USA > Indiana > Monroe County > The new purchase : or, seven and a half years in the Far West > Part 40
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Hence our skillful application of patent gum and gammon for the teaching of teachers, wrought as the Faculty predicted-two offences of the same kind were repeatedly committed by the boys collectively and individually, and private and public admonitions were as plenty as beech-nuts; while the ingenuous youth instead of doing an old sin once more, did a new one twice! Indeed, nothing was more sport than to get admonition No. 2; for the "fellows" had come to see plain enough that the Faculty were not really masters unless the pupils should be silly enough to give them that advantage.
In this state of affairs, a relative of Liebug's entered the school and purposely committed offence No. I. Now No. I had been twice committed by other boys, and had been duly rebuked- and so No. I was decided by the Faculty in this case, owing to the great effrontery of young Brass, to be really No. 3. And, there- fore, Mr. Brass, jun. was promptly suspended for one week.
Immediately Mr. Brass, sen. determined to have a meeting of our Board. But we, now convinced that the old woman's or the , impertinent Mr. Boston's patent-twaddle-rules, could not be made to measure into all the sinuosities and around all the angles of behaviour in merry and cunning lads; and that after all, well qualified teachers were as competent to judge of things as pert or Taylorian lecturers, or persons that have conducted infant- schools, or short-hand schools, or steam schools of ever so many horse power-we now refused to be called. Whereupon Mr. Brass, sen. in order to spite the rats, went and established a
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Sunday-school in his own house, and taught there gratuitously male and female Owenism! And not satisfied with this revenge, he once, in my store, tried to overcome professor Harwood in an argument on the truth of the Christian religion; but in this at- tempt he was utterly discomfited, and to the amusement of the auditors seated on my counters. Wherefore, Mr. Brass, sen., advanced to where Mr. Harwood reclined, and calling up the late suspension of young Brass, he said he had now "a powerful d- mind to thrash him for it."
This was quite a favourite mode of arguing in the Purchase and required much bodily strength and agility. How learned men of slender bodies, pale faces, small hands and green spectacles would have felt, in prospect of rencontre with such a bear, is doubtful; but our professor, although dressed in store cloth and rather dandy looking, betrayed no emotion, and never altered his half- recumbent attitude. Yet plain was it, from the flash of his grey eyes, and the hard compression of his lips, he was ready to ward off his antagonist-perhaps, even to spring on the threatening brute. This Bruin Brass perceived ; and when Mr. H. coolly re- plied "Very well, sir ; try it-but maybe you'll find your mistake in that argument, as quick as you did in the other,"" he affected to laugh the whole off as a joke! And happy! if he valued sound bones; for my friend Harwood was a fine square built muscular young Kentuckian, from early life used to every feat of strength and agility, and able now to lift a barrel of flour in his unaided arms, and carry it before him and without trip or pause full fifty honest yards !
Even the Spiritual Church may put defensive and carnal weapons into her children's hands to keep at a distance the sanctimonious assassins and murderous snivellers of a canting and unholy apostacy ; and so cases do arise, where scholars may and ought to repel club logic with knockdown argument. Yea and nay, an atheistic bear when about to use violence must be, if possible, re- sisted with physics, even as the veritable shaggy-coat himself ; metaphysics, here, may come afterwards.
My friend Harwood had conducted the debate as a Christian and a gentleman; and the double rebuke given the atheist, while it had no tendency to change his heart, quelled his beastly spirit
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and controlled his ferocity; and ever after our Faculty were free from all fear of Mr. Brass, sen., and all trouble from Mr. Brass, jun.
CHAPTER LII.
"You'd scarce expect one of my age, To speak in public, on the stage ; And should I chance to fall below Demosthenes, or Cicero, Don't view me with a critic's eye, But pass my imperfections by."
A GENERAL truce and cessation of arms had taken place, and our Faculty begin to drill the quiescent pupils for a grand exhibi- tion to come off this fall.
This was to be, as is everywhere usual, of speeches, debates and compositions. Amendments may be necessary ; but all ex- perience and reason itself favour generous emulation and honest rivalry in schools; and nothing better prepares for the stormy conflicts of life than the literary sham fights of college societies. It is preposterous to train children for a world of romance, or for a state possible IF all were good. Beside, manly competition is intrinsically right ; and is promotive of many virtues-and all ought early to be inured to arduous and noble contests for mas- teries. The opposite doctrine is hateful for its pulling effemi- nacy ; and at war with our nature (as God made it), and with the Scriptures. Thus thought our Faculty; and so they acted-al- though evils incident to their course, as to all other excellences in this life, were not wanting.
In due time then, came the week of examinations and exhibi- tion; and all was turned into bustle and merriment in fitting our Court-house for the great occasion !
How joyous such times to boys ay-to men who retain the fresh and healthy feelings of boyhood! But to our half-reclaimed young savages-oh! it was a time of exuberant joy in all its phases of fun, frolic, raillery, joke, and expectation !
And soon all Woodville caught the infection; and all were
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desirous of sharing the work and speculating on its progress. As for Carlton, he could not "tend store;" and so leaving his boys to sell what they could, and devour the remnant of the raisins and candy, away went our dignified author, and soon contrived to be elected by the boys Grand Master of Ceremonies in general, and Stage Fixings in particular! Then what a hauling of boards, and planks! What a streaming over to the Court-house of rag- carpets, and calico window curtains! Oh! the clatter of candle- sticks !- the pitching of these and other articles on pounds of tallow candles done up in brown paper and tow strings! Gemini! the thundering of plank a-throwing down from two boys' shoul- ders, or a-upsetting from a cart! Cancer! the whacking! the pounding and nailing! the sawing and hammering and jerking! the talking! laughing! screeching ! tearing ! stamping ! quizzing ! It was a glorious chaos.
Soon, however, from confusion, came order; and in less than two whole days, all was ready! a short time considering; for though we were thirty persons, only half worked, the rest being occupied in making the fun and hindering.
The work was, first, the stage. This was erected between the doors of entrance into the court-room and opposite the forum or judges' seat-that honourable place being transformed into an orchestra, our music being to be three fiddles and one triangle. The stage-floor was spread with rag-carpets, and the boxing of the stairs ascending each from a door to the second story 1 was adorned with calico curtains tastefully festooned-the special per- formance of some young ladies just returned from being finished in a boarding school of the far East! Front of the stage, in a row were candles in appropriate stands ; the tallest candles at the ends, and the shortest in the centre, thus presenting a graceful curve of light! And all the stands were decorated with fancy papers curled and cut and frissled most fantastically ;- the work of Miss Emily Glenville's boarding-school misses !
Under the calico festooning stood Windsor chairs for the Fac- ulty and the two rival societies! And near Professor Harwood's seat, was a cow-bell of a very soft and mournful voice, whose use was to ring out signals for the fiddles and the triangle-not a
1 Vid. Vol. I.
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classic signal truly, yet one to which our musicians were accus- tomed, and not wholly at variance with the harmonies produced. Indeed, even to our own cultivated ears never came sounds so delicious as those of a cow-bell, which once ravished me with its sudden tinkle when lost in the woods! Hence as associations like utilities render things pleasant, our cow-bell signal was not un- acceptable to our woodsmen. It was, also, a peculiar link con- necting rough and softened life; and it forcibly reminded us of the milk of human kindness !
Our seats. These were of doubled planks, resting on joist, logs, benches, or other planks placed edgeways. Of these, not one cracked, split, or tumbled over during the exhibition : hence, considering their loads and the stamping they endured in the applauses,-and every thing was applauded,-we have proof that our work was well done, if not expeditiously.
On the evening preceding the exhibition, the Rev. Principal Clarence entered my store to obtain a pair of pumps, wishing to tread the stage in elastic style; and nothing so conduces to this ease and grace as a handsome stocking and a becoming shoe. Yet, in vain, was every drawer, trunk, or box containing either shoe or shoe-leather rummaged and re-rummaged, no pump turned up: and the gentleman was about to withdraw and make up his mind to walk the boards in a shapeless two-soled pair of calf-skin boots. But just then I had mechanically opened a drawer of female shoes; when some very large and coarse moroccos ap- peared, with straps to be joined by a steel buckle, and Clarence exclaimed :-
"Stop! Carlton, the very thing !"
"Where?"
"Why, those machines of the softer sex."
"Ha! ha! he !- what ! wear a woman's shoe?"
"Certainly-if I can find any small enough-"
"Buckle and all?"
"Oh! no: my wife will razee the straps, and then the affairs will look masculine enough; and we can tie them with ribbon, pump-fashion."
"That will answer, I do believe: sit down and try."
A pair was selected, yet perversely bent on spreading side-
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ways, when pressed with the foot; but that tendency, it was hoped, would be corrected by the new mode of tieing : and hence the man of learning departed with his bargain. That night the shoes were cropped; and the Principal, by way of rehearsal, was walking in them in his parlour, when in came several senior pupils to make come inquiry about the exhibition. In a moment the transmuted articles caught their eyes, and so captivated their fancy that they must ask whence were procured shoes so light and tasteful? On learning, and being taught how the sex could be so readily changed, off set they for my store: and the con- sequence was, that soon all the students came for morocco non- descripts, and we sold during the next day about thirty pairs ! Hence I became a more decided friend of the college than ever. Yes, academies are useful! I cleared by this one speculation just thirty dollars! True, I lost about five dollars by not charging the usual New Purchase per centage : but then we must sacrifice some- thing for the advancement of learning, and virtue is not always profitable!
The grand evening came at last : and long ere candle light, our young gentlemen-(gentlemen, surely, when about to speak in ladies' shoes)-could be seen running into and out of and around the court-house, busy as bees, and with sundry bundles and packages. For, rain being threatened, it had been concluded to dress and put on the fine shoes up stairs, one society occupy- ing the jury room, the other the council chamber.
Finally, the signal for assembling was given by the school bell, half a mile distant, and by a tin horn in the centre of Wood- ville, being the sacred trumpet lately blown to convoke us to the exhibitions at the camp-meeting: and then in rushed all Wood- ville to fill the vacant seats. But strange! the vacant seats had been filled an hour before; enough girls and young ladies having been smuggled in by the gallant students and a few Woodville bucks. And among the number there sat the ladies of the Profes- sors' families-and all the girls of Miss Glenville's establishment -and that important personage herself-and Mrs. Carlton-and even Aunt Kitty Littleton herself, done up in a bran new crimped cap and pink ribbon !
As to Mr. Carlton, in consideration of his superintendence and
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his musical penchant, he was honoured with a windsor chair in the orchestra, and adjacent to the fiddles and triangles! Indeed, Dan Scrape had invited Mr. C. to play : although the honour had been declined, first, because J. Glenville, who had borrowed our flute and fiddle, had come over to the exhibition and forgotten to bring back the instruments !- (sub rosa, he left them behind pur- posely)-secondly, Mr. C. could not play any instruments but his own; and thirdly, Mr. C. was afraid, as he had never practiced with Dan, that he could not "keep up," and so on. When we and the fiddles and triangles entered a little late and through a back window, behold ! a dozen of the "rabble" were crowded into our sacred enclosure !- (Notice here, in public places all that can- not get into seats are rabble.) However, after I had squeezed into my windsor chair, along side the leading fiddle, Dan whis- pered for my consolation, and with a smile and a wink-"Never-a mind, Mister Carltin, we'll fix it afore long."
As if by magic, at a private signal, forth blazed the candles in front of the stage; and some two dozen others stuck to the walls by double pronged forks : and then to us was displayed the whole audience, and to them the stage and its fixins. In some points this audience was similar to others; but it contained more gems in unpolished and dull caskets than some eastern congrega- tions. Hoosiers, Woolverines, Buckeyes, and the like, were pres- ent, and of the most unbrushed, unpomatumed, unadulterated sorts -- purer than are there now : for, like the red aborigines, the white and brown sorts are fast disappearing! Poor fellows! that very night they witnessed the entrance of what would become their ruin !
Unused to the glory of polished candlesticks, and cut and friz- zled papers, all eyes momentarily gazed upon the stage in silent wonder! In the next instant, and with one consent, burst such a hurrah, as cracked the ears of the groundlings-yea! shook the glass in the windows! It did seem the very walls would be split ! Nor was it a mere hurrah; for many an Indian fighter was present that night; and these sent out such yells and war cries as made one instinctively clap his hand to his head to ascer- tain if the scalp was safe!
Following the uproar came the modest buzz of individual won-
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derments and critiques, such as :- "Look at that yallur one, Joe !" -"Most powerful shiney them are!"-"Ain't them are red things rity-dity poseys ?- "Law ! no Dick, them's paper fixins !"-"Well, I never?"-"I say, Jake ain't them danglings up there like Carl- tin's ole woman's curtins !"-"Pick my flint !"-"Darn my leggins -its powerful big-buggy !"-"How'd them lite so quick?"-"Dipt in tarpentine-don't you smell it?" But in the midst appeared descending, the rival societies, each by separate stairs : each headed by a Professor; and entering simultaneously each at opposite parts of the stage! And when all were seated, the Faculty in the centre, and the students right and left, the smallest next and the largest at the extremities ; all in new suits of store cloth, and with appropriate badges gracefully inserted through button holes, and waving triumphantly from their arms also; all in starched collars and black neck ribbons ; and all in female slippers, and so altered as to pass for males-the yells of greeting were absolutely terrific !
Professor Harwood was now seen shaking the cow bell: but though its mellow tinkle was inaudible, the fiddles and triangles, seeing the pendulum motion, knew what was needed: and hence they essayed to strike up Hail Columbia! Still nothing of a tune could be heard; although from the bewildering activity of bows and elbows, it' was manifest something nice was doing; till by dint of sight in some, and bawlings out of "Silence !" by others, the audience in the pit became quiescent. In the interim, we of the orchestra began to have more room: for most of the rabble near the fiddlers, especially near Dan, the Primo, had got hints to make room, in the form of hits, some in the stomach, some in the face and eyes, and some under the lugs-all of course naturally re- quired by the laws of motion and melody! Indeed, it was plain enough that there was more danger in standing so near good fiddlers than folks had ever imagined! And, therefore, our un- invited soon compressed into one corner ; and from a sincere wish not to incommode the music! And thus, by the kindness of Dan, whose wink and smile were now understood and his mode of "fixin it," I enjoyed my windsor chair in ampler space; at least while tunes were executed.
For this kindness, and because our executioners were so essen- tial to the exhibition, we shall hand them down in history-they shall be immortalized !
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Dan Scrape, the fiddle primo, was by far the prince of the New Purchase catgut and horsehair men. Like Paganini, he could play on one string, if not an entire tune, yet parts of nearly two dozen tunes-his whole stock! And like that maestro, he played without notes, and with endless variations and em- bellishments! Ay! and he played no worse on one shift or posi- tion than another! Still, Dan differed from the Italian in some things ; for instance, he held his fiddle against his breast, (perhaps out of affection,) and his bow in the middle, and like a cart-whip; things enabling him, however, the more effectually to flog his instrument when rebellious; and the afflicted creature would scream right out in agony! Indeed his Scremonah bore marks of premature old age-its finger-board being indented with little pits, and its stomach (vulgarly, in the East, the belly), was frightfully incrusted with rosin and other gummy things, till it looked as dark and care-worn as Methusaleh! Dan was, truly, no niggard of "rosum," for he "greased," as he termed it, between- his tunes every time ! and then at his first few vigorous jerks, fell a shower of dust on the agitated bosom of his instrument, calling out in vain for mercy under the cruel punishment !
Dan's main difference from Paganini was in using his left hand to bow. And yet this better enabled him to make room; for per- sons going to the left for safety, met the accidental hits where least expected,-like Ehud, who not noticing the left hand of Sham- gar, got what English bullies call his gruel, from the wrong quarter !51
Let us not, however, do Dan injustice. He certainly did, out' of benevolence, administer some wilful and hard blows, and yet keep an unconscious phiz; but when Dan was fairly possessed with the spirit of fiddling, he never even dreamed he had an elbow! Then his arm was all elbow! The way it jumped up and down! and darted back and forth !- the velocity was too dizzy to look at! But then, if a spectator valued his eyes, let him stand clear of the bow's end !- not the point, that was always safe enough on the strings-but the heel or slide end, which never visit- ing the fiddle, was ever flourishing about almost invisible, with reckless indifference and the force of a bullet! In truth, Dan always fiddled like a race-horse; and if he got one bar's start, I
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defy any body to have ever overtaken him! But some favourite tunes he played like a tornado; such as "the Irish Washerwoman," -and above all, that satanic rondo, "the D. among the T's. And I know this is not exaggeration; for once on my asking Hunting Shirt Andy, who was a good judge, what he thought of Dan's playing, he unhesitating declared that "Dan Scrape played the fiddle like the very devil !"
The second fiddle was a pupil of Dan's. And the master had evidently taken great pains with his-finger-board, it being crossed with white paint to guide the pupil's fingers, who still usually hit wide of the mark in his haste to overtake his teacher! He is called second fiddle, not because he did alto or tenor, but because he was usually behind the first fiddle in time; nay, he was sometimes so utterly lost, that Dan would tell him to stop, and "start in when the tune kim round agin !"
Some may think these defects made discords ; but then this was compensated by the two fiddles never being tuned alike, accuracy of stop being thus rendered less important; and above all, be- cause the exquisite triangle completely obliterated, filled up, and jingled into one all mistakes, vacancies, and discords !
I shall only further remark, that the professor of the triangle was actually self-taught! and yet he could outjingle any thing of the sort I ever heard, even if aided by the cymbals and musical bells !
"But what of the third fiddle ?"
Let Dan answer, who, after the execution of Hail Columbia, thus whispered me :- "Tim Scratch know'd better nor to come! he's not sick no how-it's all possum! He's no fiddler! I kin out fiddle him if he lives for ever and a day longer-and plays on Sundays !"
And so it was: and neither Mr. Carlton nor any other man who values reputation ought to play with Dan Scrape.
The Reverend Principal Clarence now arose, and in pumps and silk stockings advanced and made something like the following address :-
"Ladies and gentlemen"-(a kind of don't-gentleman-me-look of certain hearers, made him add)-"and my respected fellow- citizens, we rejoice to meet so large an assembly and so full
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of good spirits, come to attend our first exhibition. It is natural you should be here: it is your own school, and these are your own sons and relatives, who are now to show before you their improvement to-night. We are here, fellow-citizens, to witness what Western boys can do; and let me say, that while far from perfection, our boys, if not embarrassed, will not disgrace our wooden country. We say embarrassed; for any confusion or noise accidentally made by our respected fellow citizens present, in time of a speech or other exercise, will hinder our unpractised speakers from doing themselves justice. We depend, of course, on the honour of our hearers, not giving any order on the sub- ject, or making even a request, as is often necessary in the East ; because here, in the free West, where all do as they please, Back- woodsmen naturally behave according to the maxims of good sense."-("Bust my rifle! if that ain't the truth," interrupted Ned,-"we'll show 'em how to behave, Mr. Fakilty !")-"Just as I said, stranger,"-resumed Clarence-"and, therefore, we shall say no more, but will instantly proceed with the exercises."
This was ferociously clapped and stamped; and then the exer- cises proceeded, the cow-bell being duly rung, first for the music to begin and then for it to cease. In the latter case the bell owed its efficiency to Mr. Carlton, as Dan was always more ready to begin than to finish a tune. And hence, and as the orchestra was louder than the bell, we went by sight ; but Dan never could see the wag of the bell, till Mr. C. gave him a hunch on the off-side; and then his Scremonah hushed up, like a cholicy child that had screeched itself to sleep! Had Mr. Carlton been on the bow-side, he must have poked Dan with a stick, or met something tragical; but like the fox in Æsop, he had learned from the hits of others.
It is unnecessary to detail the events of that memorable night. All the students were applauded; and not a few with the ad- mixture of Indian yells, so like the savage-savage, that the animals could, like the ass-lion, be detected only by the skin! Certain speeches, too, political in their nature, and admirably delivered, caused the audience to lose sight of the exhibition, and hurrah for Jackson or Clay as on the election ground. And these speak- ers, with one exception, became politicians, and are even yet, most of them, figuring before the world. The people generally
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behaved as Ned Stanley (our friend Rifle-Bust), promised, and as Western folks always do behave, if one shows a disposition to conciliate and will employ a little innocent flattery ; not that they are deceived by such, but that they take it as a sign of your de- siring to please and put them on honour.
Let, however, a self-complacent gentleman, full of city impor- tance and strut essay, in a dictatorial way, to manage a free and wild assembly in the world of woods and prairies-and if he is not shut up in a manner that shall clean wipe the conceit out of him, then is my opinion a mistake. He may order a hackman, or a porter, or a quill-driver, or a sawyer-but if he dare order free- men of the forests and the meadows, they will ride him on a rail; and, in spite of his stocks, brick houses, fine equipage, whiskers and curled hair !
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