. R. R. and Jogerfree! Indeed, in a population of some twelve thousand bodies, we can count but twelve souls as classical scholars in any of the schools, public or private! So much for utilitarianism. It pulls down ; it never has, it never can build up! It will hardly go to heaven if not paid for it! Carlton ! . are we out of the woods? Has that impudent far-famed Theory of Practical Education, made us, as was promised, richer and happier and better? Does it not seem, that Providence has per- mitted our losses and distresses to show, among other matters, that where education is debased into a system to sharpen men's wits and appetites, and furnish instruments merely with which to make money and spend it, that education is a curse? After all, are there not very many illiterate fellows worth immense estates, who can barely "read, rite, and sifer?" and who are vastly richer than the best utilitarian school system ever made any body? And as to mere knowledge and knowledges, separate from mental dis- cipline, are they not productive of more evil than good, more sorrow than pleasure? To educate men for making most money
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